At my wits end with ex....

Giraffeseeker

I am totally angry and frustrated with my ex right now :mad:

We have a 13 yo and a 10 yo and have been divorced around 4 years. We have 50/50 care in terms of nights, except I get slightly more time with them as I am a teacher working very locally to their schools, and my ex has a full time job 90mins drive away, so I once or twice a week I collect them until he gets home, and also have the bulk of the school holiday care.

The ex does not pay maintenance as such - we have regular joint expenses, like some childcare for my youngest, music lessons, swimming, etc which I work out each september and my ex pays a monthly amount for. There are also one-off expenses like uniforms, annual sports subs, school trips, birthday parties, etc which I check first with the ex and then he pays me half the amount back.

As I have more care in the summer and also pay for haircuts, clothes, shoes, sports kit, pocket money, etc, I claim the Child Benefit.

My ex recently got married again and has become very difficult over money. He is now NOT covering half of the childcare bill, etc as he says I should take the bulk of it from the Child Benefit. He also owes me nearly £200 from the uniform shop that I did (and he agreed to) in July plus a final installment on a school trip he agreed to, saying he can't afford it and he'll pay me over the next 6 months.

He is also refusing to pay half for my son's birthday outing with friends next month, saying it falls on "my" day and therefore I should pay (indidentally, I've looked at both kids birthdays for the next 4 years and they all seem to fall on "my" day, but I always involve and invite their Dad irrespective of whose "day" it is).

I am a single income household whereas he and his new wife are in good jobs with very good incomes and no other children at home (he has a step daughter at Uni). I have paid out uniform and trip money already and now he has me over a barrel as he is refusing to pay. I don't want to disappoint my son on his birthday but I'm really struggling this month as I was expecting him to repay what he owes me as he always has done in the past with no complaint. I *assume* the new wife is resenting this money being spent. (We're only talking £120 per month regular expenses btw and that includes school dinners and 2 weeks childcare - it's not a HUGE sum!)

I am tempted to go to the CSA for child support which will ensure I have some income from him for uniforms, school trips, etc so the kids don't miss out, and also maybe splitting the contract with the childminder so he is responsible for paying the bill for "his" days (which actually amounts to about half the bill).

I'm worried though, that he will then try and claim the Child benefit from me for one of the children and then counterclaim on the child support. How easily could he get the child benefit in a more-or-less 50/50 arrangement? The schools, densits, and doctors are all registered with my address, my ex never attends a parents evening, refuses to take him to the doctors/dentists/optitions as he says it is my responsibility, and I am the one who actually organises paying for all their expenses. When my son stained his school top last year by brushing against a newly painted door frame at my ex's house, he actually had to text me to find out where the Uniform shop was in order to replace it - my son was in year 7 and my ex had never bought any school uniform!

Would they hand over the child benefit for one child easily? If so, I'd be stuffed as I know my ex wouldn't take on the expenses for that child, just take the money. Which would mean them missing out.

Sorry this is sooooo long! Has anyone got any experience of this or any advice?

Thanks

whitewing

Could it be that your ex has lost his job and doesn't want to tell you until he gets a new one? Maybe his wife doesn't even know yet.

It's just a thought. It may well be that things have changed now he is married, but presumably he didn't marry on a whim.

Giraffeseeker

I've asked the kids that as I noticed he was working from home more than usual (he is allowed to work from home sometimes as it is a long commute). They said that he does still go to work in the mornings when they are there though, so I assume he is still employed. I would certainly resent subsidising his childcare costs like I did this month if he was actually not in need of childcare! It is a thought though.

Just before he married they bought a very large house and lots of being spent on extending and refitting the kitchen, changing the upstairs layout, decorating and furniture (so I hear from the kids) so i suspect this is more likely the reason he doesn't want to meet his financial obligations to his children.

gratefulforhelp_2

Quite often I have heard of people who have lost their jobs going to "work" as normal.

On child benefit, if you write to them and say on no account is CB to be altered, I don't think he can change it without your say so.

clearingout

unfortunately, when new partners get involved, things can change. I think that many people can relate to what you're saying. I'm not sure there's an easy fix - I would say 'grow a backbone and tell the wife that the children come first' but it's not very helpful, is it?! As for the Child Benefit, he could ask for it yes. He could even put in a claim with the DWP for it but I THINK you would be on safe ground - if the children are registered with official bodies at your address, I can't see them changing things. However, I'm not an expert. I'm not sure anyone will be able to give you a definite answer - these things are people-related, rather than computer-related and as such, someone will have to make a decision if the question is ever asked.

Giraffeseeker

Thank you both - losing the CB would be a big blow to me and I really want to make sure I can pay for them to do the things they want to do!

I don't know if it is her, or if it is him who has caused his changes in attitude, but there's been other things too that have changed. Before he met her we would do parents evenings etc together but suddenly he stopped coming. He no longer brings them to my door, just drops them off outside. He will not discuss anything on the phone at all and will not respond to texts (for example I had a text from school telling me my son was not in on one of "his" days, but he refused to answer the phone or respond to my texts enquiring if he knew he wasn't in and if so WHY my son wasn't in school. Turns out he was just late for registration. But what if something had happened on the way to school....?). Some things he does just are not safe. He got his wife to collect my son from school one day when she was off sick (on a day where they are with him overnight, but I do the after-school bit) without telling me - and so he didn't turn up to our usual meeting point (as the wife had gone to his classroom and walked the other way). He cancelled a doctors appointment that my eldest badly needed as he said it was not up to me to make appointments on "his" time (and I didn't find out until my son came back to me 4 days later having not been seen - I took him and the infection was far worse and he needed antibiotics for twice the usual amount of time).

I *wish* I had been writing down dates and time of incidents like these!

clearingout

Hmmm...sounds like he's trying to be 'loyal' to the new wife, either because she demands it or because he feels he needs to behave in that way. He also sounds a bit of a control freak and sadly, there's little to be done with that. I think you're literally in a 'suck it and see' situation. Perhaps a phone call to the Child Benefit people might clarify for you how they would look at the situation if they were asked so you at least know what you're up against?

Giraffeseeker

That's a good idea, thank you, I'll do that.

Soubrette

I had something similar with my ex and it only got worse I'm afraid - shared care which quickly became 80% my care. Two years he paid a voluntary amount supporting the children by paying half of trips, buying school uniform and shoes while I bought their other clothes, then his girlfriend decided that he was spoiling his children and the payments went to zero for two years. After a heated discussion I warned him that I would have to go to the CSA if it did not change, it didn't so I did.

Your ex will get a 3/7th reduction in the amount he has to pay so you may find you are not getting very much from him but at least it will be a regular and dependable amount. I also found it easier when I stopped relying on the ex to deal with things like appointments.

Like a marriage - it takes two committed parents to carry on being the team of mum and dad but it only takes one to stop trying and it breaks down

Giraffeseeker

Thank you Soubrette. I have mentioned the CSA to him a while ago and he laughed and told me to go for it and see how far I get. That's why I'm worried he's looked into it and will try and go for the child benefit for one child. As it stands, even with the reduction, and based on what he was earning when we split up (although he's had 2 big promotions since then) I'd get £35 per week. So that would be about what he has been paying, although he also pays the big bills on top at the moment. I would look to use the Child Support for the big bills and let him pay his own childcare expenses (which I currently pay on his behalf out of what he gives me).

clearingout

you know, making him pay his own way on childcare probably isn't a bad thing. If he wants it 50/50 then that's a better way of achieving that for him. If you then get some extra from the CSA then you're doing better than most of us and I would suggest you can't do anything else other than cross your fingers he doesn't take it to the Child Benefit people. And even if he does, I'm not sure he'll get very far.

I would hazard a guess that he hasn't looked into it at all. He will be assuming that as things are about 50/50, he won't have to pay anything. Most of us have experienced the 'so what? you'll get nothing' bravado and it's usually just hot air. Contrary to what you'll see on this forum, I think by far the majority of people 'comply' with the CSA when it comes down to it. It's good if you can avoid them but many of us can't! As an afterthought, have you tried suggesting mediation? It might be worth a try - if you are otherwise successfully joint parenting it would be a shame to ruin it over this.

As a word of caution, if he's self employed and doesn't want to pay, he won't and there'll be very little the CSA can do about it.