How do I get hubby to tell my the actual figure he owes?

nelly_2

The captain (Martin lewis) wrote an article about the best way to tell a partner about their secret debts. You have this situation in reverse but I think it could still be applied.

You should'nt simply blurt out "darling we owe £10 000 and I never told you about it I am sorry."

What he said to do was - Look into how you are going to deal with it first.

Have a plan with facts figures and numbers.

That way you are'nt just presenting a problem, but a problem with a solution too.

Anyway you can show him how you dealt with your debts etc. Show him this article

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> click in fact show every one that article.

Show him this thread too the written word sometimes hits home harder than the spoken one................ good luck

webitha

i dont think that there is anything you can do at the mo you cant help anyone until they want help if that makes sense (it does to me)
why dont you put yor ebay etc money into a saving acc that way when he finally decides to ask for help you will have a chunk of it with a bit of interest

tiff

I'm not sure I could tolerate such a big "secret" in our relationship. You know he has debts but not how much, it could be a horrendous amount but its the fact he's not prepared to share the info with you. It would be ultimatum time for me as I cant be part of a marriage where the finance is a secret.

jas135

it is definitly a male thing , i was the same !! Until my OH was refused a bank account in our joint name . I cried with shame that i never told her and then went through all the money that was owed .
Together we cleared up CCjs before the deadlines and paid off loans that were in my name .
It is about communication and i guess the best way to approach your OH is to say whatever amount it is , that it dosnet really matter ,( If he isnt telling you , my guess is that it is bad .... sorry ) , you will get through it together no matter what .
Trust me ( as a male ) he will feel 10 times better for telling you and getting it out in the open .

Bossyboots

As I don't know the people concerned here, I can only tell you my friend's experience. It may or may not be relevant but from my own point of view I don't think I could stay with someone who was capable of keeping something so important from me.

My friend's husband ran up debts. In his case it was because he was spending on his lady friends so of course he didn't want the wife to see the statements. However, she and her children resorted to intercepting as much post as they could so she could try to piece it all together.

When she finally confronted him, after months of him denying there were any debts (despite the telephone calls from people chasing them) he did eventually admit it. They took out a loan from one of these companies you see on the television and cleared all the debts. Three years later and they are back to square one except now they also have to find the money to make the payments on the high interest loan. At the moment she is refusing to give him any money from her wages towards his debts although she did always give in in the past so I expect she will bail him out again.

I would therefore not give your partner any money towards his debt until he tells you how much it is, takes steps not to increase it any further and gets rid of the cards the debts are on. Ultimately this affects you as much as him. My friend came within a hair's breadth of repossession proceedings as it turned out her OH was not actually paying the mortgage either. They are now looking at downsizing and moving to a cheaper area sp they are not saddled with these debts for the rest of their active lives although I believe her OH will simply rack up debts again.

Morglin

I don't think it's always a "male" thing - apparantly a third of all couples don't share debt problems.

I think that being over-extended is seen as "failing" by the over-extended person, and they become ashamed of the mess they're in.

And, the longer it goes on, and the deeper the debt, then the worse it all becomes.

I've been there.

I had a really good job and could pay them all - then I became disabled, and my income was slashed.

Unhappily, I didn't "slash" my lifestyle to match.

Debt and secrecy helped bust up my first marriage - and I've learnt a hard lesson - in my second marriage, and the finances are done daily on the computer, and everything is shared and known about.

We both know that I am murder with money - first hint of something I want (usually from over-priced shops), and I cannot resist, and he is the opposite, so I let him take control.

And it's great - for the first time in years, I can have (more or less) what I want, and I don't dread the letterbox or phone.

I now owe no one anything, after many years of worry.

Lin

mummymoments

Hi everyone - thanks for your kind words. Our second baby is due 30th March 2007 and I sympathise with all who are pregnant at mo.

OK time for an update - I have showed him this site and told him about articles on it on several occassions - hes knows I'm addicted to it and without it I would never have almost cleared off my debts (all in the space of just three months so I owe you guys almost everything - thanks so much) but it dos'nt seem to make a difference with him. I have also printed off various articles from the site (including the balance transfer one but he says that he get better rates when he gets a second (he has just had 15 days off for Xmas so not sure what he clased this as!)

I have also suggested that I take over the finances but since I gave up work to look after our three year old he thinks I'm not capable of such a thing and its his job as the wage earner to decide where the money should be spent!!

With regard to my loan for £2k my parents have actually said not to worry about it but I do want to pay them back but feel as hubby is probably paying stupid rates of interest on his CC's that these should take a priority.

He has always been fairly secretative but I think that its got worse since I gave up work to look after our little girl and it does upset me that he feels he cannot trust and share things like this with me - but as I'm pregnant with second child at mo I can't even bear to think about giving him ultimatums as I'm scared he might just go and then I really don't know how I would manage with mortgage, bills etc and no job (or worse thats hes got another woman - although the thought has crossed my mind once or twice but then I figure that I'm the only one stupid enough to put up with him!!). I have also tried the partnership and two person team lines on him but these don't seem to wash with him.

I was going to apply for a credit report yesterday (via Quidco of course so that I got the £5) but he came into the room and insisted that I get off the computer so I am going to try and apply in the next couple of days whilst he is at work.

He always hides the statements as soon as they are received (He works shifts so is almost always here when the postlady arrives) but I have been on my hands and knees digging around to see if I can find them and have found out the following:-

Egg Card - 16.9% - £5,373.93 (although he advises me that he has now paid this off with a relocation allowance from his works)

Natwest Card - £2,192.87 - (Not sure on APR but monthly interest rate is 1.527% so if anyone can tell me that would be great) - again he tells me he will be paying this off with relocation allowance

MBNA - £1,457.08 - Monthly rate 2.0084% (again any help with APR would be grateful)

Tesco CC - 0% until March 07 - £2,310.00

As for Personal Loan I haved tried phoning for balance and length left to run but as it is not in my name they will not tell me anything.

At least its a start as I roughly know where we stand but I still wish he would open up.

Does everyone still think that I should keep the little money I make seperate until he comes clean or with debts like this and another baby on the way try and clear off as much as we can before March?

Thanks again

hypno06

Well done for finding out everything so far. I am sorry to say, but I wouldn't trust the "relocation allowace" being used for repayment. If it was that simple then he should really have nothing to hide.

I would definately keep your income separate until such time as it is all out in the open. If nothing else it can be used as a bargaining tool in due course.

Keep up the good work x

Energised

Wow, if I were married (and even more so with children) I would accept nothing less than total transparancy on issues like this, fair play to you for being able to accept it!

If it were me it would simply be a case of "Look, I love you, I don't care about what debt you're in all I want to do is make sure you're not on you're own and help you however I can".

I guess you offering to take care of it all could upset him as this is like saying "You don't know what you're doing *sigh* I'll sort it out, god you're useless".

This might sound a bit extreme on my part, but I really couldn't be with that person if they wern't willing to be open with me!

Good luck with everything .

mummymoments

SUCCESS - Well almost!

Hubby has now shown me his credit cards and said that he really wants to pay off these debts so at least this is a start. He has also promised that he shall be phoning A&L to get a statement of what is left owing and how much longer the loan runs for although has told me he thinks this is until March 2008 so we are making progress.

The best news is that he has phoned up his CC's and cleared off large balances (I was in teh room so know he has done this) using his relocation allowance so at least the debt is looking a bit better.

He has also realised that saving £230 a month is silly whilst we still have debts so has stopped these DD's and is putting this money to the CC's together with taking £2,000 from savings to pay off additional amounts on CC's.

So debt on CC's now stands at:-

Tesco CC - 0% until March 07 - £1440 (was £2,310)
MBNA CC - PAID OFF IN FULL - Was £1,457.08
NATWEST CC - PAID OFF IN FULL - Was £2,192.87
EGG CC - PAID OFF IN FULL - Was £5,373.93

I have now decided that any spare money I make will be thrown at his debts too. Everyone think this is a right decision?