Thinking of CSA - Advice Required

Aimless

I waited around 12 years for the CSA to finally start collecting regular maintenance, for all those years I paid all bills, food, clothing etc. Now I'm finally getting something, it goes into a separate account and is paying all bills for my car. My child is quite happy with this, is pleased that we have a good reliable car, and knows I will provide anything he needs and always have done. If my ex wanted to object, well, he can whistle!

blondy24

Thank you for your posts I appreciate your contributions. I was not referring to designer clothes, I was talking about the basics in life. I understand fully that the money should be going to heating,food,school expenditure for the child but when they say that they don't get school packed lunch some days or not much for tea and wear school clothes that have stains on either because not washed/or need new ones it proves to be difficult for the other party who help/pay their own shares.

liney

blondy24 wrote: »

Thank you for your posts I appreciate your contributions. I was not referring to designer clothes, I was talking about the basics in life. I understand fully that the money should be going to heating,food,school expenditure for the child but when they say that they don't get school packed lunch some days or not much for tea and wear school clothes that have stains on either because not washed/or need new ones it proves to be difficult for the other party who help/pay their own shares.

How do you know?

My son comes home in filthy clothes from school sometimes but he was clean in the morning! He'll be wearing school shorts instead of trousers for the rest of this week and next, unless it starts snowing, because i'm not buying new clothes for the last week of term.

He might also claim he'd had no tea, if he decided he wasn't going to eat the food i'd presented him with.

'I've had no lunch' might be a cry from a child who was given cheese sandwiches, but decided not to eat them because they would have preferred ham that day.

The perceptions of a child are different from an adult, and sometimes we can run away with ourselves.

If you genuinely believe they are neglected then money is unlikely to change anything. You should contact social services.

blondy24

The clothes are stained each time we see them in the same places, also clothes that are too short, or not enough clean clothes when they stay with us for the weekend. It is not a case that they don't like the food for lunch it is the fact that there is no bread in the house on various occasions for sandwiches. I just have a different outlook on how children should be looked after I guess.

Fire_Fox

blondy24 wrote: »

Thank you for your posts I appreciate your contributions. I was not referring to designer clothes, I was talking about the basics in life. I understand fully that the money should be going to heating,food,school expenditure for the child but when they say that they don't get school packed lunch some days or not much for tea and wear school clothes that have stains on either because not washed/or need new ones it proves to be difficult for the other party who help/pay their own shares.

Is the child underweight for their height or are there any health issues that might indicate nutrient deficiencies? Stains are not harmful, does the child have fitted sensible school shoes? If you have concerns about the child's welfare these should be reported to Social Services, they are nothing to do with maintenance. And/ or apply for full or joint custody, without that clearly they are not doing 'their own share' as they are not around 50% of the time. And/ or purchase their child a new school uniform, regardless of what has already been paid. Why are you posting the thread and not your partner?

liney

blondy24 wrote: »

The clothes are stained each time we see them in the same places, also clothes that are too short, or not enough clean clothes when they stay with us for the weekend. It is not a case that they don't like the food for lunch it is the fact that there is no bread in the house on various occasions for sandwiches. I just have a different outlook on how children should be looked after I guess.

You still don't say how you know what is inside her cupboards, or whether you think Mom is spending the money down the Bingo instead of on clothes and food? Or does she simply not have enough money comming in?

If Dad is paying more than a CSA payment perhaps he should cut the payment, and buy new clothes and shoes instead each month. However, if she is in dire straights then this may be taking away from the food budget, which would be more important to me.

clearingout

blondy24 wrote: »

The clothes are stained each time we see them in the same places, also clothes that are too short, or not enough clean clothes when they stay with us for the weekend. It is not a case that they don't like the food for lunch it is the fact that there is no bread in the house on various occasions for sandwiches. I just have a different outlook on how children should be looked after I guess.

do not make the mistake of assuming you are somehow a 'better' parent (or would be a 'better' parent), or assuming that you would do better in that situation (or indeed, have done better in that situation if you have been a single parent yourself).

Stained clothes? As a parent with a husband and a decent income, I'd have thrown out clothes with stains on. As a single parent, the children will wear them until I can cobble together the money to replace them. Not enough clean clothes? I don't have what I consider 'enough' clothes for my children as a single parent and if they had a particularly dirty weekend rolling on the beach, playing in the sand, getting wet with water guns, making cakes etc. etc. and had to change a few times, I would struggle to have enough clean clothes too. No bread in the house? Easily dealt with if there are two adults in the house, as one can go out and leave the other with the children, not so easy if there's only one adult (assuming she doesn't have a partner?)

If you and your partner believe the child is being neglected, you need to speak to the school, health services and ultimately Social Services if you find evidence that there is a problem (assuming she's on her own?). There is a world of difference between what Social Services consider 'good enough' parenting and the level of parenting that many of us on our own would love to give our children, if only we had the income and support to manage it.

BitterAndTwisted

If you think that the child isn't being clothed properly perhaps you and your OH should go out and buy him some rather than being critical of the child's mother's housekeeping skills?

blondy24

Thank you for your comments. I just want the children's best interests at heart, I was after opinions on how the situation can improve too.

EclipsedMind

As an NRP myself I can understand your frustration with the state of dress the child arrives in. I have said in another thread today my DD often arrives in poor clothing. Just buy some better stuff for them to wear when in your care. TBH you can pick up decent clothes cheaply at primark or car boot sales for small children. As the child gets older they will put more pressure on the PWC to better dress them generally and it will filter through onto the contact days.

As for the CSA - I would ask you if the amount you pay is fair and if you think so then don't change things. You can look at the CSA calculator for an idea what you will pay through them. https://www2.dwp.gov.uk/csa/v2/en/calculate-maintenance.asp

If going through the CSA will cause a drop in money to the PWC you can expect problems and resentment for changing the status quo. Contact could end up being affected and any co-operation (even begrudged) will probably cease.

I suggest you keep it as a private agreement and don't get too carried away with the whole money thing. Whether the money is spent on the child directly, indirectly or not at all you will still know you met your parental responsibilities in terms of contact and maintenance and did your best and tbh thats all anyone can ask for.

As a personal rant (a few sneaking into my posts lately) and not connected to teh OP - I get pretty hacked off with people who use the with-holding of maintenace / contact as a stick to hit their Ex or keep score. Such people really should grow up and stop being so pathetic and get on with living their lives and raising their kids.

Have a Nice day folks.

EM