How bad does it have to be before divorce ?

megahertz

Hello - newbie here - if this is long , I do apologise but need an ear ( or two ). And advice / comments welcome.

My husband and I have been married for twelve years. We had three children together and he was my everything until I discovered in 2007 that he had been lying to me regarding money, debt, bankruptcy, court summons etc
At that time, I was utterly overwhelmed at the prospect of losing my home, marriage and the kids losing their Dad that I stopped the divorce papers I had served on him. It was just about the worst time and I was left to pick up the pieces .
I ( me !!! ) arranged to go to RELATE for counselling, although the quality of service offered to us was very good, I only ever felt that my husband used it as a platform to play a smarmy repentant husband and take advantage of how vulnerable I was at the time
The sessions continued for about nine months .

Now in 2011, I do not feel we have moved on - I still do not trust him or feel he is deserving of my trust. I plead with him to discuss our marriage and the awful mess it is, but he uses avoidance tactics and just won't talk. He seems to be preoccupied, mardy and unwilling to do much. He is working still and we still have our home.

I am unhappy , dreadfully so. I managed through some of these hard times using anti depressents, but now after coming off them with help and support of GP , everything seems horribly clear and I feel I am failing myself by not acting to dissolve this.
When I discuss divorce now, his standard response is to worry about what people will say and how he will appear to be.

We are existing in different worlds. How bad does it have to get ?

Thanks xx

j.e.j.

Are the trust issues relating solely to money and debt? A lot of people do find it difficult to own up to their spouse that they have been bad with money and are in debt. Perhaps he just couldn't bring himself to tell you? (Just playing devils advocate here:))

I guess you both need to TRY and see the other's point of view. Neither side is perfect in a relationship.

escortg3

I like you tried to make my marriage work, but i was the only one trying. I was terribly unhappy as he had cheated on me several times and was abusive.

I stayed in the marriage to try and work things out because of the children. I always thought right when the kids are older i will leave.

Anyhow i couldnt take anymore when children were 15 and 16 i left. Had i have known how much my son was going to be upset i would have done it years before. Thinking that they wouldnt be so upset if they was older, was i wrong.

Anyway 6 years on and i am so happy and so are the children. I have a great partner now who i love and so do my children. My ex is the same. He has had a few relationships and has treated them all badly so remains single.

I would say if your not happy that reflects on the children. A happy mum means happy kids. Dont waste precious years unhappy, move on

LEJC

Its so difficult when the trust goes...but I guess youre reaching the point where you can see no end to it...
Would it be easy to leave?...what about your children...I guess in short the answer is if you can live a better life away from him than the one you have...then you may have reached the point to call it a day....

Big hugs...it cant be an easy time for you

Naide

You must be feeling so confused right now. What does your heart say? I know there are practical issues to sort out if it did come to that, but what do you truly believe is best for you in the long run? The 'trust' thing is so difficult and even harder when it seems to be a taboo subject. Have you thought of maybe getting some counselling yourself in order to build up your own strength? And with a clearer mind, you will hopefully know what is the right thing to do.

You sound like you're harbouring a lot of resentment right now (I know, I've been there!), it will carry on eating away at you. Not a pleasant place to be. And it's only natural to feel that way.
I had some counselling and it helped me confront someone who I never had the strength to do so before. It really helped. I could work on me and figure out the best plan when my head was clearer and had to the stamina to do so. I can imagine you're feeling so emotionally drained right now. Good luck with whatever you decided to do xxx

make_me_wise

megahertz wrote: »

My husband and I have been married for twelve years. We had three children together and he was my everything until I discovered in 2007 that he had been lying to me regarding money, debt, bankruptcy, court summons etc

At that time, I was utterly overwhelmed at the prospect of losing my home, marriage and the kids losing their Dad that I stopped the divorce papers I had served on him.

I ( me !!! ) arranged to go to RELATE for counselling, although the quality of service offered to us was very good, I only ever felt that my husband used it as a platform to play a smarmy repentant husband and take advantage of how vulnerable I was at the time. The sessions continued for about nine months .

When I discuss divorce now, his standard response is to worry about what people will say and how he will appear to be.

We are existing in different worlds. How bad does it have to get ?

Thanks xx

It seems all the trust and respect has gone from your relationship. Your husbands response to you discussing divorce sadly says it all really. If he valued your marriage his first response wouldn't be to worry what other people will say. He would be down on his knees begging you to work it out with him.

I am so sorry OP. To be honest you sound really down and at breaking point. I think you will know when enough is enough.

thefishdude

deffinatly seems to me like the trust ahs all gone and so has the love especially on his part. i think a very telling part in your post above is when you said when you have tried to discuss divorce his response wasnt please dont leave i love you etc etc it was what will people think how will i look.

Jinx

For me if you are more sad than happy then the balance has tipped in the wrong direction. Obviously everyone has rough patches or issues to work through but if its a sustained thing - then I feel life is short and the short term pain of divorce has to be outweighed by the stress free of after. And it sounds like your hubby is more fussed about appearances than the fact you may divorce him...

meritaten

I would go back and see the solicitor you saw before about divorce. explain that things havent improved and that you want out of the marraige. Don't worry, solicitors are used to people filing for divorce then deciding to give it another chance - the fact you did give it another chance won't go against you. If you feel that the marraige is definately over then you need to get all your options explained to you.
You tried hun - it sounds as if only one of you was committed to the marraige for the right reasons.

JohnT1974

this I guess is really difficult for you, torn between your thoughts and your hearts desires.

I suspect one of the reasons for your husbands deceit could root from events from the past in his life, perhaps his parents or a previous relationship. He fears the truth and perhaps is embarrassed at the fact that he is poor with money. My guess is he actively portrays a different image of himself to friends/peers as this is how he would like to see himself. It is actually the subconscious affecting the conscious reality of his thinking, forcing him, often uncontrollably, to act like he does. This being said though, he has a problem with money and finds it difficult to come to terms with admission of this problem, let alone tackling it. Once he admits it both to himself and to others, then there are solutions out there to tackle the rest. But only he can carry out the first part.

He is perhaps coy and closed on admitting he is in the wrong and decides to hide from the truth rather than empower all his trust in you. It is true to say perhaps his respect for you is less than it should be. If he has issues (finance or otherwise), then you are the person who he should turn to first to discuss and arrive at potential resolutions to.

Debt is a terrible thing but it is not unsurmountable. There are always solutions.

My guess is you have tried to discuss (judging from your post) things, but have hit a brick wall on many occasions. I sincerely hope you can both resolve this together as I think you still love him but there are conditions to your future together as a family, namely trust, love and respect.
Your problem is compounded by the debt which can be overcome with time, effort and perhaps outside support.

If you believe in your heart your marriage is worth saving, then it is worth saving. Follow your instinct. I would certainly not want to cast judgement on you or your husband but I do know you can make everything better if you both want to.

One suggestion that may set the wheels in motion would be a hand written letter to your husband from the heart, explaining your pain and worries from your side of the fence, and empathising with what you suspect is his pain and worries (at least as you see it) from his side of the fence, without being critical of him and his failings with money.

It is OK to be poor at something like managing money but you have to both admit it. We all have talents and failings. I guess it is how you look at it both individually and together as a couple.
If you do decide to work things through and work together, I guarentee that a lot of good will come from it. You will perhaps both learn new skills, grow your trust in each other, be more open with each other, improve communications with each other, develop interests that you never had before and even become closer than ever.

I wish you the best of luck with your decisions.