What do relate actually do?

lovesabargain123

Hiya
I was going to change my user name and go anon but last time I did that OH had checked my history and knew I'd set up a new account and wasn't best please I was discussing our relationship on an open forum so I thought what the hell I'll ask under my normal name :eek:

Long story short is OH and I have been having problems for about a year now,all came to a head in April time and we decided to try again.... Everything was seemingly going well till a small incident in the supermarket car park over who put the trolly back,he howls at me like a dog (one of my big issues was the way he treats me and how howling at me made me feel.....he says he's joking 'why have a dog and bark yourself ' This was about 2mths ago now and things have got worse then ever. I'm snappy and nasty with him as I said in April I would not let him hurt me again,he's nasty back to me or more often than not tells me I'm boring when I try and discuss our relationship and ignores me (cos he's just going to work,just come home,kids are about,watching football,on ps3 etc) and when I do finally get his attention it last 10mins tells me he's sick of hearing it as there is nothing new (but I don't feel we have cleared the issue up that I have been going on about cos he won't talk to me)

So then during a conversation (strained one I might add ;-) he tells me he thinks I have mental health issues and I should see a dr.I made an appt as had a sinus infection anyway,explained the situation at home and had to go back the following week.In this week OH tells me I am stupid and can't believe I have said this to the dr as I have opened a 'massive can of worms' so the following week I dutifully go to appt and tell dr that actually OH didn't mean it and I am fine

Now I am left really confused and upset, I'm wondering if I do have MH problems and constantly questioning my every thought...which is driving me mad to say the least.I also don't feel as confident round people as I did a few weeks back.I'm very shy as a rule but seem to have gained loads of confidence as I now work 2 days and get on really well with my work mates and started to have a social life but now don't really want to do anything or go out etc..As he also said I'm fat and unfit (ok this is true I cried half way round a hike and I am over weight,I'm a snug 16)

Anyway sorry this has gone on a little long,I didn't intend to

The only thing I can now think of is Relate as he won't have distractions and will have to talk to me.At the end of the day it was OH that wanted us to make a go of it earlier this year where as I was up for leaving and calling it a day. It was him that wanted to carry on and now says he doesn't mind either way what happens

So if anyone can tell me what it actually is that Relate does,I would be ever so grateful

Many thanks x

166million

It sounds like he has MH problems, rather than you. Relate are counsellors, you just sit in a room and talk to them, they might ask you questions. Charged £50 when I went, many years ago

Bexm

Hi!

You sure you want to be with this bloke? Sounds a nasty piece of work!

Anyway, that said, relate kind of helped us.
They said you pay as much as you can afford when we went and we paid £30 a session.
They just sat us down and talked to us.
Made us talk to each other civilisedly about the problems and wouldn't let the other but in or anything until one had finished..

They gave us little tasks and asked how it went the following week.. Kind of like 'when you can feel your self wanting to shout at your other half to do something...' although I really cant remember what!

I think it actually helped.. but we both had to work on it too. If you're adamant to save your relationship anything's worth a go! but you both must be willing, cos if he's not willing to speak it will never work!

Bex

Bumpmakesfour

Howling at you like a dog,checking your history,telling you you have mental problems?If anybody sounds like they have mental issues he does!No wonder your confidence has taken a knock being told you're boring and stupid:mad:
He doesn't sound like he's trying very hard to work on your relationship tbh.Why did you nearly split up earlier in the year?Was it him treating you like this?

snowmaid

Eewwwww he really is horrible, isn't he!! If my OH even thought about howling at me, he would be castrated!! :mad:

People who abuse/belittle others usually have a very low self esteem - take bullies for example.

He is using mental abuse because he is probably scared of you losing him. If he has you thinking that you're lucky to have him and can't be without him, then that gives him 'comfort' knowing you will always be there.

You're boring? Perhaps it's because he's made you that way. Tell him to sod off. Seriously. You are better than that.

Develop your own life without him. Let him drowned in his own self loathing.

jovichick123

I really hope you don't take this the wrong way but it sounds like he has zero respect for you or your feelings. No one should have to put up with being belittled in the you have and am not suprised you are upset with it all. Obviously if you are considering going to Relate you feel there is something salvageable from the relationship but to be honest, as others have said, it's only really going to help if you both work at it - if your OH refuses to talk about the issues at hand, you're going to get nowhere.

Just a thought, has he always behaved like this with you with the put downs and insults or is it something that has happened over time? The reason I ask is that if he has changed over time, there could be an event that has made him behave like this - work stress, money troubles etc? Maybe if you can get to the route of what is really bothering him, you would have a better shot at sorting it all out?

Good luck

pigpen

It sounds like he is looking for a way to get out of the relationship... while being an evil bully.. stooping to name calling and unsubstantiated disgnoses of MH issues.. on what grounds? IS it that you say no to him or argue back? That was when I was told I was mad and off my head and other such lovely things.. because they are too thick to come up with a proper reasonable argument it has to be you in the wrong..

Shouting, checking up on you like you are a child.. !!!!!! is that about?!

size 16 is actually average currently.. Marilyn Monroe was a size 16 and noone said no to a slice of that pie! In most surveys when they ask men which body shape/size they prefer they almost always choose the size 16ish.

He is threatened by your new found confidence and social life and is trying to undermine that because he feels threatened.. that isnt YOUR problem that is HIS problem.

Id be coming up with replies to his stupid comments.. he says you are stupid.. you say you must be to put up with him.. he says you are fat you say he is ugly at least you can diet! ..

I kind of hope he checks up on your post here.. he might realise it is he who needs the help and that his behaviour is immature and nasty and if he doesnt stop he WILL lose you because there is only so much you can take before calling it a day... by which point there is nothing but animosity which is quite sad.

Errata

Relate helps couples to sort out their relationship and sometimes that means supporting them so they can separate.
You can go to Relate as a couple, or on your own if a partner is against seeing them.

Little_Leita

Are you sure you even want to bother with Relate??? Your OH sounds vile (and scarily familiar). My husband used to start a row, twist my words, tell me my family and friends thought I was a carp wife/mother, follow me from room to room shouting..... and then tell me I was 'a lunatic' when I used to end up hysterical!

He's not my husband any more.....oh and I haven't been 'a lunatic' once since

Good luck sweetheart. x

Millie2008_2

Sorry to hear that you are having such problems :cuddle:

Relate are (IMO) brilliant and if we hadn't gone for counselling a few years back we wouldn't be still together. We went for an assessment session first. whereupon the counsellor gave us both the opportunity to talk about what we perceived the issues to be, then we attended for about 8 more sessions, where we talked, lots and explored our issues and what we could do to move forward. What I found especially helpful was that the counsellor pointed out in real time how we related to each other AND OH listened and began to address his own behaviour, which was amazing as previously it had been all my fault, apparently.

We also explored our relationship history, in terms of how we relate to family and friends and how these patterns of relating impact on our current relationship, it was really fascinating for me
and has made a huge difference to how we operate as a couple

I recommend it wholeheartedly

lovesabargain123

Thank you for everyone's reply.

I have text him to see what he thinks about it.