in debt mother & constant lying.

frustratedfamily

I'm at my wits end with my Mother over her inability to deal with her own finances and well, i've had about enough! She lies every time you ask her about it, yesterday she was told about 3 phone calls and i told her to phone them there & then "i'll go upstairs & get the numbers", up she went, stayed up there for 5 minutes & went back down. I'd went upstairs and heard no phonecalls, my own phone didn't register any outgoing calls, when i asked what they'd said "oh it's just cos i'd paid them last night and the payment hadn't processed yet"....

She's got history for this, it took us the better part of 5 years to get her to finally tell us the truth about her debts - only then because i threatened to take her to court myself. She owes me the better part of £10,000 as well as owing several companies to the tune of what's now probably just under £11,000!

But the problem is any time you ask her about it, you get nothing but bullsh*t from her, i've told her time & again to look into reclaiming PPI (i paid off two storecards charging this - the PPI was more than the actual minimum payment) without any movement from her. Any time i tell her to get them to contact her via writing she ignores it, don't worry Ma, ignore the relatively sensible son who looks after his finances and use your own half-as*ed ideas!

How do i get her to see that what she's doing is killing me & the rest of the family?

Any

Been there, done that!
Unfortunately I have no advice, in our family we no longer communicate with our mother and the rest of the family does not communicate with us, because after we gave up and stopped paying the bills and debts she now tells the rest of the family that we are ungrateful little madams who will not help her out of her problems even though we can afford to! She does not mention the thousand and thousands we already spent though...
The knocks on the door we received from executors..
Or the nasty things she said to us once we said "no"..

And I don't regret we stopped this. If someone tells me that I should get back in touch otherwise I will regret it once she is gone I just think my own... get my shoes on and then judge.
If I do back in touch I will regret it immediately and for the rest of my life!!

balletshoes

I think in situations like these, you can only help and advise so far - if she's not listening and is burying her head in the sand, well thats it, she's not going to act on any advice you give her, no matter how often you tell her.

She's going to have her lightbulb moment one day, when all other avenues of getting money/credit have dried up. It might mean bankruptcy - but if thats what it takes, thats what it takes. She's an adult, her lack of financial sense is her issue, you can't take responsibility for it otherwise it will never get any better.

BitterAndTwisted

She's been bailed out of the !!!!!! by you once before and then you go on to lend her another £10k?

I think you should write off that £10k in your mind and resolve to never lend her another penny. Let her tackle or ruin her own finances on her own. The chickens will come home to roost eventually and I'd want to be as far away as humanly possible. Some people cannot be helped because they are unable or unwilling to help themselves. Bailing them out just reinforces the helplessness.

frustratedfamily

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

She's been bailed out of the !!!!!! by you once before and then you go on to lend her another £10k?

I think you should write off that £10k in your mind and resolve to never lend her another penny. Let her tackle or ruin her own finances on her own. The chickens will come home to roost eventually and I'd want to be as far away as humanly possible. Some people cannot be helped because they are unable or unwilling to help themselves. Bailing them out just reinforces the helplessness.

No, she owes me the £10k overall and knows that she's never getting another penny - i did however previously "write off" £2k which i "loaned" her to get a new car. (this was kinda needed at the time)

The problem with letting the chickens come home to roost is that i still live with her, i live with the fear of knowing if collectors come everything in the house of value is actually mine! I can't move out at the moment (lack of money ironically) so ultimately i'm the one here dealing with it. I know now that bailing her out in the past has made the issue worse but hey, it's your parents what else are you supposed to do? But now it's getting to the stage where because of keeping her afloat i can't afford my own place & well, with her constant BS it's attracting phonecalls from the places she owes money to 3-4 times a day. I dragged her kicking & screaming to the CAB last year (when it turned out she'd "borrowed" some of my kid sisters birthday money on the night of her 21st party - classy) but she just doesn't listen.

Seriously i thought parents were supposed to be there to help their kids through lifes difficult times, not BE the difficult times themselves! According to my eldest sister though she's got previous for this, Dad bailed her out nearly 20 years ago, although not to the extent i don't believe that she is in now. You're right though, by the sounds of it bankruptcy might be the best thing for her, if not for her then definately for my own sanity!

whitewing

You should move out.Take everything that is yours without guilt. No one should put their children thro this (but they do). If you stay you will never be leading the life that YOU want. You can make it clear that you will help but you will not enable.

balletshoes

as far as your posessions are concerned, if they were bought and paid for by you, they are yours and bailiffs etc can't touch them. I am assuming here that you are not financially associated with your mother in any way (ie neve had any bank accounts/loans/ etc in joint names?).

Any

Surely renting is better then to live through this?

RAS

frustratedfamily wrote: »

The problem with letting the chickens come home to roost is that i still live with her, i live with the fear of knowing if collectors come everything in the house of value is actually mine! !

Debt collectors have no power at all, and are not even allowed to visit the house without permission.

Bailiffs can be a bit more of a problem if you let them in the house, but if you keep them outside, they are not.

You need to go round the house, write a list of everything you own in each room and wirite it out. Then do a Statutory Declaration which means that bailiffs cannot remove anything you own. It cost £5-10 to get this witnessed by a solicitor and sounds like it will be worth t for the peace of mind.

frustratedfamily wrote: »

I can't move out at the moment (lack of money ironically) so ultimately i'm the one here dealing with it.

Stop dealing with it. get a mobile and stop answering the land line.

frustratedfamily wrote: »

I know now that bailing her out in the past has made the issue worse but hey, it's your parents what else are you supposed to do? But now it's getting to the stage where because of keeping her afloat i can't afford my own place & well, with her constant BS it's attracting phonecalls from the places she owes money to 3-4 times a day.

Make sure the Council tax, water rates and utilities are paid - deduct that from your "keep". Buy your own food and let her stew. She can go hungry.

Stop dealing with it.

frustratedfamily wrote: »

You're right though, by the sounds of it bankruptcy might be the best thing for her, if not for her then definately for my own sanity!

it is not your business - let her deal with it.

Sit her down, tell her you are not helping out ever again and she needs to deal with the debt. Then leave it alone.

HeidiHi

I sympathise but would like to add that I find it very hard to get any sense out of my older relations. As soon as you try to pin them down to specific details the story changes. It drives me spare.

Could you pay some of your housekeeping and rent directly to a debtor or utility provider instead of to your Mum?

What about ding her PPI claim for her.

It's relatively quick and painless to start the ball rolling.

Tygermoth

HeidiHi wrote: »

I sympathise but would like to add that I find it very hard to get any sense out of my older relations. As soon as you try to pin them down to specific details the story changes. It drives me spare.

Could you pay some of your housekeeping and rent directly to a debtor or utility provider instead of to your Mum?

What about ding her PPI claim for her.

It's relatively quick and painless to start the ball rolling.

Doing donkey work like doing bank charges or ppi claims is walking a dangerous path, trust me ... been there and bought the teeshirt in a case just like the OP where the person was avoiding the issue.
They suddenly see you as a sap who they can off load all the issues..


Mine escalated from sorting bank charges to help out, then ppi ... then they had an issue with the insurance... and could I have quick look at this bill because i know about this type of stuff.....then council tax problems, car finance.... one day I woke up and realised I was an unpaid financial accountant/PA/admin assistant working DAMN hard..letter here...letters there....phone calls.. emails...


They were literally swanning about happy as Larry while I was struggling under the weight of their !!!!lessness


It was a slow insidious creep so I didn’t realise until I was in too deep.


And by god it’s suddenly all YOUR fault things are bad when you hand it all back. Oh yes, it wasn’t that bad before... until you interfered.....they will tell all and sundry.


I naturally like to help and have done this twice, once for family once for a neighbour and both ended up the same.



No thanks and no appreciation.