I want a family

desperate_DD

My partner and I are in our 30's and currently re-paying our debts on a DMP with CCCS.
At our worst, we were almost £70k in the red and had our heads burried well and truly in the sand.
We managed, just about, paying off the minimums each month on credit cards, overdrafts and pay day loans and just extended overdrafts and personal loans when things got too tight. The banks were all more than willing to 'help us out' in fact, every six months or so they would call us up and invite us to a review and sell us another, bigger loan, or just extend limits and overdrafts. OK no-one forced us to accept it but they sure made it easy and worked hard to persuade us we needed it! Nevertheless, the blame and fault is our own and we are working hard to pay this all back including overtime, extra jobs, online work ebay, cancelling sky, gym, no holidays, etc. Got own from £70k to £50k in 18 months which, granted, still leaves us with a long way to go but I am proud of what we have done so far.
By eating very frugally and spening as little as possible and car sharing, we are even managing to SAVE - shock horror, £100 a month. We were very honest with CCCS on our budget but with the extra work and stuff, we are managing to put this aside each month which helped when the washing machine died and the car neeed a service (3 tyres, brake pads, filter and oil???) and taxing all in the same month! Typical. So it gets wiped out but usually on stuff like this. But glad I have it.

Despite all this, it still looks as though it is going to take forever to pay everything off. And that brings me to my point, we are desperate for a family. We cannot have kids of our own, it is impossible due to cancer treatment when I was younger so we had always planned to adopt at some point.

However, if one of us stopped working to look after a child, we would be crippled financially. There is no way we could still make the DMP payments. That is if social services would even allow us to adopt in our financial mess. We were so stupid!

So today, I chatted to a social worker and she said if we foster, instead of adopt, we still get paid a salary. We get a fee to help support the child, towards bills, clothes and food, plus a fee as our ‘salary’. So I contacted S.services and talked to them and yep, sure enough, I do. But now I feel I have a moral dilemma. Can I do that? Can I foster a child, on a long term placement, so they would be with us until they are 18, and do that as my job? It would be less money than I earn now but we would survive, even with an extra mouth to feed. I would be giving a child a home and fulfilling our dream of being parents and still paying off the money we owed.

Would that child grow up thinking he/she was just a means to an end? That we only wanted them for the money? That isn’t it. I want to be a parent more than anything but because of the stupid financial decisions I made in the past, I feel that dream slipping farther and farther away. I wish so badly we had not been such fools.

Be grateful for your thoughts and comments, whichever way you feel about this. I just don’t know how I feel about it.

KiKi

I'm not a foster carer, nor do I have children; I have experience of friends who foster, though.

But I personally would not recommend fostering if you are wanting children, and seeing it as a second choice when adoption is not possible. You have no guarantees of the long-termness of it. Many foster children have significant emotional problems and needs because of the start they've had in life (not all, of course, but many).

I would also argue that fostering isn't like having your own child, not in the way adoption is. Fostering is - to me - more about helping, supporting and guiding kids who are in real difficulty, who need a lot of support and then will move on. It seems to me to be more of a vocation when you have a passionate desire to help and love children. It's not an option I would look at if I want a child.

What I'm saying is, look at your motivations for fostering. Don't do it because it's your 'only option' to have children. Fostering isn't 'having children' in that way. It can work out, long term, of course, for some. But that's not its purpose. Financially, you won't have kids with you ALL the time. So what happens when you have no placement and then no income?

And whilst I understand you didn't mean it this way, your post could certainly be interpreted as wanting this option for the finances!

I'm sorry you feel that there are no options re having kids, though, especially when you want them. I hope you take the advice in the way it's meant - and as I said, I don't foster, and I'm not an expert in it. I'm sure those with experience can advise better.

ETA - are you sure that your financial position would rule you out of adoption? Also, whilst I'm sure the social worker is great, foster families are in demand, so it could be that subconsciously she was encouraging you to look at it that way!

KiKi

desperate_DD

Thanks for your comments Kiki, I appreaciate your honesty.
I know fostering is different, but the kind of placement social services talked to me about today were permanent, it is adoption for all intents and purposes and the child would stay with us until they are adults.
I suppose I could always work in temporary jobs if there ever was a gap. Waitressing, office junior, cleaning, petrol station - whatever it took to fill in the gap.
I know a few people who foster both temporary and permanently so I guess I should speak to them too.
I just know I feel at the moment like I am not making any difference in the world at all and I am never going to have a child of my own so maybe this is the next best thing.
If a child came to us through fostering or adoption that had physical or mental scaring and the issues that come with that, then we would love him/her and support them the best we could just as if we gave birth to a child that had mental issues or a disability.
I myself was raised by an aunt who loved me, but from a distance. She had her own kids and I was her wayward sisters offspring who was a brat and needed a kick up the backside which she gave me. I felt loved, but it was different to the love I saw her show own kids. So I have some idea I guess of how it might work.

bast

I know nothing about fostering, nor adoption, but with adoption you could equally face huge issues, especially at adopting at a later stage in life so, there might always be difficulties with the child that you adopt.. If it is long term fostering that social services are talking about, why not... If it were me... I would ask social services to put you in touch with parents who do long term fostering... These are the people to speak to about all your concerns... Then its up to you... but start with some advice, and go from there....Also there will be a list of children who need long term fostering and their needs, so from the onset you have an understanding of the needs of the child..... Not going to be easy, but your start in life wasnt either and so from there, maybe there is an understanding of how that child feels, a lot of patience commitment and perseverance is needed, but hey you need that in bringing up any child... x

sorry just gonna add "means to an end " your post speaks volumes of wanting, loving a child, and kids believe, me recognise, know that dont ever worry about that one lol.....

Fathertobe

I think it's a great idea but I'm sure would be very difficult and stressful no different to having your own kids I guess lol my mother in law works for compass well I thinks that's the company!! She has to go out and interview and talk to the couples to see if they are suitable to foster.

it's abit in depth if she feels like your a possible candidate I think your then put on a course be aware if at any stage they feel like this isn't right for the children then sometimes she has to do another visit to tell them that they are no longer eligible as I was asking how her job worked the other day but it was very brief talk so I don't know alot if there is any questions you want me to ask her please feel free to ask as I would be happy to ask for you

SUESMITH_2

we looked into fostering, but they wanted me to give up work to be at home - this was after we got to the end and passed the fostering course you have to do with our authority and bearing in mind they knew i worked from my initial inquiry. this was their final sign up visit

at the time we were devastated but thb i now think we had a lucky escape. a lot of the kids are very damaged and are not easy. don't forget they will still have contact with their birth family and all the issues that that may bring.

QueenBeruthiel

I think it's a great idea!

indigofire

hey,
I have considered fostering, but wont until my debts are cleared as I wouldnt want my stuff repossessed and the kids affected. Maybe its best to wait?

mummytofour

Why dont you think about getting some work with children who are in care? For example voluntary work as organizations often require buddies or visitors for LAC as many of the children have no contact with their families and it means that they dont have any outside contact of their placements.

Children in care are frequently some of the most damaged children in our society, so it would be very unwise to go into fostering without your eyes fully open to what kind of behaviour and relationships you would get from such a child. Remeber these children are the ones that need intensive support, very very rewarding work but also very different from having your own child.

erdd2

Wow what a dilemma! You cannot "have" kids because of your medical condition, desire a child but are concerned about the financial needs/commitments because you want to provide/parent a child....any child would benefit from what you propose...I wish you well

InDeepDebt

If you have paid off £20k in 18 months, presumably that means that in three years you should have paid another £40k.

If you put some money to one side(as you are doing), you may be able to get some full and final settlements in towards the end of the term - maybe even getting your debts totally cleared off.

In three years time - what age will you be and what would you qualify for (age wise) if you were to adopt? Likewise, what would happen if you put off fostering for three years?

I think that fostering is something not to be taken lightly - hence you doing some homework here and no doubt elsewhere. Not sure I could do it but, I'm not in the situation that you are.

Good luck with whatever you decide. Also, well done for getting rid of so much of your debt - I wish we could do as well. Our starting debt was similar to yours - £69k. Going down slowly just now but hopefully it will pick up next year when (Shhh, don't tell anyone) some sharesaves mature - will give us about £15k to pay off some cards and an extra £400 a month.