WHo should pay for what

kent_lady

Hi MSE-ers

I am getting married in April next year. I was wondering if anyone could advise me on the correct etiquette regarding who should pay for what?

I have asked my two nieces (10 and 7) to be bridesmaids and my nephew (9) to be a pageboy. Should I offer to pay for the outfits or if my sister offers, can I graciously accept?

We would like all the men in the wedding party (my OH, his son, my two sons, my nephew as mentioned above, my dad and my stepdad, the best man) to all wear the same suits - again, should we be footing the bill for this or can we ask that the men go to, say, Moss Bros and choose the suit we want? (obv we will pay for our sons' outfits).

I'm not sure what to do......don't want to offend anyone but don't know what's "expected", "the done thing" etc.

Obviously as MSE-ers we are on a budget! My mother has also said she wants to contribute to the day (we are back in each other's lives after many years of a famnily split), can I ask her how much she is thinking of?

Thanks! :j

codemonkey

I think you'll get differing opinions on this.

I would say that you pay for the bridesmaids and page boy's outfits and probably the suits too, although I think your dad and stepdad would probably be ok to pay for their own.

It's also ok to ask your mum how much she wants to pay. Otherwise, you can't really plan if you don't know your budget.

Congratulations on the wedding and I hope you have an excellent day.

johannalf88

I would say if you are allowing the wedding party to choose then they can pay, as they can get something they will wear again. If you choosing for them, or hiring the same suits you should pay, as they do not get a choice. Men could wear suits they already own etc, and that woul save them a lot of money, and as it has been noted, weddings can get very expensive for the guests too. As for page boy etc, I would expect to pay, but if offered I would graciously accept, bit expect to give up a little bit of control over the choice.

Definitely talk to your mum about how much she wishes to contribute, it's an awkward chat to start with, but you do really need to know your budget.

Hope this helps!

ellay864

If you want to decide what they wear I think you should expect to pay. But if your sister offers, maybe as her wedding present to you, then I would take that as a nice gesture and probably accept. That said, there's been plenty of horror stories where people have offered things and then expected to have the full say in it. If your sister did offer I'd make sure she knows that you may have quite fixed ideas already on what you'd like them to wear, and make it clear that if she would prefer something diffeent then it's proabbly better that you pay and avoid arguments (not saying your sister would turn nasty but it wouldn't be the first family fall out on here!)
For your mum maybe you could suggest particular items that she could contribute too...such as cars or cake, but let her know that if it's out of her budget she should just give you whatever she feels she can and let you know how much that is. If you draw up a list of items she may prefer to just say which she'd like to cover and it could be less embarassing for both of you

RainbowDrops

I'm of the school of thought that if you're choosing the outfits, you're paying.
I bought my BMs dresses, but left the accessories to them. Shoes, for example, are a personal preference when it comes to heel & style, so I wanted the girls to be comfy. Two of them were able to re-use shoes they already had.
My hub chose to buy suits rather than hire (as he wanted a nice suit he could wear again), so he spoke to his groomsmen and they were all happy to go halves as they got a suit out of it too.

ellay864

One thing to remember when you're looking at suits...we only had my OH, his son and my sons to consider and we thought about buying them as a gift if they'd want to wear them again, hiring if not. But it was impossible to find anywhere that had the same range for hire and sale. In the end we hired as none of our lads are likely to wear them again and OH wasn't bothered either way

kent_lady

Thanks to all of you so far - ellay864, I particularly like your suggestion of showing my mum the list of costs etc and asking her what she'd like to cover. I have some costs already so if I gather the rest together before our "planning meeting" (:eek:) she can look at the list!

My sister already looked at BM dresses for the girls and luckily they are the ones I want so no issue there! We thought of perhaps asking the men/boys to all wear the same waistcoats or cravats in my colour scheme as a way of letting them wear their own suits....but for my two DSs and nephew and his DS we would need to buy/hire as they don't own anything suitable (they are 15, 12 and 9) so are going to get them to wear dark trousers, dress shirt and cravat and waistcoat but no jacket. So if the men don't wear the same it might look odd? My trouble is that I am a devil for detail and wanting things to be perfect and I think it might annoy me if they don't all look the same in the photos....

Lol - whoever said wedding planning was a nightmare was right! :rotfl:

ellay864

Oh the details will drive you mad!! Some people are quite relaxed, others are on the verge of a nervous breakdown if their chair tie-backs aren't EXACTLY the same colour as the napkins :rotfl:
Personally I think there's enough important things to worry about without getting hung up on minute details that most people probably won't give anywhere near as much attention. Believe me, if things aren't quite right, nobody else will know and you could get stressed for no reason.
What can work is for the adult men to look the same but have the younger lads a bit different. I think over-cloning can actually spoil things sometimes. It won't be an issue for you I expect given their ages but it's like having numerous bridesmaids of different ages and sizes in identically styled dresses - that can look worse if some look and feel less comfy.
Try to focus on what you NEED, then think about what you want and where you can relax...if only to save you getting too wound up on things! Have fun

Hollie84

IMO if u ask someone to play a huge part in your wedding you foot the bill
as for parents etc i wouldnt ask anyone to put in but mum and dad offered to pay for my veil,altertions and our cake
OH mum is giving us some money towards the wedding,these were offered and not suggested

ampafc

I think you should be paying - you have asked them to play a big role in your day, therefore you should foot the bill. (In my opinion)

Idiophreak

Do you have any idea of the order of magnitude your mum is thinking? It's hard to present her with a list of costs when you don't know your overall budget - and it's hard to know your overall budget before you ask her

(ETA: I think if you're expecting people to buy / hire certain things, you should be footing the bill...but could save money by letting people wear, say, plain black suits, then giving them all matching ties instead of hiring full outfits)