Ex-partner and difficult times

BarntheBarn

Hi everyone,

I hope some people might have some useful bits they can share with me. So here goes:

Five years ago I started dating someone I had met via a dating website. They told me they had been sexually assaulted in a previous relationship though in the early days I walked in on her talking to this ex 'abuser' on the phone in a fairly flirty way so never really believed it.

Anyhow I accepted this quirk and knowing she had a lot of mental health issues continued with the relationship. I spoke to numerous debt collectors, reaching settlements on all her debts on the basis that she would pay me back. Her father was severely disabled and it was causing stress with the bailiff visits.

Over the 5 years her behaviour has been crazy, she eventually moved in to the shared ownership flat I own with my sister though this was never agreed. She screamed loudly for no reason regularly and made ludicrous demands causing regular upset with friends and family. One time she drove off in her car at great speed well I was leaning on it trying to talk to her resulting in several stitches to my face and knee. There was no end to the extreme element of her behaviour but I worked with her trying to calm her down and helping her out. In five years she has had over 100 jobs and never paid back her debt.

Over the last 2 years she has become lazier and spent days in bed sleeping, adding to bills and being increasingly rude again. I told her she needed to find somewhere else to live on many, many occasions but of course she had no money and still owed me £7000.

She has attempted suicide and vanished for days at a time on many occasions all adding to this ‘notion’ that her life is bad and she is some kind of victim.

3 months ago after an 11pm night out with my sister I arrived home and she seemed to be asleep. Suddenly she shouted that I had been with prostitutes and given her an STD. I said she needed to leave by the end of the week.

She responded by saying "I'm going to take as long as I like". At this point I picked up her set of keys and removed my own from her set. I picked up her phone and said she had to leave but I was happy for her to collect belongings she needed. She spent 20 minutes helping herself to stuff including new toiletries that were mine. I said nothing as I just wanted it to be over. She left.

At 3am she called and asked to come back in. I said no.

Over the next month she made 3 visits to my flat collect her belongings. A year ago she got a kitten so this was agreed to stay with me until she was settled. When she visited I would take the kitten to her in the car and fill the boot/back seats with her stuff.

After the 3rd visit on an early morning at about 8am the doorbell rang and it was her with 2 Police officers and 2 PCSOs to collect remaining belongings, though stuff in my dads garage had not yet been collected and taken to my flat. The cat was terrified and in trying to hand her over I ended up with numerous serious wounds on my upper torso and legs. I am currently complaining to the IPCC regarding the nature of this visit and the subsequent ignorance to my feedback.

After this cat 'arrest' my ex started sending emails calling me names. She had 'fallen in love' with a former drug/alcohol addict who lives in supported housing. He was in my car parking space when the cat was taken.

I collected evidence up and met with a Police Officer who has issued her with a Harassment notice. At the time he did this he also gave her personal photographs and agreed that any post I would forward to her mothers address.

It was agreed that I would collect her remaining possessions together and the Police would arrange collection. He remaining possessions are in my flat waiting for this to happen (she had a number of items in my fathers garage as he kindly agreed to store them when her own mother evicted the items). The stuff from my fathers’ garage is now in my flat also awaiting collection.

This week my father received a letter from a "Domestic abuse law firm" saying that my ex and her mother would like to visit to collect stuff (even though my ex knows Police are going to get it to her).

I also had a letter with an itemised list of several things that are not hers. Basically, items that have some financial value and/or are sentimental to me.

The letter suggests that my ex meet my father at the flat to find these items and take them away (my father is very unemotional whereas everybody else is horrified at her ongoing behaviour which they have witnessed).

I have an “Owings list” in her writing and a greetings card (that is signed and would prove she considers herself to owe me money).

I really just want to move on and would appreciate any advice regarding the law and if this is likely to turn in to something I’m going to need to fight?

Thanks J

newcook

send a letter back to the domestic lawyer stating that there are already arrangements in place for the collection of her stuff, what she is now asking for is not hers and you do not want her in or near your property.
also put in the letter that she owes X amount and you expect X to be paid weekly/monthly

skylight

You are not ever going to get that money back. Treat it as a deadloss now as it will eat you up.

And I echo newcook - write back. I would include about the debt too because you never know, but realistically you have to accept that money has gone.

newcook

sorry, yes - I meant to say to treat the money as 7k well spent on getting rid of dead-weight!

I know it will be hard to forget about the money but if she wont pay it you are only going to end up very bitter and by constantly chasing it she will always be in your life until you have every penny.
obviously if she arranges a payment plan then great but if she doesnt then forget about it.

VestanPance

I'd be stunned if you see a penny of that money.

Although I'm even more stunned anyone could put up with that behaviour for five minutes let alone five years!

bluenoseam

Without meaning to sound harsh consider yourself lucky it's "only" £7k, alarm bells should have been ringing from the get go, lesson learned in life, but i'd send her solicitor a letter detailing everything you contest with valid proof of your ownership and that any attempt to take these would be considered theft and you WILL notify the police.

gratefulforhelp_2

When you write back, make the point that if she believes is a victim of DV, she will not want to come near your flat when arrangements are already in place to get her stuff.

Kay_Peel

I've never known the police 'arrange for collection'. The paperwork would be astronomical - and I mean astronomical - with every item recorded and receipted. They have to be very careful handling property (that's why it's avoided at all costs) because what if she says that xxx is missing and you say that you gave it to the officers? You'd both have a claim against the police. I don't know of any police force that offers such a service - they'd be mad to.

No - I can see what's happened here. It's usual for the police to say: ' We can't make any promises but tell us when you're ready to collect and if there's nothing more pressing then we will try to be there to prevent a breach of the peace.' Sometimes the party phones up and the police say 'Sorry can't help just now, we're too busy. Phone tomorrow'. This can happen a few times and the party has to look at alternatives. I reckon that your ex has probably gone to a solicitor because she's had no luck with the police.

Personally, I'd want this woman out of my life pdq. If your father is agreeable to doing the handover then make sure he has a witness with him.

You might however, take control of this situation by writing back to the solicitor and saying: 'I am agreeable to the collection in the presence of my father on the following conditions:

(a) (Name) is accompanied by an appropriate adult and has made some arrangements for transport.
(b) She collects the property by appointment at either (time, day and date) or alteratively (time day and date).
(c) That if the property is not collected by (time day and date) then I will dispose of the items and take steps to recover the costs of disposal

I would be grateful if you would confirm that she has been advised about the deadline for collection. I look forward to hearing from you with details of the appropriate adult and preferred appointment time. "

Good luck.