Fall out with lifelong friend about maintenance payments

swingaloo

Dont know whay Im posting this really, just wonder if Im the crazy one or if my friend is right.

Situation is- my partner pays child support for his child and always has done but is now on benefits due to not being able to work after an accident and so we are struggling financially.

Im working full time and trying to do extra hours when I can. My partner is still paying the full amount of child support to his ex.
He pays her through the bank, not the CSA although they were previously involved.

My friends husband has 3 children by his ex wife but now only pays maintenance for one as the eldest are now working.
Went out with my friend last night and got talking about money, or the lack of it! We usually go away for a weekend in November Xmas shopping with another friend and Ive told her that this year I wont be going.

I explained that we were struggling at the moment and she brought up the fact that 'I hope that he's not still paying XXXX full money, he can get it down to a few quid a week if hes on benefits'.

Now we know this but as my partner says, its not the childs fault that we are struggling. (We know the mum struggles as well)

His child is in her early teens and so its an expensive time, she wants to be able to go out with her friends etc.

He also feels that as he isnt 'there for her' on a daily basis he can at least hold his head up and say that he helped financially.

Well, the debate got heated and my friend told me that i was mad to be working extra hours and half killing myself to suport us whilst he (my partner) was giving money to his ex. She said that she though it disgusting that my partner was willing to let me work harder to support his ex.
The thing is, she knows I hate the job, find it really hard work and also that I dont speak to his ex (long story- wont bore you).

However, I can see my partners point of view and think that as we are a couple we should pull together for whatever the reason.

My friend said she really cares about me and thinks I am beig taken for a mug, then walked away and told me to 'call her when I come to my senses'. She told me that no way would she ever put herself in a position where she was earning money to support another womans children and when her husband had had a period out of work he didnt pay a penny maintenance.

I dont want to fall out with my friend but feel really angry with her for critising my partner but I also because she made me very defensive about my actions.

I can sort of see both sides - any opinions please?

pinkcheshirecat

I don't know anything about the ins and outs of this maintenance wise, but there were 2 things that struck me, the first was, you went out last night.....had your friend had a drink? Sometimes people say more than they would normally when under the influence, and secondly, I admire both you and your partner for trying your hardest to ensure that his dd doesn't suffer financially because you've fallen on hard times. I think when you read about the nightmares with maintenance that some parents, both pwc and nrp have with their exs, your and your oh's determination to see his child right is commendable.x

Oldernotwiser

You have a good, honourable partner - can't say the same about your friend!

nearlyrich

If only all NRPs and their new partners had your sense of responsibility....it's not the child's fault their parents split and both parents should be equality responsible for their financial support. Just because the law allows people to shirk their responsibilities doesn't make it right. Hold your head high OP.

PreludeForTimeFeelers

If the case isn't through the CSA any more then it's down to the PWC and NRP to come to their own arrangement of a lesser payment. If you and your partner are struggling financially, then it may be worth speaking to the PWC. It's true that it's not the child(children)'s fault, however it seems that there may be an element of a guilt payment here.

clareabella666

I think you just need to answer yourself one question, are you happy to work more in order to support your OH's children, if you are then carry on with what your doing. If not then maybe tell your OH your not happy with the situation.

To be honest i think what your doing is very applaudable, i don't think i could do it myself so a big pat on the back to you. Your friend also has to realise that what happens in your relationship is your buisness not her's and if your happy the way things are then she should be happy for you.

real1314

I can see the sense in both arguments about whether you should still be paying the maintenance. They both have merits.

That's not really the issue though.

The real issue is if your friend will only be a friend if you agree with her. That is not a true friend. Maybe it was the drink, but if not, I'd think again about the friendship.

Me and my mates can disagree radically about various subjects, but we are still friends and would still support each other as/when we all need it. Having and accepting different opinions is what makes us stronger, better friends imho (obviously up to a point). :cool:

swingaloo

Thank you for the replies, no we hadnt been drinking lol!!!!

Im certainly not looking for a pat on the back, I hate parents who shirk responsibility so much as well.

As for the guilt thing, he isnt paying out of guilt. They split up 12 years ago (before I was on the scene). They had only been together 3 months when she told him she was pregnant and he knew it was never going to work between them but gave it a try.
She told him she was awaiting fertility treatment and that her prev partner had left because she couldnt have children. Still, hes responsible for his own actions and loves his child dearly.

Im ok with working to help pay but since the conversation I had last night this little niggle keeps coming in the back of my mind about it .

I think he is doing the right thing morally We try to live week to week on his benefits but then when I get paid at the end of the month I have to go to the bank and virtually put all my wage in to cover the rent, maintenance etc and I have to admit that I do have this tiny moment of 'this isnt fair', my wage is completely gone again and Ive worked all month.

Oh dosnt take me for granted though, I know he feels absolutly awaful that Im working and he cant. Hes a very proud man who sees it as his responsibility to look after me as well.

As for my friend, she has very strong opinions (as have I) but we have
always got on. She told me she was angry because she cares so much for me and thinks I am doing the wrong thing.

Didismump

Agree to differ...Smile, and know that you are both doing (you & your OH) what YOU feel is right...:)
If you don't then stop...Any friendship worth having IS going to survive a silly spat like this..and IF your friend puts the boot on the other foot OR imagines herself in the shoes of your partners Ex, then maybe a different slight will be seen..
If you are BOTH happy ( you & your OH) then I would think MOST people would say give yourselves a HUGE pat on the back to both of you for carrying through with your (OH's) responsibilities...:)
Well Done both of you...(but remember to look after yourselves too as if either of you hit rock bottom then ALL of you involved will suffer)...;)

clearingout

For what it's worth, I would be very, very proud to call you my friend.

You are under no obligation to support your partner's children, no. I wonder if some small compromise could be found that might just ease things for you - even just reducing the maintenance by the same amount it costs you for one weekly shop, for example, would help you out a little bit but ensure that the child receives far more maintenance than she would need if the CSA got involved. Is mum reasonably co-operative and likely to understand or is she more the screaming banshee kind?!

janninew

Hi OP,

I think you are doing a very noble thing, but if you are starting to feel resentful (and many would in your shoes) can you not reduce maintenance a little? You are having to tighten your belts, your OH's ex will have to do the same, if they were still together, her income would be reduced like yours is now. The child is his and her responsibility jointly, can she not work more hours and he have the child more often, if they were still a couple and one was sick, this would be the solution to earn more money.