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Help needed with money.
Comments
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I don't understand why you're only working part-time when your OH is at home on his backside and perfectly able to take care of the children.0
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Hello again.
I'll start with an apology becuase i'm going to be blunt, but the bluntness comes with hugs!
I'm not sure it's financial advice that's the priority., it's figuring out an exit strategy from your marriage. What does he contribute? And I don't mean to the bills. You do need to think about this. You don't need to tell us but you need to figure out what you and your kids need from him, and if he can give it.
You sound like you have a huge amount on your plate and you're taking positive steps. Maybe sit with your counsellor and make a list of the things you need to consider before you make a final decision. Please reach out to friends or family even if they're at the other end of the country as you need some allies who know you and your family to help you work out the way forward.
Money can be a nightmare but it's always fixable, as you've proven with how much of your own debt you've taken care of already. You can't fix a person who isn't interested in taking resonsibility. Please put you and your kids first, as it sounds like he might not.
Hugs again xxx0 -
Hi,
I can't help with any money saving advice but wanted to offer you a hug. My ex husband had a serious injury in 2007, and he ended up going a bit crazy. I had to go through a divorce via the courts. He dragged it out all the way but I had to do it for my own sanity. I ended up able to stay in the house until youngest is 18 or end of first degree, he is now 7. The judge commended me for working 20-30 hours a week and studying part time for a degree. People asked me why I didn't work more when he was off sick but he went crazy on the booze and drugs so it was just not the best thing for the kids. You know what's best.
Anyhow, I got lucky with a solicitor but didn't qualify for legal aid due my earnings of £9.50 an hour but the solicitor agreed to work at Lego aid rates. The whole thing cost me £5,000 and he let me pay £250 a month. I was so relieved to get it over with and am now happier than ever and half way through my degree. A better life is on the horizon. Be strong and send me a PM if you would like the solicitors details. He is in Surrey btw!
For everyone else reading, please don't shoot me down in flames for anything I've said. Imjust sharing my own person experience.0 -
I meant legal aid rates not Lego aid rates!!!!!0
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PM1CAS - I love the idea of lego rates!For everyone else reading, please don't shoot me down in flames for anything I've said. Imjust sharing my own person experience.
Just wanted to say I'm not sure why anyone would shoot you down in flames for offering your support. It's great to hear more details of the practicalities of what's possible and how much you've managed to change - a great example for onlyme110. There's some brave folk round here indeed.
V0 -
Everyone on IB is being re-assessed for ESA anyway so when his time comes he'll have no choice. Everyone who passes the new medical will be put onto ESA (contributions based) for one year. Then and only then can he apply for income based. But with you earning a wage he might not meet the income rules.
Mortgage interest is not my area of expertise, but on ESA CB you don't get any means tested help like you do on ESB IB or IS.
Some food for thought for you anyway0 -
In response to #12. I am only working part time because that is 3 days a week at 8hrs a day. My working week goes from Sun-Sat so sometimes I have 5 or 6 shifts in a row if they fall Thur Fri & Sat of one week then Sun Mon Tue of the next. My work isn't easy and I do need a break. On my days off I use 1 day to study (while the children are at school) and the rest of the time is after school events, housework, just general stuff! I do pick up bank shifts when I can in order to increase my hours if the children have no plans. My issue isn't with how much I do because I do an awful lot whether it looks that way or not. The reason I can't go contracted full time is due to him having no transport so he cannot do with the ids the things I can. He can't pick the eldest one up from school because it is 8 miles away and I did say before she has learning difficulties so I am dubious about letting her get the train just yet because she's only just started there. He does not like to get the bus/train etc with the children so leaves it for me to do instead. And I believe as they are my children I should take them where I can. I don't rely on other people to do it for me.
Thank you VKA for the hugs & advice. I do know deep down that we will be better off without him, but it's so hard to take that first step and go to the solicitor. He does some housework and he picks the youngest 2 kids up from school as it's only up the road! He does some cooking. And he tells me I ought to be grateful cos he is my free babysitter! They are his words about his own children!! The rest of the day and night is spent playing computer games.
To Pm1cas - thank you so much, it is good to hear a story that has a positive outcome cos that is what I hope for. I always thought if I went through the courts they wouldn't consider giving me the children because I am at work yet he is home all the time. I would have to put them in childcare in order to keep my job if I were a single parent, that's one of the biggest reasons I've stayed here so long. I know I'm stupid for doing it, believe me I do but I thought it would be for the best. I know I could survive on my own cos I am strong enough, my parents want me to get a divorce but they wouldn't be able to offer any help with the children due to both working full time themselves.
And finally to Kxmx - I've waited for 2 years for that letter to drop on the mat, saying we want to switch you, or you need to come for a medical etc but it NEVER Happens. I keep thinking how much longer will it be. I have tried screaming, shouting, being rational, talking nicely, going through possibility after possibility about going to work but he just has excuse after excuse. Don't worry about the mortgage side of it, I'm on a payment plan with them and it's interest only so I'm managing to cover the 400 a month from my wages, then utilities (with a lot of negotiating lol) then I use whatever is left for food, school trips etc so I'm just about getting by atm as long as nothing else rises!! Just wish the dwp would hurry up and send this letter - is there a cut off point at which they will stop IB???0 -
oops forgot the bank bit. Have given new details in at work so they are moving my wages. Tax creds are doing the same. Phoned gas & leccy this morn to get them switched over and now about to start manually moving the rest!!
No overdraft on the account so hopefully then I can remove my name.0 -
I'm going to be blunt, but like the others, it's with sincere hugs and understanding. I've had a tough life too and sometimes, you just have to do things that you might feel uncomfortable with.
So, here goes. As far as I can tell, other than a few minor bills, he pays absolutely nothing into the household. That means that he relies on you, not the other way around which puts you well ahead of 90% of women in this country. You've already stated your intention to divorce, so bite the bullet and do it. Legals will come later, but right now, you need to pack a few bags for him and throw him out...on the street if necessary. He's not even looking after the kids, it sounds like you have most of that in hand anyway, so what exactly is he contributing? I know you promised 'in sickness and in health' but forgive me, being a deadbeat isnt a reason. Once you have him out, you need to disassociate yourself from his accounts. You need to remove every reference from joint names and you need to cancel every account or card that has his name on it. You need to do this immediately because this is going to get messy. You need to move all bills into one name, yours, and you need to get this in hand. However, before you do any of what I have suggested, you need a clear exit strategy and it's important you dont tip your hand yet. If it were me, I would be going ahead and creating all the infrastructure I need like bank accounts and siphoning something from the household into a special protected fund which is my 'get out from under' fund. This fund needs to be completely isolated and hidden from your husband - he must never know you have it. This fund can be however much you designate, but at a pinch, a few hundred will do. When you are ready, throw him out...bag and baggage and change the locks. It's your house, you're paying the mortgage and he isnt. He isnt even contributing to the family. You also need specialist advice on how to obtain a fast divorce. My sister did it in 36 hours, but that's another story.
Finally, you need to sit down quietly and decide that this is your best course of action, or not. Once you start, you have to be absolutely committed to it and all the !!!! that comes along. He's going to be mad, you have to be prepared for that. Seek advice from womens charities who have seen this all before and can offer practical help.Debt Free! Long road, but we did it
Meet my best friend : YNAB (you need a budget)
My other best friend is a filofax.
Do or do not, there is no try....Yoda.
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Hello
I think it sounds like you are doing a fab job of juggling everything whilst in the midst of a difficult situation. I will not try and offer financial advice as I am just getting to grips with things myself, but I just wanted to offer you some encouragement and I hope it all works out well for you x'Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses' - Confucious0
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