Caring for 91 year mother

supersuzie50

My mother is getting so frail and giving up. She does not want to move in to a home. However it is very hard for me as I am her only relative. Today all she talked about is how horrible the world is, she has no friends, she has no relatives. She moans constantly and is always stating her son was so wonderful but he has been dead 6 years now. She has to put up with her daughter. She is living in a sheltered housing complex but it is awful. The warden does nothing. One old lady has vanished. Another old lady is refusing to answer the door. The warden has even stopped the other ladies from visiting her. I though I would take mother away but she does not want to go. It is the only job we have to take with no training. I am so depressed and tired - why I do not know? Ageing is awful and scary. Do I make her move somewhere where she will get more help?

Oldernotwiser

supersuzie50 wrote: »

My mother is getting so frail and giving up. She does not want to move in to a home. However it is very hard for me as I am her only relative. Today all she talked about is how horrible the world is, she has no friends, she has no relatives. She moans constantly and is always stating her son was so wonderful but he has been dead 6 years now. She has to put up with her daughter. She is living in a sheltered housing complex but it is awful. The warden does nothing. One old lady has vanished. Another old lady is refusing to answer the door. The warden has even stopped the other ladies from visiting her. I though I would take mother away but she does not want to go. It is the only job we have to take with no training. I am so depressed and tired - why I do not know? Ageing is awful and scary. Do I make her move somewhere where she will get more help?

Rather like parenting then!

Seriously, if you're depressed, go and see your doctor and, in addition, look after yourself. Caring for someone can be emotionally draining and you need to be at your best to be able to cope.

Savvy_Sue

If she's in sheltered housing and you have complaints about the warden, then you need to get in touch with the Housing Association or council or landlord who operates the block.

However, if life is so awful with 'just' a daughter to care for her, ask if you should stop visiting and caring.

I certainly wouldn't move her in with you, it wouldn't make either of you happy ...

margaretd

You have all my sympathy! I care for my mother who is nearly 93. Up until last year she was fine, not very mobile but OK. However since she had a slight setback in February and I was going on holiday, I paid for her to stay a fortnight in a very nice nursing home so that I had peace of mind. Even though she had a nice time she has undergone a personality change, saying I want her to go into a home permanently, which is not true as I have been looking after her and my father, until he died, for the past 15 years! She can be so nasty and feeling sorry for herself even though she has lots of visitors. Sometimes I am at my wits end and dread going because of the things she says. I've asked her doctor but there doesn't seem to be anything medically wrong. Has anyone else encountered this? I don't mind caring for her as long as she is reasonable but its so hard when she is abusive!

cord123

My nan is exactly the same to my mum! My mum has 2 brothers and one sister.... one brother lives in america and hasnt spoken to my nan for over 20 years, and the other my uncle and auntie live 1 and 3 hours away respectively, my mum lives about half hour away.

She was recently diagnosed with cancer which is quite rare. My mum has gone to every chemo session with her and to hospital in london with her when she had to have her operation. My mum asked if my auntie could come down and stay with her when she came out of hospital as my mum couldnt afford to haev any more time off of work (as she doesnt get it paid) she told her no because her and her friends had planned a week away.... to her holiday home in devon so could have gone any time - none of them work!
My uncle refused to go to see her in hospital because it was an hour on the train (less time than it takes my mum!)

my nan still thinks that the sun shines out of my auntie and uncle and all she does is put my mum down...! It does really annoy me but my mum couldnt live with herself if she didnt help.... so hard :-(

Limana68

Hi there
I am in a similar position to you, but my 82 yr old mum lives with us:o. I am the only daughter with 3 older brothers who can do nothing wrong! 2 of them live nearby, and one lives abroad.
My mum can be moody aswell, she has early onset dementia, diabetes, arthritis and is totally unsociable, so it can be very hard and mentally exhausting sometimes especially when my hubby is disabled, and I have 2 young children too, and also work, I have to juggle my time so much and feel guilty all the time.....
Have you thought about contacting your local Adult Social Services, firstly to get a carers assessment for you, and also to get some advice and support for your Mum?
I did this when things got too much, and although my Mum refused any help, it gave me some more ideas ie carers coming in to assist me etc which I may use in the future.
Anyway just a few ideas, keep your chin up

Li

margaretclare

I sympathise and I can't suggest anything useful that will help. Sorry! I've often observed that people can lose every faculty - memory, mobility, you name it, but the one thing they have until the very end is a nasty hurtful tongue. I don't know why this should be. Maybe it's the exercise of power, when power in all other areas of their life has vanished. I agree, it is scary.

monkeyspanner

It is unfortunate but growing infirm is no fun and the relatives who they see more often get it in the neck. Relatives especially male off-spring are often seen as wonderful because the expectations of their behaviour are so low and they don't have to convey unpleasant facts.

Case of "familiarity breeds contempt" I'm afraid.

clemmatis

Yes, it does tend to be daughters who get landed with all of this. I did. I'd already had to take disability retirement though, and if I hadn't been able to get that and had just walked out -- things had got that bad at work, and there seemed no way of changing it -- she'd have given me a home and paid my living expenses till I could sort something out. And she'd helped me out before.

So when she had a fall, of course I became her carer.

However, she was extremely demanding of me in a way that she never was with my brother, she would not have carers in when I needed to go away -- and I ended up losing tens of thousands of pounds because of that --, and she did complain about an awful lot of things an awful lot of the time... (really, I think that was undiagnosed depression, some of which may also have been caused by a thyroid problem she'd probably had for at least two years before it was diagnosed). She also had dementia that doctors failed to diagnose till very late..., really they (hospital doctors) were culpably negligent, they even told me she didn't have it, I first saw an actual "diagnosis" of it on her death certificate. Older people are so badly let down.

(Her complaining lessened dramatically, and her depression eased, when the thyroid medication kicked in, when they found the right level of it for her, that is.)

supersuzie, I don't know what's best for you to do. But do see your doctor. And would carersuk be any use? Do your GPs have a carers' champion?

Old_Git

does she go to a day center .Would it help .
why does the warden tell the other ladies not to visit .

Katiehound

Oh dear, sadly this is quite a common problem. The relative who does all the work gets verbal abuse and other distant members of the family are "wonderful". My best friend is experiencing just that at the moment.

I wonder if it is possible to get your Mum assessed.
Can you get some respite care for her so that YOU can stand back and have a rest? I seem to think Saga was setting up some charity for carers not so long ago.
Above all esle you need to look after yourself