How to avoid family arguments??

alipops1986

Hello All,

I'm not yet engaged, but have a suspicion my partner will soon be asking and to be honest I can't wait but...

I have been engaged before approximately 2yrs ago now and although my x and I parted ways for our own reasons - my parents were a total nightmare. They wanted just about everything their way despite both families contributing equal amounts.

How can I avoid this, this time? I'm particularly concerned because they'll probably be contributing more to the budget as my OH's family are not really in a position to.

I'm thinking that maybe we should just enjoy being engaged for a few months, when it happens. Then, consult both families on the numbers they'd like to invite and any special requests - then from their we can make our decisions about what we agree on. Is this the best way?

Any help would be gratefully received as i'm beginning to worry it'll be a huge stress.

Thanks,
Alipops x

DKLS

Dont take a penny from the parents and dont invite them.

tanith

Tell them right from the get go that is your wedding and you will both be deciding what the money they are going to give you will be spent on... you should be making the decisions about who what why and where between you not between you and your families...

74jax

I think you should establish if the money is a 'gift' for you to use on the wedding, or if it is given for them to allocate.

I know some people have said it's your wedding and up to you how you spend the money, but I think it depends in the way it is given.

If it is going to cause problems I agree with DKLS and do't take the money. That way your money is spent on what you want.

You could always say that money contributed from parents is for that side of the families reception meal? Would that work?

trinity_enigma

Saw the title to this and thought if we knew half of us wouldn't be on here lol!

I think you have right idea get twit opinions straight off and then you can say of there is something you don't like and can work out a compromise it will probably save a lot of small things becoming big arguments later down the line. Wish I'd thought of this at the beginning of it all!

White_Sapphire

If at all possible, do not accept any money, and have the wedding you can afford from your savings. If that means a longer engagement to save up for what you want then perhaps that is preferable to giving your parents any opportunity to dictate terms.

If you do need to accept money then you will have to make it clear from the start, ie before you agree to accept anything, whether they see it as their funds to allow them to allocate, or a freely-given gift. If it's the former, which I fear it will be from what you've said, then see the first option!!

White_Sapphire

74jax wrote: »

I think you should establish if the money is a 'gift' for you to use on the wedding, or if it is given for them to allocate.

I know some people have said it's your wedding and up to you how you spend the money, but I think it depends in the way it is given.

If it is going to cause problems I agree with DKLS and do't take the money. That way your money is spent on what you want.

You could always say that money contributed from parents is for that side of the families reception meal? Would that work?

That's a good point - both sets of parents are helping towards the cost of our wedding, and we see it as money to be spent on family (helps to assuage the guilt we feel at accepting money from them at all!!). Be careful that they don't turn it into 'well then I can invite my work colleagues, neighbours, and distant cousins you've never met. What, no space left for your friends?' :eek:

RainbowDrops

When or if you get engaged I would be frank with your parents about what you want from them from the start.
Before we even started booking venues & figuring out numbers we told both sets of parents that it was important for us to have lots of friends (so that way it was clear from the outlay that either sets of parents couldn't bulldoze a load of their people onto the guest list.

I would say the easiest way to make it fair is to reduce your budget so that both parents contribute equally, then your family dont have such a vested interest.

toadyfrog

I wouldn't ask the parents the numbers they want to invite. Its your wedding not theirs you invite who you want.

TheSeventh

Personally, i would avoid the "money from parents to be spent on family" as it give the parents way too much power to dictate who from the family will attend! ("I'm paying so of COURSE aunty Mabel will be there.")

I'd go the exact opposite direction, and get parents to pay for individual items, such as dress, bridesmaids dresses, suits, cake, decorations, legal fees, flowers, etc. and try to pay for the venue and reception yourself.
that way, there's no question about who is coming to your party or what style it'll be in because it's YOUR party. yes, the parents have helped, but buying a dress or a cake doesn't give them as much 'weight' in saying who can come to the reception, or how the wedding will turn out. (they can't buy you a dress you hate, after all!)

alternatively, ask the parents how much they feel they could donate (if they choose to do so), put the money into your wedding budget and spend it as you wish, making sure to be very grateful, without feeling obliged to take direction about how it's spent.

burnoutbabe

would your parents donate again? did they actually donate last time and/or get their money back?