Fall out with lifelong friend about maintenance payments

swingaloo

Thank you again for the replies.

Unfortunatly for us, she is the screaming banshee type. She dosnt work at all, thinks the world owes her a living. Her husband works 'cash in hand' for a relative and is 'constantly laid off due to the weather' so we dont know how her income is. However we often get calls pleading for part of the maintenance early or for extra, never from the mum- she gets the child to call!!!!!!

We can only have her to stay in the school holidays as its a 3 to 4 hour journey each way so its not practical to have her at weekends.

As for reducing the payments, in time we may have to but there will be such a backlash when that happens and in the long run thats not fair on his daughter.

His ex has thrown her toys out of the pram so many times over the years, the stories I could tell!, but that dosnt change the fact that both parents are financially responsible for her wellbeing.

adamantine

your friend should be supportive of you and your partner not making the child suffer coz of an accident out of everyones control.

as long as you are both able to afford it and he appreciates you working extra to pay for his child and you are happy to do it and not bending her ear everday about it then what business is it of hers?

Top_Girl

As a single working mum with a child whose ex has a new partner, I certainly wouldn't expect her to support our son if he wasn't earning.

The government and the benefits system make sure that we can all support our children no matter how little we earn, we may not have the money for luxuries but we all manage one way or another.

I would reduce the payment if you're struggling, maybe not to the level the CSA would reduce it to but certainly to something you can comfortably manage. If you're not struggling then leave it as it is and tell your 'mate' to mind her own business.

Fiver29

Nice to hear of a NRP who takes his responsibilities seriously Such a shame your friend can't understand how he feels.

Marisco

Well I must be honest here (waits for the flack!!) I would probably have said the same as your mate. But I wouldn't have said it nastily and I wouldn't fall out over it. But to me, it does seem daft that you are working all hours just to pay maintenance. I think you would be justified in dropping the amount with what you could comfortably afford, until your oh gets back on his feet.

You say you have a niggling "it's not fair" feeling, you've probably always had it at the back of your mind, which is perfectly understandable, but your friend brought it to the fore. If that was me, I'd sit down with oh and talk it over, before the feeling gets too bad, and resentment sets in. Yes, your oh is to be applauded for "struggling on", but not at the expense of your own lives.

romanempire

There seems to be some weird logic at work here. Why should children be totally insulated from life’s realities? The OP's husband is not working so why should he pay over money he doesn't have?

Look at it another way. Parents and children all living in the same household. Parents earn a good income and the children enjoy the benefit of that (Xboxes, fancy trainers, foreign holidays, etc). Circumstances change and household income drops. While we all want to protect our children I don't think we do them any favours by insulating them totally from life’s ups and downs. So just as the parents have to make some sacrifices, so do the children. The important thing is they have food in their bellies, cloths on their back and a roof over their heads. And the love and care of their parents.

So even when the children are dispersed to other households why would that have to change.

Good on your husband for doing his best but reality bites.

R.

FBaby

i don't think you should have to be responsible for providing for your partner's maintenance to his child, however... it is what would be expected of a pwcp if the pwc couldn't support her child any longer. It seems to be quite accepted that a nrpp shouldn't be providing for her step-children but pwcp should and I don't understand that.

If I lost my job tomorrow, I wouldn't be able to claim any help but for jsa for 6 weeks (only because I've paid enough ni) on the basis of my partner's salary. I certainly wouldn't be able to ask my ex partner to up the maintenance because of my losing my job. Instead, my partner would be expected to support my children. I don't think it is fair, but my partner wouldn't think twice of doing it. I don't think anyone would claim that what he does is admirable.

chriszzz

I have to agree with Marisco and Romanempire.

SwingalooI applaud you for working to help with the maintenance and applaud your oh for wanting to make sure that his child recieves the maintenance but and its a very big BUT to keep it all the way it should be, it is your partners responsibility to pay for his child, I dont think its right that he should let you work overtime to keep your heads above water.

As for your friend I think maybe she is just looking out for you, so I wouldnt be to hard on her, if my friend said the same I know she would be looking after my best interest and isint that what we girls with our friends?

Am not saying this is what you want but who is going to "thank you" for making sure his child is recieving all maintenance...the daughter?, mother? partner? I think you need to talk to your partner and his ex and try to come to some agreement where as you are all happy with the outcome.

Dont take it upon yourself to work yourself into the ground...you need a little bit for yourself at the end of the month! You bludy deserve it!

Marisco

FBaby wrote: »

i don't think you should have to be responsible for providing for your partner's maintenance to his child, however... it is what would be expected of a pwcp if the pwc couldn't support her child any longer. It seems to be quite accepted that a nrpp shouldn't be providing for her step-children but pwcp should and I don't understand that.

If I lost my job tomorrow, I wouldn't be able to claim any help but for jsa for 6 weeks (only because I've paid enough ni) on the basis of my partner's salary. I certainly wouldn't be able to ask my ex partner to up the maintenance because of my losing my job. Instead, my partner would be expected to support my children. I don't think it is fair, but my partner wouldn't think twice of doing it. I don't think anyone would claim that what he does is admirable.

Whilst I understand the points you are making, Romanempire does have a point. If they were still together and the oh lost his job, then their living standards would be drastically reduced. Why should this be any different, just because they are separated? The op's oh has lost his job, even the CSA recognises that an NRP cannot pay the same on "the dole", and reduces maintenance accordingly. Why should the op's oh be any different?

I suppose the difference is with PWCP's is that they live in the house, so they'd have to pay bills regardless of the kids anyway. And an NRPP's CTC is taken into account for maintenance purposes, which isn't right either. The whole system is a mess anyway!! But I must be honest here, I wouldn't work all hours god sends just to pay maintenance for kids that weren't mine, especially if we were struggling.

I'd explain to the PWC, that until oh started working again, then the money will be reduced to an amount that was manageable to us. Obviously I don't know what the op is like, and can only go on how I would feel, but I would get more and more resentful, the longer it went on. Especially as the op doesn't like the job in the first place!!!! I hated my job as well, but it was money at the end of the day, but if it had to go to my oh's ex, I'd have packed it in, in a flash!!! It would have caused too much trouble otherwise!!!:eek:

chriszzz

I think some of us get confused with who should and shouldnt pay what!

A NRPP or PWCP should not have to pay for NRP financial responsibilities. That should be seperate from the two families...the NRP should only pay what he can afford based on his net income, if a NRP becomes ill and has to be laid off work, it still should only go on what he can afford.

In fact when you have a paying NRP and a PWC who has a partner, the NRP maintenance is regarded in helping out his children financially and the PWCP finances are an added bonus to the household that he lives in.

If the NRP can no longer work due to ill health then that is a very sad time for them, that means that his health has deteriorated and am sure the NRP would prefer to have good health and able to financially support his children.

Under circumstances like this If ill health prevails us...is it right to make money the most important or should we be thankful that the NRP can still spend quality time with their child?