Managing fallout from ex with bipolar

kersplatt

Hi all, RAS suggested I posted over here. I'm not sure if you guys can help but here we go

My exDH who has been out of the family home for 14 months now, is allegedly on the verge of a diagnosis of bipolar. He is more likely to be cyclothymic I think given his behaviour patterns as he never swings very high or very low. His lows are apathy whilst his highs are crazy get rich schemes or the acquisition of whatever happens to be gadgety or shiny at the time. In the 12 years we were together, I fought continuously to keep the household finances under control but whatever I did he sabotaged with his spending habits. In those 12 years I never saw a bank statement - I realise how stupid this was of me now but at the time I was so busy getting on with dealing with life, bills, a stressful job and then raising 2 children that when he told me that he could only give me £400 a month from his salary I would just worry about how I would find the rest (usually by working whatever overtime I could.) During this time he would rack up debts or I would have to use credit to cover the shortfall he created. He has finally owned up to the fact that he actually had far more credit cards than I ever knew about and would buy things online or otherwise, feel guilty about it and then sell them at a loss in order to get some of the money back :eek:. I threw him out in June 2010 after giving him the previous 12 months as a one last chance which had included going on a DMP and my suggestion that we should just run everything from one joint account and close all others - this had culminated in April 2010 when he had never changed his bank account over to the new one and was using my salary as his slush fund resulting in multiple bounced direct debits and the bank closing the account. I had gone from a triple A credit rating in September 2008 to having no bank account to my name in April 2010:(

Fortunately having thrown him out I am in a much more stable situation in that I know where the money goes and can cover just about everything bill wise. Unfortunately he has left me high and dry with a debt of 28k which he does not appear to have any intention of paying off. He gives me what the CSA have told him he has to (£238 a month) and not a penny more. The mortgage remains in our joint names and I pay this in full as well as both of our life insurances (for the mortgage). I am on a DMP which I have been paying at £100 a month for the past year but my car HP is finishing this month and so that will go up to £300.

I am in the process of divorcing him - which is having to be done privately (I will earn £14,445 this year if I carry on as I am currently - I'm a senior staff nurse but I have no substantive contract as I have to fit my work around the children and when ex will have them) and about to apply for decree nisi. My solicitor has not so far discussed the financial plan but understands that ex is of the belief that he won't have to pay anything towards the debt. I had the house valued for the purposes of divorce but it is 33% shared ownership with a housing association who get shared equity from the sale of the property. The valuation has come back as £90k. When we bought the maisonette in 2003 it was for £103,500 with a mortgage of £68,500 and the housing association providing the further £35k. The outstanding value of the mortgage is around £55k and if I sold now for the £90k value the housing association would take a cut of the paid off loan value so that isn't even an option to pay off some of it.

It would also appear that without my guidance and restraint that ex has acquired another 17k of debts through payday loans etc in the past year. His parents have apparently cashed in retirement investments and cleared this for him but are making him pay it back over 5 years - I estimate that he probably gives them more per month than I get from him. They are also buying him a brand spanking new car because he needs to get to work - he has only just passed his driving test at 34yrs and 11 momths (never even bothered with lessons whilst I was his chauffeur.)

So there we go. I just wonder if there is any way out of this apart from me working my proverbials off for the duration. As it stands, because of the defaults caused by the DMP, I cannot get the mortgage in my own name and am essentially financially scuppered for a flaming long time. Given how hard I worked to balance the books all the years we were together, it feels like insult has been added to injury

Any advice gratefully received

xx

My SOA

Mortgage -297.79
Council Tax - 82
TV licence - 12.12
RCN - 16.24
Electric - 100.00 (paying arrears off and also pay advance installments)
Car Insurance - 74.53
DMP - 100.00 (going up to 300.00 as of October as car HP finished)
Contents insurance - 11.08
Buildings insurance - 25.67
Life insurance - 31.63 (for ex and myself, he is a smoker, morbidly obese with sleep apnoea)
Critical illness insurance - 15.37 (just for me, family history of breast cancer)
Water - 53.07 (on rates as have been advised I would need to rip out casing for them to fit a meter)
Child care - varies dependent on work - £400-£700 per month
Mobile phone - £34
BT phone and internet - £40

Food, clothing, entertainment and petrol - whatever is left after all bills are paid

Total Outgoings - £1293.50 - 1793.5

Income

Salary - £925 - 1200 (depends on shifts and hours worked)
CSA - £238
Child Benefit - £134
Child tax credit and working tax credit - £700 (has just been increased after paying back overpayment at £200 a month from last year )

£1997 - £2272

I appreciate that this looks like I have a surplus every month but I pay my child care in advance, so some months if I have had a poor month the month before, I will pay more for the month ahead if I have extra work lined up. It means that things are constantly unpredictable. Also I'm going through a divorce which is requiring me to pay upfront - so far £1650 which I won't see again as I am not pursuing the ex for fees (at the time I agreed this I didn't realise that his parents had cleared his debts for him.)

By July this year I had built up some savings using whatever surplus I had by being savvy but unfortunately these got eaten up with the solicitor and a car service and MOT. This month is particularly hard as my final car payment is £460 and my salary was £925.

Anyway - any thoughts?? Thank you xx

RAS

Welcome.

The best starting point is to do an SOA on here.

Can you chedck that your DMP is with a Debt Charity?

MummyEm

What an awful situation. Not really sure that I can advise much about any of this as not something that I have gone through myself. My only thoughts reading your post was whether it would be worth approaching his parents? This obviously depends on your relationship with them, but perhaps by explaining all this to them, they could make him see that he needs to own up to his debts and take responsibility?

Good luck

kersplatt

RAS - I'm with Payplan who the RCN put me in touch with last year. They're quite keen for me to consider an IVA - prolly because they will get the fees for it!!!

I would do an SOA but my income can vary by as much as £400 a month - September is going to be epically dreadful with my final car payment of £460 and my pay being at the bottom end of the scale. Put this way, my number of NSD's will be dramatically increased by the fact that my food budget is non existent - thank goodness for store cupboards!!!

I'm off onto nights tonight but will try and do some sort of SOA over the weekend between shifts and sleep

RAS

kersplatt wrote: »

RAS - I'm with Payplan who the RCN put me in touch with last year. They're quite keen for me to consider an IVA - prolly because they will get the fees for it!!!

At least they are fee free, but yes a few people have suggested they are keen on IVAs.

You can always go to CCCS if they push too hard.

kersplatt

I feel guilty about the idea of an IVA that's my issue with it. I hate the fact that I'm in debt, I was always so good with money but ex was like quicksand - the harder I fought the more he abused my trust and good nature. The fact that he isn't paying towards the debt makes me realise how much of an absolute waster he is. He cares not about the situation me and the children are in and in my view an IVA would compound my situation further as it would essentially leave me completely liable and registered as being my fault. In the past year I have acquired no debts at all and my dad has lent me the sum total of £40! This month I am absolutely broke but rather than thinking about what I can avoid paying, I'm trying to work out if I can afford to go to a friends wedding, pay for petrol or buy food and trying to prioritise. He would have cancelled half of the direct debits by now!!!

kersplatt

I've now added my SOA

Any advice welcome

xx

DS4215

Are the debts in is name, your name or joint?

kersplatt

Unfortunately in my name - he couldn't get anything but subprime credit so I ended up taking them on because it was more financially sound with my good credit rating. What I didn't know at the time was that he had had a CCJ put against him - I only found out when there was 6 months left to run on it, he'd got it when I was heavily pregnant with our daughter and had concealed it from me