How to handle this?

Blue_Monkey

I had a 1:1 with my manager by telephone on Friday evening and was in tears 15 minutes into the call. I am pregnant at the moment, so I do think hormones have played a part in me not being able to get a grip on it, but I felt really wobbly all weekend and still well-up thinking about it now.

She said “I feel that you are the ‘difficult’ one on the team and that if anyone will disagree with something, it will be you. I find you challenging and you’ve got a bad attitude”. I was so shocked that I couldn’t say anything and just burst into tears.

I’ve looked back over the email exchanges that my manager referred to and whilst I didn’t always agree with the content, I was never rude, always just provided my comments and feedback as requested. I know I can be feisty but this has never been brought up before (I’ve been on this team for 3.5 years) and in all honesty I think it’s because my boss is under the kosh at the moment and she decided to get spiteful.

At the moment I’m currently working partly for another team and deal with them more closely on a day-to-day basis. We’ve just had our Q1 performance ratings back and my boss asked my surrogate team’s manager for feedback. He said he’s been thrilled with my contribution, I’m a real team-player and would give me a 4 out of 5 (barely anyone ever gets a 5!) for my rating. She told me this towards the end of the call and said “So what you actually do in your job is great, it’s just your attitude towards the team that sucks, so you need to learn to choose your battles”.

I actually feel that because I’ve not been providing the feedback she wanted on certain items, she got spiteful. The others on the team are scared of her and so it is quite often me who comments on something or disagrees (the others generally say that they agree with me once I’ve said it!). My official rating does go down as a 4/5, and her comments about my attitude aren’t even recorded in the system, so I wonder if she actually just wanted to be !!!!!y ‘off the record’. She’d been in a bad mood all week and it’s common for her to lash-out when she’s like this and I think I bore the brunt of it (my 1:1 was the first one of all our team).

Anyway.............. Now that my hormones have settled down, I’m wondering what to do (if anything). I’m tempted to put together an email saying that I was really upset by the call and have had a chance to look back at the correspondence she refers to and that I’m baffled that my contribution has been received as difficult or full of bad attitude. She’s ruined another colleague’s reputation in minutes (see Boss from Hell / Poor Colleague thread!) and I do feel vulnerable that she’s doing the same to mine. I’ve spent all weekend so upset on different levels (wondering if she’s right and whether I do actually come across as difficult or if I’m not a team-player, upset that she’s planted that as a seed and dented my confidence because she out to deliberately upset me, knowing it was late on a Friday evening (I’m in Australia), upset that she tried to pick holes in situations that we’ve discussed and agreed on in the past, upset that this has come out of the blue, etc etc).

Thing is, I don’t want this to go on and on and become bigger than it needs to be, but I really felt like I didn’t get a chance on the call to fight my corner (because I was crying and could barely talk).

I also feel she’s put me in the position where if I disagree with what she’s said, I will fall into her palm and look like the difficult/argumentative person she’s got me down as.... I think she’s been quite clever to not include it in my official review documents, as it means that if I argue it, it might become more official and could open a big can or worms...

Also, FWIW, this has taught me to choose my battles carefully. I guess I’m still relatively early on in my career (5-6 years in) and this episode has really shown me that when someone asks for feedback or review or comments, they don’t always mean it!!

What should I do? Let it lie or make it known (in writing) that I was deeply upset by the call and explain my viewpoint of why I’m so upset? I don’t know if its worth ‘fighting’ back – she’s just not a reasonable woman and I don’t know what it will really achieve.

Should I just keep my head down for the next 3.5 months until I go on maternity leave?

Blue_Monkey

Wow - thanks!

I have to say, I'm quaking in my boots at the thought of actually sending something like this, but it does sound very good.

But I'm still wondering if it's worth doing anything? Given that she hasn't documented my "bad attitude" on anything formally, I'm a little apprehensive to raise it and then it will become documented (if that makes sense)!

Other manager is great, (and an HR Director, funnily enough I work in a specialism of HR) and we get on really well, but I almost think he won't want to get involved...........

Thanks for taking the time to write that out

Tigsteroonie

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

I know I can be feisty but this has never been brought up before (I’ve been on this team for 3.5 years) and in all honesty I think it’s because my boss is under the kosh at the moment and she decided to get spiteful.

My official rating does go down as a 4/5, and her comments about my attitude aren’t even recorded in the system, so I wonder if she actually just wanted to be !!!!!y ‘off the record’. She’d been in a bad mood all week and it’s common for her to lash-out when she’s like this and I think I bore the brunt of it (my 1:1 was the first one of all our team).

Thing is, I don’t want this to go on and on and become bigger than it needs to be, but I really felt like I didn’t get a chance on the call to fight my corner (because I was crying and could barely talk).

Should I just keep my head down for the next 3.5 months until I go on maternity leave?

I'm normally a feisty person but would say that "keeping your head down" might be the better plan given your plans. What she said isn't going on the record but, if you escalate the situation, she could decide that the resultant exchange does go on the record - and being the manager, she gets to write that record (not you).

I'm not advising you to change completely and become one of her puppet; just that it's probably not worth revisiting this battle.

(Learnt through 20+ years of work in large corporate environments!)

heretolearn_2

Just a few thoughts from me - I know I was difficult to manage at times and was never a good 'yes man'. But I'm now a boss and can see the other side.

Can I ask you, what happens next after you disagree with something and the boss comes back and still says 'nope, my idea/way?' Do you back down and put your full support behind it? Do you keep trying to persuade your boss to your way of thinking? Do you go along with it but in a less than enthusiastic way/critical way?

I'm asking as I was rather like that when I simply couldn't understand the decision being made when what I was saying was so logical and obvious. It used to be a huge frustration to me and quite annoying for my bosses (although they were pretty patient about it). It's only since I've now got to that level myself I understand that sometimes you can't give the team the full info/picture, and there may be factors affecting what is going on that can't be shared with them. I've also got someone now who will keep coming back on it, asking 'but why?' and I understand her feelings, but sometimes all I can say is 'because that's the decision we have to go with right now'.

Emmzi

ask her to tell you immediately after any exchanges or meetings where she would like you to be more supportive, and explain what the impact was.

it is entirely possible she is right and you need to give her a chance to show you that.

Giving negative feedback is never easy and she may have done this because she believes you do come across as negative and genuinely wants to help you in your career. Whereas your reaction is full of justification and no acknowledgement that you may do better by changing.

Reflect on it. and think about changing.

Blue_Monkey

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

please tell me SHE's not in HR :eek:

She is. But we're in a funny part of HR that doesn't really extend to normal HR stuff...

Tigsteroonie wrote: »

I'm normally a feisty person but would say that "keeping your head down" might be the better plan given your plans. What she said isn't going on the record but, if you escalate the situation, she could decide that the resultant exchange does go on the record - and being the manager, she gets to write that record (not you).

I'm not advising you to change completely and become one of her puppet; just that it's probably not worth revisiting this battle.

(Learnt through 20+ years of work in large corporate environments!)

Thanks, this is what I'm thinking too. I know she knows this and this is why she's done it in the way she has and it really riles me! As I say, I think she's under the kosh (she scored horribly low in the "manager" section of our latest employee engagement survey) and I'm kind of hoping she won't be around once I'm back from maternity leave . I'm just mortified that she might ruin what I consider to be a good reputation in the meantime.

heretolearn wrote: »

Just a few thoughts from me - I know I was difficult to manage at times and was never a good 'yes man'. But I'm now a boss and can see the other side.

Can I ask you, what happens next after you disagree with something and the boss comes back and still says 'nope, my idea/way?' Do you back down and put your full support behind it? Do you keep trying to persuade your boss to your way of thinking? Do you go along with it but in a less than enthusiastic way/critical way?

I'm asking as I was rather like that when I simply couldn't understand the decision being made when what I was saying was so logical and obvious. It used to be a huge frustration to me and quite annoying for my bosses (although they were pretty patient about it). It's only since I've now got to that level myself I understand that sometimes you can't give the team the full info/picture, and there may be factors affecting what is going on that can't be shared with them. I've also got someone now who will keep coming back on it, asking 'but why?' and I understand her feelings, but sometimes all I can say is 'because that's the decision we have to go with right now'.

Thanks for this, its interesting to hear. You sound like a good manager! It's more that she doesn't have an understanding (she's sooooo hands-off) of our processes that when they are reviewed, the new process doesn't make sense, so I'll try and talk through why I think that. I'll put my point across and then quite often just have to drop it. I honestly think that part of that is because she just wouldn't know how to argue back as she doesn't know herself.

A couple of weeks ago we were on our weekly team call and she criticised the way another team member had done something (she also picks on this other colleague and has verged on racism with her) and I tried to provide an explanation of why it was done in a certain way (felt I had to stick up for my colleague who is not feisty and actually !!!!!!-scared of our manager). The response was "Blue Monkey, this was not a discussion point, conversation over".

I dunno, I think since I wrote the original post I've decided to just keep my head down and ride it out. I don't want to spend the next few months dragging stuff up. She makes a hobby out of being a b!tch and I just don't think I want to go up against her in this capacity. I will discuss it with the other manager just so that he's aware (he can't stand her either). I've got so much going on at the moment (baby, moving back to the UK in 3 weeks from Australia etc) that whilst the right thing to do is to fight her, the best thing to do for me right now is to let it wash over me.

Blue_Monkey

Emmzi wrote: »

ask her to tell you immediately after any exchanges or meetings where she would like you to be more supportive, and explain what the impact was.

it is entirely possible she is right and you need to give her a chance to show you that.

Giving negative feedback is never easy and she may have done this because she believes you do come across as negative and genuinely wants to help you in your career. Whereas your reaction is full of justification and no acknowledgement that you may do better by changing.

Reflect on it. and think about changing.

Thanks - I have considered this too. I might be feisty and tenacious but I'm not arrogant (I hope!) and am more than happy to be told when I'm wrong. You know, if she'd said "I really value your input, but I think your feistiness comes across as being prohibitive or difficult, so it would be great if we could work to resolve this" I would be fine. And in fact, it has made me think about whether I am too feisty, but it's also shot my confidence to pieces and I know feel that I'm not sure whether I come across like this all the time with everyone, and also that I now feel totally repressed in that even if I slightly disagree that I couldn't ever say anything (which again, I think is what she wants).

I will take this with me to my next job though!

Emmzi

it is entirely possible her heart is in the right place but her feedback skills are rubbish. very common, my last place I had to write a course on giving feedback because so many of the managers were rubbish at it!

I'd have a look at parent-adult-child conversation dynamics. from what you have said I'd put a tenner on you talking like "judgemental parent" and if you say the same thing as "adult" you'll get a better result. google 2transactional analysis".

Fresh_Beginnings

Hi

I was just reading your post and I have been in an extremely similiar position recently and although it goes against my better nature I think the best thing is to keep your head down.

Very briefly I was also working for what i considered to be a bully - I had worked there for 13 years, loved my job, helped set up the operation and wasd always keen to be involved...but a bit like you I didn/t always agree with the manager and would be the one to speak and probably say what everyone else was thinking. One day the Manager was shouting at me about what he didn/t like about me and I phoned HR - they came up (met with him first) and we had a meeting . it all went ok but then I got a letter which although it said I was too emotional which I accepted also had some untruths in it. I decided to do nothing about it and try to rebuild a relationship with my boss - unfortunately one month later redundancies were announced and everyone had to reapply for jobs and I didn/t get one :-(

Basically people with far less experience were promoted over me - my confidence was shattered. It has helped to receive so many messages both from colleagues and other people who work for the company who I have had interaction with in my career who cannot believe what has happened. Obviously I am only guessing but I think after I spoke to HR he was spoken to about his attitude as they are aware he has upset other staff as well.

Anyway what I am trying to say is that you never know what is around the corner so maybe it is better just to keep your head down and carry on.

I hope this all makes sense - sorry if its a bit long winded but its all still a bit raw with me.:(

Good Luck

getmore4less

Simple solution

At the moment I’m currently working partly for another team and deal with them more closely on a day-to-day basis. We’ve just had our Q1 performance ratings back and my boss asked my surrogate team’s manager for feedback. He said he’s been thrilled with my contribution, I’m a real team-player and would give me a 4 out of 5 (barely anyone ever gets a 5!) for my rating. She told me this towards the end of the call and said “So what you actually do in your job is great, it’s just your attitude towards the team that sucks, so you need to learn to choose your battles”.

Move groups permanently ask the new if they have any full time jobs come up can you be considered or even suggest a swap if they have someone they might like to move on.

It could be this positive feedback that has triggered the reaction from your cuurent boss.

In the mean time be come a "yes" person just make sure that when things go wrong that the boss is held resonsible.

Tigsteroonie

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

I've got so much going on at the moment (baby, moving back to the UK in 3 weeks from Australia etc) that whilst the right thing to do is to fight her, the best thing to do for me right now is to let it wash over me.

Blue, is this your first child? (Sorry, haven't checked your posts to see!) I have to say that having Andrew has definitely tempered my outlook. And what you have written above is exactly my attitude now - whilst I might not agree with things that happen around me, sometimes there is no point wasting energy fighting it for the sake of principle. I concentrate my efforts on fighting the littl'un's battles instead