Help and Advice needed for a friend

mithuthecat

Posting this on behalf of a good friend who needs help and advice of a situation he has found himself in.Right here goes and could be a long story this.
My friend has a on/off girlfriend,meaning family not happy due to age etc and her having a criminal record etc as well as other problems, all will be told later.Any way they broke up in the middle of April this year and after a big argument went there seperate ways, at the start of June he had a phone call from her that was made from a prison saying she had been convicted of shoplifting and was serving a sentace of 12 weeks,bit of a shock to him that was but he accepted what had happened.Anyway she was released on 19 July and and the following day she tried to contact him by phone,he saw her name come up and he ignored it, anyway she sent him a text from another phone saying that whilst she was in prision she had a pregnancy test,worked all the dates out and it worked out that it was from the last time that they had slept together,as you can imagine he was shellshocked,anyway they met up and after a long discussion and for the sake of the baby give the relationship another go.So far so good,but this is when it all goes wrong,they were seeing each other on a regular basis not every night and all seems ok until Wednesday when he gets a call from the family support officer at a local prision to say his girlfriend had been sent down again for shoplifting and breach of a order of something to do with drugs. It seems that she has a history of shoplifting because of a crack cocaine habit.As you can imagine this has hit him hard as he had idea about any of this.Any way he was asked to go and visit her and bearing in mind the fact she was pregnant with his child he decided to go.Anyway he went to see her yesterday and she admitted to him what had happened and to cut a long story short wants on her release to start a new life with him and the baby,wants to move away from the people who have affected her life,in fact she has said she wants to start her life afresh with my friend and said to him that he must try and help her,so where does he start and who does he contact regarding help with the drug problem,finding a place for her to live,what she is entitled to etc etc,and he like myself have not got a clue.She is due to be released on 30 Sept and he is visiting her next Sunday,yes some of you may tell him to walk away,but i have seen them together and they make a ideal couple, and i think she deserves a second chance and if it can all be sorted i think they can be happy together.So your thoughts and ideas on this subject please

kazwookie

DNA test as soon as possible.

mithuthecat

Can a DNA test be done on a unborn child,he has been told that the baby id due end dec start of jan which ties in with the last time they slept together

richardw

Was she sleeping with anyone else at the same time? even when high on the coca?

Mojisola

mithuthecat wrote: »

Can a DNA test be done on a unborn child,he has been told that the baby id due end dec start of jan which ties in with the last time they slept together

No, he'll have to wait until the baby is born.

DNA tests are expensive so he'll need to start saving.

If he wants to help her, good for him but how will he feel if the baby isn't his?

He needs to think through how many second chances he will give her if she goes back to using or stealing? If the baby is his and she starts using again, will he be able to become a full-time Dad because a child shouldn't be left in an unsafe situation with a drug-using mother?

Savvy_Sue

To be honest, while getting pregnant can be a huge wakeup call, the fact that she got a second prison sentence so soon after the first doesn't bode particularly well.

And she needs to want to be free of the drugs for herself, not so that she can keep the baby. 'Demanding' that someone else helps her would ring loud alarm bells for me, even though he may be 'ideal' in many ways.

There are a few (very few) drug treatment centres which will take pregnant women and their babies, and IMO the best thing she could do would be to go to one of those on discharge. However, the one I know best would want to be sure the father was safe and a good influence before establishing contact, so his life will be under intense scrutiny. Actually, his life will be under intense scrutiny anyway, because it's likely Social Services will be made aware of the pregnancy and will be considering what to do when the child is born.

but it's not really up to him to sort this out: the prison authorities should be able to find out about rehab etc, and establish whether she is willing / wanting to go. The first piece of work would I think be establishing whether she wants to maintain the relationship with your friend in order to enable her to continue with the crack etc without losing the baby.

Whereabouts in the country is your friend?

mithuthecat

Well I spoke to my friend last night regarding him and his girlfriend and this is what he has said to me regarding what has been quoted so far.
Yes he accepts that he has one huge problem on his hands but he is determined to see this through for one his girlfriend and secondly for his baby which she is carrying.
Firstly she has offered to undergo DNA testing when the child is born to prove that the child is his and she offered this without him asking,when he visited her in prison last week she told him that she needs to turn her life around and walk away from all the bad aspects of her life meaning the shoplifting and the drugs,that is why she needs to move away from the area in which she lives so the temptation from her friends to resume again from where she left of is gone.By the way she lives in Coventry but her boyfriend lives outside of the Coventry Area. Whilst she is 27 years old he is a bit older and has a good job and is pretty level headed and I myself think from what he has said to me that given the opportunity if all works out he would most probably marry her if the chance arose, but he accepts that the current situation will be a challange to both of them,I myself hope he sorts this all out for the both of them as from what I gather she is a nice person who has been led astray

flutterby_lil

I hope it works out for your friend.

Jeremy Kyle does free DNA testing i believe.

mithuthecat

Jeremy Kyle is well thats not constructive is it, we here are talking about 2 people and a unborn child and this is real life not a tv show

Savvy_Sue

Where in the country is he? Feel free to PM me if you don't want to put it in the thread.

What is really tricky is that I think she's barely got time between release and expected birth date to do the full residential detox / rehab, even supposing she could get into a programme straight from prison (because not all of them will take pregnant women). HOPEFULLY she can start some work in prison, but if you're in for a short sentence you can't always access whatever is available.

They've both got a lot of work to do. If she can't get into a residential programme, but can move in with him straight away, and she (and he) can access support in the community, then it might just work. Especially if it is more a case of being led astray - but it's often more complex than that!

antrobus

Mojisola wrote: »

DNA tests are expensive so he'll need to start saving.

Boot sell a DNA paternity testing kit for £30.65. Is that expensive?
Getting an accredited test (i.e. one that will stand up in court) might be pricier. The CSA charge £252 for the works.