Is your DFW one sided?

leni

Since the lightbulb moment last year I have to admit that the debtfree struggle is definatly one sided. As a way of taking charge I consolidated all our credit cards onto one credit card in my name - effectively making my partner debt free.

Since then it has been me that has made all the payments, keeping track of what we owe and doing mystery shopping, ebay sales etc to make a bigger impact on the debt.

OH has just ordered SkyPlus, upgraded the sky to a higher package, spent £200 on sports equipment etc, fair enough he's done lots of overtime, so he should treat himself but I feel the DFW is down to me.

GettingThingsDone

Ouch! I know there is the temptation to spend the equivalent to make a point, but it doesn't help in the overall scheme of things.

Still, I would tot up what has been spent and make a point of saying that you have that much 'reserved' for spending on yourself. And then regularly drop hints that you are thinking about what to spend your money on... afterall it's only fair.

Mind you, I should have some small print here saying that my advice may make things worse!

cattie1

yes it is the same in our house I hate oh coming shopping with me due to the fact that he picks up all kinds of rubbish including diy stuff he is NEVER going to use.
since august I have been plaguing him to at least downgrade sky (stil on contract) he refused now contract is up I told him to cancel to see what incentive they would offer-he refused so I tried-they said they had to speak to him but they had no qualms taking a payment from me without speaking to him!:rolleyes:
I know who you feel it's like for every step you take they take you 2 steps back?!

Seaxwyn

Hi leni

similar situation here. I veer backwards and forwards between rage and resentment on the one hand and tolerance and gratitude that at least one of us is facing up to it on the other.

GettingThingsDone

OK, a more serious answer from me this time... Here's what we do.

Define a goal other than just being a DFW. Something that you'll be able to have or do once you reach certain milestones on your journey. Give that goal a name. Ours is Project xxxxxxxx (not telling ). And then make the Project real - talk about it, make it feel like it will really happen, or even imagine that it has already happened.

Get really excited about it.

Works for us - everything diminishes in relation to the Project. Need Sky+? Does that move us closer to our goal? No. Is it essential? No. No need then. Buy a book instead.

Again - disclaimer applies...

mjdh1957

leni wrote:

Since the lightbulb moment last year I have to admit that the debtfree struggle is definatly one sided. As a way of taking charge I consolidated all our credit cards onto one credit card in my name - effectively making my partner debt free.

Since then it has been me that has made all the payments, keeping track of what we owe and doing mystery shopping, ebay sales etc to make a bigger impact on the debt.

OH has just ordered SkyPlus, upgraded the sky to a higher package, spent £200 on sports equipment etc, fair enough he's done lots of overtime, so he should treat himself but I feel the DFW is down to me.

So you are making in effect all the payments to pay off his credit card? Does he pay you the money?

That would be too onesided for me (at least nowadays - I have done similar in the past). If you haven't already, make him set up a standing order to you so the money comes out of his pocket and not yours. And by mystery shopping and ebaying, you are doing overtime as well....

Time for some negotiation I think....

leni

Our money is OUR money, we have our joint account that EVERYTHING comes out of. Our debts are also OUR debts as we incurred them together i.e. buying a house. It's just one of us (i.e. me) is intent on paying them off, the other isn't that bothered about a £1600 credit card debt as it's only a little other one of our monthly wages. He doesn't see that £10 here or there will affect the balance (sometimes I paid £6 off the credit card) as every little helps.

It's not all one sided but 3 months of being extra focussed by both of us would make us credit card debt free!

GettingThingsDone

wow - well done! only 3 months, you are soooo close!

immoral_angeluk

We have a joint account but I must admit it's been me that's instigated everything and DH has just gone along with it. He has become more enthusiastic since we've starting paying off debts though so I'm getting him there slowly..

Snaggles

I tend to control our finances, make sure bills are paid, work out what we can afford and when etc, and hubby sort of just does as he's told.

He's not very good with money, although over the years has got much better - we now have two joint accounts, one for 'fixed' expenditure (mortgage, bills, insurances, utilities, phone, etc), and one for shopping/petrol. We also have a sole account each - our salaries are paid into our sole accounts, and we put enough into the two joint accounts to cover all the outgoings (hubby puts a bit more in than me, as I have sharesaves deducted from my salary, which is our main method of saving). This leaves us with a roughly equal amount of 'spending money' in our sole accounts, which we can use for anything at all. It sounds a bit complicated but works really well for us.

He now keeps a much closer eye on his account, as he can more easily see the effect of buying the odd little thing here and there. Since we have started running our finances like this, our contributions to becoming debt-free have been much more evenly balanced.

WhiteLily_2

I take control of all finances in our house - my DH was and is still not very good with budgeting! His attitude is that he works hard and he deserves treats! That was great when I was employed and we had the money however, things have changed since I went self employed...........and i try so hard to keep him involved and make him aware of our potential situation, however he sees it as nagging/excessive worrying. Last year (when I had discovered MSE) I started implementing money saving tips and always questioning myself do I want or do I need when making a purchase? DH always 'needs' a new shirt (loads in wardrobe), 'needs' some new stuff for his hobby, 'needs' to go on a biking holiday with his mates etc; etc; So I am scrimping/saving and denying myself lady luxuries and he's off spending. Fills me with so much resentment, however, I feel guilty for going self employed.............. Luckily we are currently debt free (apart from mortgage)- however I am very aware that could change so easily.........especially with all mortgage, utility and inflation rises etc; Hhence me lurking on this site!