Help me to help my widowed Dad

Blade26

Hi all

I am hoping you will be able to help my rationalise my thoughts and help me to find a way through the dilemma currently being experienced by me and my sisters.

Bit of history, mum died 18 months ago very suddenly, Dad is only 63 and is living in a massive 4 bedroomed bungalow, our family home for 23 years. My sister (I am one of 4) lives round the corner, the rest of us live away and so don't visit as often as we might like. Sister round the corner has called us to say that the house is a tip, filthy dirty, grease everywhere in the kitchen etc. Dad did have a cleaner unti 6 months ago, she was like part of the family having started cleaning for Mum when she had me and my twin 33 years ago. Anyway the cleaner broke her ankle very badly and has told him she's not coming back, the simplest solution on the face of it would be to get a new cleaner, but my Dad is very shy and finds it hard to mix with people he doesn't know, so it's a no no a the moment. Final bit of history, sister round the corner is stepsister and freely admits she hasn't got a good relationship with Dad (unless she wants/needs something, but that's another thread!) so she won't be that interested in helping too much I would imagine.

Anyway back to the issue in hand, my othe sisters and I and the one one round the corner (who will come round if we are all there) are thinking that we go one weekend and help dad to autumn clean the house in prep for winter and at the same time ALS hel him organise himself. He seems t be suwffering slot from bad stomach complaints, which is ringing alarm bells with me about hygiene in the kitchen.

Where should we start, would you suggest flylady? Has anyone else had experience of something similar when a parent is widowed? What did you do?

Thanks for reading

Blade26

bluebag

So sorry to hear if your dilemma. Perhaps when you and your sister's do the sorting out you could employ a cleaner to come and help you. This would help your dad to get used to the new cleaner while you are there.

Rowan9

Sorry to hear of this. I'm sorry for your loss. It's so good that you are all thinking of a way forward and that you're asking for help. My dad was 69 when my mum died but he wasn't very well soon after and we arranged a cleaner, a local lady who my dad was happy to have in the house, also Meals on Wheels twice a week (a good few years ago now) and latterly he had more help. Does your dad use a microwave? I'm just thinking that, if the kitchen maybe isn't all the clean (you mention this as a worry about his stomach problems) then he could maybe zap individual meals, eating them from the plastic tray and then chucking that away. Things like oranges and bananas if he likes fruit, ie things that peel. I think you'll get a better idea once you've seen him as someone's view of cleanliness of a house/ coping etc can be different from someone else's. Try not to worry, and be assured that there is a way through this.
W

monnagran

My Dad wasn't widowed but my Mum had dementia and like most men of his generation he had no idea at all about things domestic. I also lived an hours drive away at the time and was a single parent of 2 teenagers and running my own business so couldn't be a lot of help. I spent a few days with him and gave him a simple routine, (Flylady sounds a good idea but you might have to feed it to him a bit at a time.) I also taught him a few simple recipes. We did manage to persuade him to have a cleaner once a week which helped. Half the trouble is that they don't have the first idea about what needs to be done - can't even see the mess. Then I found that twice daily phone calls worked well. Once in the morning giving just one or two chores to be done and one in the evening for checking up and encouragement. It doesn't always have to be you, your siblings can take their turn too. It worked for me. After a while my undomesticated Dad could cook, clean, wash, iron and even had a go at sewing, although he was vastly relieved when I intrduced him to Wundaweb. We had a lot of laughs along the way and I have never admired him more. Not only was he learning all these new skills but he was looking after Mum as well. When Mum died we talked him into leaving the big family house and moving into a small bungalow. OK, it took us 10 years and he was 90 by the time we persuaded him, but for the next 4 or 5 years he was in clover. He died this year at 97 and I still miss him. I can only tell you what worked for me but I hope it has given you a few ideas.

Carolyntia

So sorry to hear about your mum. If the house has got into a bad state that suggests to me that your dad is suffering from depression and really needs to see a doctor. Perhaps you can gently suggest this too him.

If he really isn't up to getting another cleaner like bluebag has suggested then it might be worth you drawing up a small rota for him once you've got the place back on an even keel.

I think flyladies might be a bit 'full on' for your dad. Have you tried the messies thread?

MaggieBaking

For the long term could you and your sisters do a rota for 6 weeks or so and coincide visits with a cleaner? That way he will be able to get used to her and be happy after that having her in his home? Then she can carry on without you being there.

I think giving everything a good overhaul is a great idea. My friend lived in the filthiest house you've ever seen and as he was moving I helped him clean it for his deposit. I went to the local pound shop and spent about £14 on:

A bag of 6 kitchen roll
The biggest roll/pack I could get of blue cleaning cloths for a pound - they get holes in with scrubbing so you need to replace regularly as you go
Rubber gloves
A big spray bottle of Grease Away (or something similar sounding, it was brilliant)
Large bottle of thin bleach
Multi pack of toothbrushes
Oven Cleaner (more expensive, but I've since discovered Oven Pride which is amazing)
Large bottle of fairy liquid
Bin bags
Window cleaner
Bucket

I would also buy a Pledge Duster with a few heads so you can clean the walls, corners etc.

First thing, send your Dad off to a local OAP coffee morning if you can, or send him on some errands? Go in, open every single window as wide as you can. Go to the dirtiest places like the toilet, gas hob etc and make up a bucket of hot water, fairy liquid and a dash of bleach. Using kitchen roll, soak it in the solution and wrap around anything that looks really stubborn and ingrained. Almost like paper mache on the toilet boll etc.

Then get your Oven Pride soaking in. Then using everything you have, clean everywhere. Hoover last. Then leave some fresh flowers in some rooms as an encouragement for how clean it all is



Once everything is all clean, to help your Dad perhaps you can get some bathroom and kitchen wipes so he can just give things a quick swish and keep on top of it. Alright it is expensive but it will work out wonderfully if he uses them every day to keep things clean. Pledge Dusters are great for not having to fiddle around with cloths too. Spend some money on things that us "youngsters" don't necessarily need but if he can afford it perhaps you can get things that are purpose made for the easiest life. For example a 3ft dustpan and brush so he doesn't have to bend over, a lightweight hoover, an expensive plug in air freshner etc.

It must be horrendously awful to carry on when you've lost the love of your life. Especially as he has nothing to clean up for if people aren't visiting regularly. Try and help him see by example that it's a better life to keep a happy healthy home.

If he's shy perhaps you and your sisters could invest some cash to making his everyday life a little happier to stop him and his house becoming depressed. Use your Tesco Vouchers to get him a magazine subscription maybe, or buy him a DAB Radio, organise it for him and write a list of the times of shows he might be interested in. See if you can get him involved in any local OAP activities by contacting his local Age Concern?

Once you sort everything out for him, visit him again soon after to give things another quick wipe down and he'll soon realise how easy it is to keep on top of it.

lizzyb1812

Re the cleaner - could your dad's old cleaner recommend a new one for him? He might feel that that would be OK because it would not be a complete stranger.

And, remember, he's 63 not 93, not even an OAP yet, but coping with grief and unused to managing things himself - he needs help to see what's what, not organising or babying (not suggesting OP thinks like this)

Need2bthrifty

Hi Blade26, I can totally appreciate your situation, been there, done it, worn the T/shirt. Unfortunately for me I only have two brothers so basically it was left to me although I lived the furthest away!!

I think you are right to get all of your sisters involved, do a big clean up and involve your dad in organising things the way that suits him. However he will probably prefer to do things the "old" way ie the way your mum did.

I would certainly recommend organising another cleaner or cleaning company, for 1) even though there are a few of you taking turns someone will always be too busy or have something on, meaning that whoever comes in next has double to do. 2) once your dad gets to know the person he may enjoy someone coming in a couple of times a week. 3) although he is relatively young at the moment there will come a time when it will reassure you and your sisters that someone is "checking" on him and can report back if there are any concerns that he may not want to discuss with you.

I think your right to get other peoples perspective on this situation, because I got myself in a position where dad relied on me and basically my brothers didn't bother doing stuff. Although latterly because of the relationship I had with my dad I was the only who could get him to do stuff that he wasn't particularly keen on doing - like shaving - when I started calling him Cpt Birdseye he kinda of got the message :rotfl:

I hope this helps, good luck.

Blade26

lizzyb1812 wrote: »

And, remember, he's 63 not 93, not even an OAP yet, but coping with grief and unused to managing things himself - he needs help to see what's what, not organising or babying (not suggesting OP thinks like this)

This is my biggest fear, by doing it all for him we set a level of expectation which is not easy to maintain, plus he able bodied and retired, I think he just is overwhelmed by it all, though my twin and I have offered to help before and he has either ignored our offer or not responded. It sounds like it's bad though now, he has always had hoarding tendencies which did Mum's head in though she managed to keep it under control. This is apparently all getting out of control as well, I have always though he had the ability to be a Mr Treebus (from BBC programme name escapes me) but we don't want it to get that bad.

What's the messes thread?

Thanks

Blade26

Carolyntia

Blade26 wrote: »

What's the messes thread?

Thanks

Blade26

If you go to My home is a mess thread they might be able to suggest some less full on cleaning or how they cope with mess and hoarding tendencies

booter

Hi Blade26. Sorry to hear about your Mum. I agree with all the advice given so far - it sounds like your Dad needs a bit of the Kim & Aggie treatment! The only addition I can make is that if he's been non-commital in the past about your help, could pride be getting in the way? If so, maybe suggest a deep clean as birthday/early Xmas pressie? But defo introduce the rota idea - and I found that to incorporate the use of as many tools/gadgets (toys!!) as possible - sounds daft, but worked for us (to a degree)