advice needed please

confusedneedhelp

not sure where to start my marriage is on the rocks and has been for some time now, but my husband doesnt seem to be aware of this ive told him im unhappy many times but he seems to think a bunch of flowers makes it all better! main problem is that its hard to talk to him as by time the kids have gone to bed 7pm he has been drinking for a hour or two (wine) he thinks the wine as no affect on him but it does! plus he has ptsd. i try to make things work i really do and he says he loves me ,but he makes me feel guilty all the time and i have no friends cos he makes it so hard. i dont work i wanted to get a part time pub job (so i could be with the kids all day and just work 2 or 3 evening a week) to earn some money but he wont let me. he gives me a set amount of money for food and me and the kids each month i never have any money over at the end of the month (im careful with money i dont waste it) and i have no saving i feel lonely and trapped.:(

anyway things have got a whole lot worse cos ive just found out im pregnant :eek:and i know hes going to go mad as he rants at me at lest once a week about he would never have any more kids (i asked him to have the snip if that was the case but he wont) i know he will want me to get rid of it. i dont know what to do i dont want another baby but to get rid of it will break my heart. i cant leave him as i have no money and nowhere to go, if i ask him to leave i will lose my house (mod house) and if i dont have the baby i think my marriage will be over as i dont see how things could ever be right with us again im so sad and i have no one to talk to and im scared to tell my husband does anyone have any adivce ?

13Kent

I don't know what to say to you, sounds like you are not in a good place at the moment. I'm afraid I don't know how to advise you, and I'm not sure this is the best place for you to put this post as this is prmarily a money saving forum. Try something like the babycentre or netmums forums, (https://www.netmums.com)they are centered around family life and I think you will find more people that will be able to advise you. Netmums have a local section too so maybe you will be able to find activities locally that you can go to to meet other Mums. If you are on a camp there should be a welfare system in place, the Hive should be able to put you in touch with someone you can talk to, or talk to someone in your Doctors who might be able to put you in touch with someone that can help and advise you. Good Luck.

confusedneedhelp

we dont have a hive as such as i live on a small camp my problem is not meeting people just that my husband doesnt like me having friends getting cross if he knows ive been next door for a brew etc and we never go out as a couple cos he doesnt like people looking at me. hes away for two weeks at the moment which makes my life easier.

my main question i guess which is why i posted on here is does anyone know where i stand if i leave him? i have no money to rent a house. am i right in thinking i can stay in my house for 90days? thats the only reason i stay with him i dont want to make the kids homeless, and leaving the kids with him is out of the question hes a drunken bully.

QueenieB

A SSAFA worker will be able to help with all sorts of information, and will probably be able to do so without your husband finding out. I'd also be contacting Women's Aid if I were you, they are very good and totally confidential.

Fergie76

Get rid of him.

It's better to have no money and be happy, than in an unhappy relationship.

You would be entitled to a council house and benefits, plus CSA.

angeleyesxx

I really feel for you and i was once in a similar situation with my first husband many years ago as he was drinking alot and wouldnt talk to me but in time i got him to open up about his feelings but of course by then the damage had been done to our relationship and in the end our marriage broke down.

Is your oh getting help for the ptsd from his unit? and have you tried talking to him and trying to get him to open up to you as he might feel like he's having to cope with this on his own or he might not even realise that this is affecting your home life as it definately sounds like it is? I am also an army wife but havent had to go through my oh going away on tour yet but it will be soon.

Your local welfare should be able to help or even have a word with the padre, even if its just for someone to talk to as it does help you know and you're not on your own and you can always pm me if you want to?

Good look and let us know how you get on xx

Ms_Chocaholic

Do you have an Army Welfare Service nearby ... they offer support and individual counselling if you feel that would help.

Gonzo33

Speak to Welfare, AWS and Ssafa. If you are in UK speak to womens aid as well. You will have 93 days to vacate MQ's. The Army may put you up in the Cotswolds as a temporary measure until you are back on your feet.

In relation to money, if you leave him you will be able to claim (solely) Tax Credits/C.benefit/CSA. Maybe others like JSA or Income Support (you'd need to speak with the Job Ctr in relation to those.

Have you registered with your home town council for housing? You need to do that as well.

Will come back if I can think of anything else.

confusedneedhelp

no doctor has ever said he has ptsd he says he has it but wont talk about it or see anyone about it (some times i wonder if he says he has it so he can drink so much?) his drinking is the main problem and i cant see if ever getting better.

looked at tax credits etc online and id be better off money wise then i am now so thats one less thing to worry about. ive also made my mind up if i leave then i will move back to yorkshire as i miss the north and houses are cheaper to rent and hopefully train to be a childminder as i dont want to bring my kids up on benifits.

i feel much better now thanks for all the advice

EmmEve

You'd be ok if you left as you have hopefully seen.

He could get help if he wanted too. Unfortunately you can not help someone who refuses to help themselves.

I_M_Weasel

Being a single parent isn't the end of the world, I've been one for 9 years and I'm happy and so is my child, you'll be ok.

Speak to your welfare; if you're sure its what you want they will get the ball rolling and change your husbands status to separated (Husband needs to complete a form called a JPA N001), this will start your 93 days that you can remain in the quarter, this is actually a good thing as if the timer isn't running then councils will have very little interest in helping you get housing as you'd not be in danger of becoming homeless. DO NOT waste this 93 day period though, plan where you want to go, view housing, explore how much housing benefit you can receive and look at private rents that you can afford with that benefit. The army will provide removals for you but give them as much warning as you can, at least two weeks. Get all your benefits arranged as quickly as possible, do not be surprised if your husband immediately stops giving you any money, the army cannot make him do so.

Good luck, I'm sure you'll be fine in the end, most people are.