Thinking of eloping....

Blue_Monkey

OH and I have been together for 9 years, first baby due in Dec. He proposed (after much nagging from me ) in July and we're thinking of getting married next year in September.

However, the more I think about a wedding, the more I'm thinking it would be nice to just go off and do it somewhere nice and quiet just us as a little family.

I guess there's a few reasons for this....

We don't really know what kind of venue we want. We know we don't want a big country house or typical "venue". A blank canvas would be more us, but most of those involve a marquee and even that isn't that appealling. There are no pubs or restaurants that we fancy locally and going non-local seems like a big faff for everyone, us included.

I'm pretty good at organising things and doing a wedding doesn't phase me, but whether I want to spend the next year faffing around with arrangements is another thing? I kind of want to spend some time just enjoying us and the baby rather than worrying about decorations or cakes or politics or invite wording or chair covers!

Neither of us are fussed about being centre of attention for the day, and in fact I hate it. I'm awful at shopping and have never been specially girly, so the whole dress things fills me with dread.

Money-wise we've spent the last few years saving a lot of cash for a deposit on a house. This is evermore important to us now that we have a baby on the way. And with me about to start maternity leave we won't be able to add to our savings so any wedding costs will need to effectively come out of what we could be spending on a house. I reckon we'd be looking at £10k for what we've so far imagined we might like, which feels excessive and uncessary.

We're not that close to extended family, but have a large circle of friends. We're hitting close to 150 with people we'd like to be there, if we were going to do the whole wedding thing.

Getting married is about us. It's not that I think it's not something that isn't worth celebrating, but I don't fully get why we need to involve other people?!:cool: I don't think it would feel any less special if we didn't have a big do. In fact I feel like the typical weddings that go on these days just are totally un-us so it feels like we'd be assuming a role (an expensive one) for the day that neither of us specially want to assume IYSWIM.

So it's a mixture of being a bit shy, a bit stingy and a bit can't-be-arsed.

But - I think our families would be devastated. I know it's not about what they want, but I wonder if them being upset would eventually make us regret the decision to go off and do it alone. It does make me a little sad at the thought of my dad not walking me down the aisle, but surely part of that is because it's just been ingrained on my brain that is the norm and the done thing. It wouldn't be to spite them, it would just be because we don't want the palaver/expense.

I would love to take a lovely holiday somewhere and just get married in the sun with OH and our new bubba.

I dunno. Perhaps it's just coz we've had a lot going on recently (surprise, but happy pregnancy, moving back from Australia, having to settle back in here, finding somewhere to live) that the thought of sorting a wedding just doesn't really float my boat. I just want to be married to my lovely OH, so the wedding feels a bit irrelevant.

wanchai_2

First - congratulations!!!

I know how you feel btw, I have had those moments and am still having them. My dad passed away a few years and it is still very raw, so I deliberated over having a wedding at all. Who knows whether I will feel differently on the day but we are going ahead. As long as our families are there, that's all that matters.

Good luck with your decision xx

MaggieBaking

Go and elope! Save the money you would spend on a wedding and put it towards your marriage

You could probably find somewhere abroad to get married that will video stream your wedding, so if anyone wants to watch they can and not feel left out!!

I know someone who went to Vegas, her hubby surprised her by saying he'd organised a wedding whilst they were out there and she didn't have to bother with any fuss - she said it was absolutely amazing and perfect for her!

Minimoo24

baby will be about 9 months then so you might need to consider that as to where you go, and taking a baby on holiday requires alot of packing, and it might be hard work if its just you two and the baby. Who would watch the baby?

It would still be cheaper than doing it here! Good luck

elljay

My mum cried all the way through our ceremony cos she wanted the big wedding with the meringue dress and everyone vaguely related to us to be there.

However she got over it and I didn't ever regret getting married in the register office, having a meal with just parents and our witnesses and kids, then going home to do the ironing and being married, not getting married. We then spent a lovely few days with friends by the sea. Fab. Never regretted it.

Like you, the whole thing filled me with dread, being centre of attention, being bored by favours and fascinators (whatever those both are!!)and yes chair covers, marrying in church when we never go blah blah blah. Bores me now to think of it!

The money is far better spent on your future lives together as a family not on one silly day! It was so refreshing to read your post as I lose patience with people who make so much fuss about it and spend so much money on a day which will quickly be over. I hope whether you decide to get married or not that it all goes well for you.

Blue_Monkey

Wanchai - It must be painful feeling like someone is "missing" from your day. I hope it goes well for you, I'm sure your Dad will be proud wherever he may be

Maggie - Videostreaming fills me with horror too!! I'm just not sure why I get other people getting so het up or bothered about seeing me and OH get married. Perhaps I'm more private than I realise. I feel like this about the baby - it's "our thing", not everyone else's.

Minimoo - Our actual anniversary is in June (10 years next year!). We only picked September to get some decent-ish weather and give us more time to adjust to the baby / plan a wedding. If we just go off the three of us it can be whenever as far less planning would be involved. Point taken about what to do with bubba during the actual event though. But we could even go somewhere on our own for a long weekend perhaps....

Elljay - well that's kind of it, the money will go so much further elsewhere. I read somewhere (I think on here) about someone having a mare with interferring rellies and they said they'd adopted the mantra "The wedding is for everyone else, the marriage is for us" which seems to be bonkers to me.

We've got friends who have just moved to the Bahamas and have said about honeymooning there. Perhaps we could just get married there instead?!

I guess OH and I need to sit down and really talk about it. If a party is important to him then we'll have one, but if he's as unbothered as I am, I'd much rather have a lovely time away and do it then.

Idiophreak

Saw some people getting married on Cocoa Beach while we were on honeymoon...white sand, the two of them, a bloke in a hat, half a dozen chairs - looked quite lovely, really. That said, I wouldn't trade our wedding day for that.

FWIW, we had a very similar attitude to you - just didn't want the formality, the hassle, the misery of planning the thing - so we tried to keep it as chilled out as possible. We had a beautiful marquee in a lovely spot on the riverbank, didn't bother with a sit down meal (there weren't very many places for people to sit down, anyway ) just had rolling canap!s and some stir fry cooked to order. Plenty of wine and mojitos...all our friends and family around...everyone had a great time. I will say, however, that we had to pay to get things the way we wanted them - eloping would certainly have been a cheaper option!

Brighton_belle

Oh I would say go with your gut instinct and keep it simple:elope,lol. We got engaged in July and getting married this week - the thought of hoohar for a whole year in prep would drive us demented. We want to be married. Just serving English afternoon tea for 32 people at a 2 hr reception and that is it, we off. It will be simple and joyful and happy and not exhausting, which suits us to a tee. My servietes do not match my unmatching crockery I have borrowed.

Also, with a baby on the way, personally I'd get married now. Life is short and the unexpected happens. Make each other your next of kin asap I would. Once your baby is here, you'llbe on another planet for a whuile, and the marriage will probably never quite happen.

Re dress buying - terrified me too. I asked a friend to help who I really trust and is great with clothes. Tried on half a dozen dresses before we found one I feel lovely in that I never would have even tried on without her help. I have not gone for a long white frock - white drains the colour from my face and I haven't the money to buy something i will never wear again,: I truely love what I have bought though.

Congrats on the baby and your engagement by the way!

wanchai_2

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

Wanchai - It must be painful feeling like someone is "missing" from your day. I hope it goes well for you, I'm sure your Dad will be proud wherever he may be

Maggie - Videostreaming fills me with horror too!! I'm just not sure why I get other people getting so het up or bothered about seeing me and OH get married. Perhaps I'm more private than I realise. I feel like this about the baby - it's "our thing", not everyone else's.

Minimoo - Our actual anniversary is in June (10 years next year!). We only picked September to get some decent-ish weather and give us more time to adjust to the baby / plan a wedding. If we just go off the three of us it can be whenever as far less planning would be involved. Point taken about what to do with bubba during the actual event though. But we could even go somewhere on our own for a long weekend perhaps....

Elljay - well that's kind of it, the money will go so much further elsewhere. I read somewhere (I think on here) about someone having a mare with interferring rellies and they said they'd adopted the mantra "The wedding is for everyone else, the marriage is for us" which seems to be bonkers to me.

We've got friends who have just moved to the Bahamas and have said about honeymooning there. Perhaps we could just get married there instead?!

I guess OH and I need to sit down and really talk about it. If a party is important to him then we'll have one, but if he's as unbothered as I am, I'd much rather have a lovely time away and do it then.

Thanks for your kind words :A

The video streaming would horrify me too lol!!!!

Just sit down and discuss who you would ACTUALLY want there. Forget people's expectations. We are having about 100, which is more than I would have wanted, but they all mean a lot to one or both of us, so we are happy with our guest list.

Carolyn12

Congratulations Blue Monkey.
You sound just like me!
OH and myself have decided to get married abroad with the plan of just the two of us going, have a couple of weeks in the sun, simple, no fuss, and I can't really be bothered with all the faff! The number of decisions to make with weddings alone fills me with dread, so many options!

We have told the parents (OH's don't seem to care very much-and mine have expressed an interest at being there) and mum brought her wedding dress back from Gran's to show me, so she wants to be a part of it I guess. This is where I'm struggling a bit.
But then, I don't like attention as I am a private person and feel that the ceremony should be about the two people getting married and no-one else. I don't want the stress of worrying about other people and my dad's crappy and often crude jokes; and his attempts to look cool.

A party seems to be important to OH, so I wonder if eloping would be okay, then a party for friends and family that we could organise with the parents?

Any thoughts would be very grateful received.

pbny24

My feeling from your post is that you would want your close family there, parents brothers & sisters & best friend. Could you not have a quick local registry office wedding (as eloping would be but more of the seats would be full) but just have the very closest family there with maybe afternoon tea afterwards?I'm sure if you explain to people that now a baby is on the way you need all your money for house/baby things they would understand. Family may even offer to help with the tea costs. Or you could even just have the close family round to yours afterwards for afternoon tea,a big pot of chilli or a roast- or bring a dish each!And if anyone wanted to complain about the idea tell them it's that or we'll elope!Obviously if this is not what you want then you should go with what you want but just a suggestion!