How do I get hubby to tell my the actual figure he owes?

mummymoments

After feeling so great about finally paying off £5k of my £7k CC and O/D debt before Christmas (and the other £2k has been paid by a 0% loan from my parents which they have said can wait to be paid back until we are properly debt free) I am now at despair again because although my husband sort of had his LB moment when he saw that I had managed to pay off most of my debt (and I am a stay at home mum with no income apart from Ebay, Quidco, Mystery Shopping etc) he is refusing to tell me the actual amounts and rates he owes on all his credit cards and personal loan despite me saying that any money I make from now on via Ebay etc I will put to pay of his debts (I know it won't be a lot in the grand scheme of things but every little helps - hey and we are supposed to be a partnership?).

I think I know roughly what CC's he has - Natwest, MBNA, Egg, Tesco Bonus and that he has a non secured loan with A&L but am really unsure as to the balances on any of these (although I have just managed to find his Egg balance online as he almost always uses the same password and thats over £5k).

I have tried to ask him to get all the figures and rates together so that we can go into the new year with a plan to pay off as much as we can (particulary as there is no overtime currently available at his works) but so far to no avail. All he does is shout at me and tell me hes dealing with it. I have tried asking nicely, showing him how much better off per month we would be with the CC's cleared, shouting at him and telling him we need to get free as 2nd baby on way etc but nothing seems to work. I've even told him that I don't care how much debt he is in (afterall I admitted to him that I managed £7k debt in about three years).

I don't really know what to do - I really want to help him clear this debt for a better future for all of us but don't know how bigger problem we are dealing with and if I should currently use my hard earned money for his debt which he thinks are nothing to do with me or not.

I know you great people out there will be able to help me (or console me) so thanks in advance.

abbecer

Congratulations Mummymoments on getting your own finances in control. It's a difficult situation for you, he is been unfair on you as a family. How are you expected to budget for new arrival when you don't know what your outgoings are. I think i would be cruel to be kind and not help him with any of his finances until he can be honest with you.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and please have my sympathies, i had horrendous sickness so my thoughts are with you.

Rebecca x

hypno06

This must be very frustrating for you. I have an ostrich for a husband who likes to bury his head in the sand regarding the finances but he doesn't keep anything from me - just doesn't have a clue so hands it all over.

Perhaps you could take the tactic of offering to take over financial responsibility for the household, all bills, budgeting etc. Tell him that it will be without judgment and you are prepared for scary figures on his debts etc.

Other than that, perhaps pointing out that you can't stay with someone who keeps such big things from you might be a scare tactic you could use? Extreme, I know, but maybe...?

At the end of the day though, I would keep your money separate until you get him to admit things to you. Very unfair for you to be putting your hard earned cash into his unknown bottomless pit.

Good luck and I really hope things work out.

millionaire_in_training

Poor you. Not a nice situation to be in. My ex was never able to discuss finances. So long as he had money to go out nothing else mattered. Any time I wanted to discuss it he either paid lip service to the conversation or told me he didn't want to know and left me to it!! Makes it more difficult if they are not supportive. Show him this site and see if it helps him see the light-bulb. xx

Lazy_Runner

Congrats on paying off so much of your debt.

Regarding your husband, it is a tough situation.

You could make the decision that you still have debt and so it needs to be paid off, and then you will help your husband. (Just because a debt is at 0% doesn't make it any less of a debt).

If your husband wants you to use your money to pay off his debt, then he should come clean. When he does you can put all the figures into a snowball calculator and work out the best way of managing the debt payments.

immoral_angeluk

steal his statements ? lol

Smashing

I think there may be some male pride at stake here but it needs to be put aside here, for the sake of your future together.

When is your 2nd due?

mountainofdebt

I also think there's abit of injured male pride, especially of your parents have helped out so I think you have to be tactful here.

There are a number of approaches to take

You could approach it from the angle that you tell him you don't want to know the amounts if he doesn't want to tell you but you consider yourself to be part of a two person team ? Tell him that you are prepared to help clear his debts provided that he doesn't increase the debt on them and you are willing to trust him on this. If he sees/feels that you are treating him like an adult (as he may be feeling like he's been treated like a child, not saying you have been, but you know what I mean) he may be willing to open up to you.

Another is to print Martin's article on balance transfers .....give it to him and walk away - I've often found the best way to get what I want is to put the seed of an idea into hubby's head and let him take credit for it when he resuggests it a few weeks later.

Now for the devious suggestions......

Get him or apply on his behalf for his credit report (you could do this under the cover of checking yours as well for any indentity theft)

If you can get hold of the credit cards you could register for online banking.....but you get hold of the passwords etc before he gets to them.

Personally I think the first 2 are the best as could you honestly control yourself if (particularly the last one!) threw up any particularly bad news????

rkh001

Mummymomnets - well done for sorting your finances out. As for your OH, I think you are not alone in trying to get figures from him. My husband is the same. In the end I figured that I am responsible for my stuff and when my financial life is fully sorted out (could take a looooonnnngggggg time -lol!), then I MIGHT want to get involved in his, esp. as he is not prepared to tell me what his situation is.

Am I being hard on him? Maybe. But if constant discussions/arguments/shouting takes place with no results, I think it is better to leave it until you are in a stronger position to argue. That is what I have chosen to do.

Good luck.

hypno06

Yes, getting a credit report for the two of you would be a start. If you go through quidco, you get £5 cashback for signing up for your free credit report. It would certainly give you an idea.

Good luck.

kevin_M

I understand this i was the same.

For me it was the fact i was failing in something kept it all to myself etc. TBH i still do GF lets me take care of all the money. But for me it was a good thing as in the last year i have cleared 10k of my debt.

HE will open up in time and yes male pride for me was a big aspect.

The main thing is has he stoped overspending aslong as he has its all good. If not he still needs to find his lightbulb.

hope this makes sence im pre coffee this morning