Residential/respite care help please

Madmel

I have searched on here but can't find anything relevant to our situation.

Basically DH & I jointly own his mother's apartment, which is in an over 55s development with a manager and residents' lounge. MiL (86) has lived there for 9 years and been very happy. Yesterday I received a call from Careline to say that she had called them because she was stuck in the bathroom, unable to get up because her arm had gone numb. Paramedics took her into the hospital. DH went to see her last night and I went this afternoon. She has been x-rayed and had various other tests. Her arm has a little more movement today and she is largely pain-free and in good spirits. However we and the medics are concerned that she cannot make herself a drink, open a tin of food or even get up unaided, and it looks as if she will need some sort of residential care in the short-term at least.

She is fiercely stubborn and lives alone, albeit with help from us for shopping and a cleaner who does washing and other jobs for her once a week. DH works long hours and I work part-time. Our house is totally unsuitable for her to stay in as we have steep stairs which she just could not manage 2 Christmases ago, and no bathroom downstairs.

Her only assets are her state pension and a very small private one. We are concerned about how we and she would fund residential care, but online advice is very confusing. If anyone has any pearls of wisdom or advice, I would be very grateful, or if you could point me in the direction of impartial advice online, that would be great. Sorry this is so long, but I wanted to give as many details as possible to get the best advice.

puddy

i dont have a lot of knowledge about this sort of thing but it would seem that you have a lot of flexibility to play with. assuming you dont mind owning a different type of property for her, could you initially arrange for a 'help' to come in short term to do the cleaning, cooking washing thing (ok not washing if she really doesnt want that)

meanwhile she will be having OT and physio one would hope and will either regain movement and strength in her arm or will start to adapt to cope with it as it is. sounds like some sort of stroke

then whilst this is all happening, sell the property and buy a similar retirement place but one with more of an input, someone who can come and do cleaning etc.

if she is as fiercely independent as you say, she will push herself with regard to either relearning to use it again or will adapt and that can only be a positive thing

puddy

ive just seen that she's 86, moving her is not a good idea then. what does she think about respite for a short time?

onetomany

how about getting a home carer in? im a home carer and you can get them to come in on a short term basis pm if u have any questions x

Madmel

Puddy: She has always been completely against it because 30+ years ago in another country, her own mother went into a home and died within a few weeks. I'm 99% sure her mother would have died anyway (she was in her 80s in failing health) but MiL won't hear of it.

To clarify, she lives in sheltered housing already, a Pegasus place similar to McCarthy & Stone. However, she has to sort her own meals and personal care, and at present she can't do either.

The tests are to see whether or not she has had a small stroke or whether it's arthritis. We should know more in the next couple of days - DH has just gone off to visit her again.

Madmel

onetomany: Thanks for this, I'll speak to DH when he returns from visiting her and we'll PM you later. xx

Errata

Is there any reason why MIL couldn't have care workers popping in several times a day to help with getting up washed and dressed, help getting ready for bed, personal care and meals?

Madmel

Errata: As far as I am concerned, no, but she is quite suspicious of *different* people. The only reason she accepted the cleaner is that her kids were in the same class as mine and mine had been to various of their birthday parties! The exception to her suspicion is anyone connected with the medical profession; MiL thinks everything they say is gospel...!

Elle7

Could you speak to Social Services?

They've offered me someone to come round three times a day to cook, and twice to help me dress/undress, and promised it'd be the same person. For the first few times you could try and be there, for reassurance?

That way she'll get to stay in her familiar flat, but she'll be helped.

I hope she's better soon!

Errata

Madmel wrote: »

Errata: As far as I am concerned, no, but she is quite suspicious of *different* people. The only reason she accepted the cleaner is that her kids were in the same class as mine and mine had been to various of their birthday parties! The exception to her suspicion is anyone connected with the medical profession; MiL thinks everything they say is gospel...!

Coax her GP into telling her she needs home carers. Job done!
Seriously, she should be assessed before she's discharged from hospital and part of that should be whether or not she needs home carers.
I can understand her reluctance, and have some sympthy with it, but it's really just older people's version of kids saying 'nooooo I don't like it' when faced with food they haven't tried before.

Madmel

lol at the last comment, that sums her up perfectly.

Some great ideas above, many thanks. However, nobody has yet mentioned money. Do SS pay for carers give MiL has very little money (was on Income Support when DH last divulged any info to me)? How much does it cost for personal care like this?

Again, thanks in advance