How to get over someone - after 3 years!

alyth

I'll try and keep this brief but I'm getting desperate. Ex and I split up 3 years ago after 15 years, he had an affair but I didn't find out until about 4 months afterwards, he's still with her, they have a 2 year old child together and she moved into the house we had together - they're getting married in 2 weeks.

I was at work today, in a supermarket, and I looked up from my till and saw him and the baby - and I totally panicked, I almost fainted, thankfully my friend saw me and I got dragged off the till, had a massive panic attack that took me an hour to calm down from, now I'm at home but feeling a bit shaky and sore.

Do you ever get over something like that? The pain truly never goes away - it's not love as I'm not sure I ever loved him, we had a good and comfortable life together, but it was more a parent/child relationship in some ways. I've tried everything - I've travelled abroad, I'm now at uni, passing my exams and doing okay, I've tried a little bit of dating but actually like being on my own. I've been having horrific nightmares all week about him, almost as if I knew something was going to happen today.

I'm going to go to the doctors next week to deal with the panic attacks, I was on mild antidepressants at the beginning of the year as I tend to panic over silly things, like the dog being ill. But it's the more getting over the relationship - I sure as hell don't want him back, I love my life the way it is, but some reason I just can't totally move on.

Anyone been in this situation that can offer experiences?

sunshine_1988

Hello there

I do feel for you. I havent been in your exact situation at all, but here is mine. I went out with a guy about 4 years ago now, for about 6 months or so. He was a bit of a bad boy, as in he liked to play the field and do the old treat them mean to keep them keen kind of thing, and looking back I suppose that was a bit of the attraction, embarassing now
Anyway, we didnt really stay in touch, I occasionally see him when I am in town out with my friends or on my lunch break at work. Whenever I see him I get such a funny feeling, no attraction or anything like that, but I do go a little embarrased and wonder what to say. I dont really know how to explain it tbh. I have no feelings for him at all and I am pregnant with my fiancee at the moment.
I wonder if it is just the fact that he once had such a strong hold on my heart, I will always feel a bit funny when I see him.

Your situation seems a lot more intense than mine, and clearly you were with him for a long time and he hurt you back then by straying. I wonder if you have never properly got over him and maybe you need to clear the air....is he the type of guy you could talk to? Maybe you need an explanation for the affair?

Definately see the doc about the panic attacks, but I think you need to deal with the break up...once and for all

I hope you get on ok, as I say, I really do feel for you xxxx

BitterAndTwisted

alyth wrote: »

It's not love as I'm not sure I ever loved him.

I've tried a little bit of dating but actually like being on my own.

I sure as hell don't want him back, I love my life the way it is.

You've had a nasty surprise which has made you wobble a bit. This is entirely understandable and it will pass.

Concentrate on the reasons you are glad that that part of your life is over.

Things will improve and you will feel better about how your life has changed: you just need a little time to get over the shock of seeing him, that's all.

make_me_wise

alyth wrote: »

I'll try and keep this brief but I'm getting desperate. Ex and I split up 3 years ago after 15 years, he had an affair but I didn't find out until about 4 months afterwards, he's still with her, they have a 2 year old child together and she moved into the house we had together - they're getting married in 2 weeks.

I was at work today, in a supermarket, and I looked up from my till and saw him and the baby - and I totally panicked, I almost fainted, thankfully my friend saw me and I got dragged off the till, had a massive panic attack that took me an hour to calm down from, now I'm at home but feeling a bit shaky and sore.

Do you ever get over something like that? The pain truly never goes away - it's not love as I'm not sure I ever loved him, we had a good and comfortable life together, but it was more a parent/child relationship in some ways. I've tried everything - I've travelled abroad, I'm now at uni, passing my exams and doing okay, I've tried a little bit of dating but actually like being on my own. I've been having horrific nightmares all week about him, almost as if I knew something was going to happen today.

I'm going to go to the doctors next week to deal with the panic attacks, I was on mild antidepressants at the beginning of the year as I tend to panic over silly things, like the dog being ill. But it's the more getting over the relationship - I sure as hell don't want him back, I love my life the way it is, but some reason I just can't totally move on.

Anyone been in this situation that can offer experiences?

I think your reaction was normal. This is a person who you loved and trusted and spent 15 years of your life with. To suddenly see him, with a child, would have understandably shaken you.

Did you have any counselling when you two first parted? Or have you tried by yourself to face up to and work through all your emotions linked to the way you split. A friend of mine said she struggled with this terribly. It was like her mind would only let her think about things so far and then she would go numb. Almost like a protective mechanism. She suffered from panic attacks alot.

She is 5 years down the road now and feels so much better about things. 3 years post divorce is still early days and it could take much longer for you to feel back to your old self.

go_cat

You have taken control of your life and moved on doing what you want to do... you even say it wasn't love .

The only thing that hs thrown you was the fact you were not expecting to see him and were not in control of the situation.

The next time you see him won't be such a shock

its never nice seeing an ex especially when they have a new family with someone else but you will get over this blip

alyth

Thank you all for your helpful responses. I've had two lots of counselling, but i don't like opening up in that way - perhaps I should look into that again.

I truly did not expect to look up from my till and see him - thankfully I didn't have a customer, it was horrific the way my whole body went into shock, when I have a panic attack and I don't know if this is normal, my hands go all tingly, so even now it's a little painful to type. It's been over two years since I last saw him so I guess my reaction was perhaps normal.

Thank you again - I'm off to try and get some rest now.