I just don't understand

Person_one

His daughters aren't allowed to talk about their mum? They aren't allowed to be visited by their aunties, uncles, grandparents or cousins from their mum's side of the family?

Sorry, that's downright cruel and heartless, he didn't just lose his wife they lost their mum and it sounds like he needs some serious help and guidance on better ways to help them cope with their loss. At the moment they probably feel like they lost their dad and half their family as well.

dissy

Person_one wrote: »

His daughters aren't allowed to talk about their mum? They aren't allowed to be visited by their aunties, uncles, grandparents or cousins from their mum's side of the family?

Sorry, that's downright cruel and heartless, he didn't just lose his wife they lost their mum and it sounds like he needs some serious help and guidance on better ways to help them cope with their loss. At the moment they probably feel like they lost their dad and half their family as well.

That is all true he has cut all ties with everyone that knew her and banned them from the house the only people that are allowed in the house are his father and step mother and his new girlfriends family (she has older children that have left home). The girls are not allowed there friends in either. They are also my god children that is why I am still having contact with them.

AmandaD28

I think the going away bit and not calling after leaving the girls with someone he trusts isn't too odd my best friend's husband works away for months at a time and sometimes (rarely) she gets to go and visit him when she goes she does not phone home she is away for a weekend and the kids stay in their own home with their aunt. She is a fantastic mum they just need some time to be just a couple too and obviously sometimes she takes the kids with her to see their dad the kids are used to this and it does not make them feel unloved and the small breaks help to keep my friends marriage strong I used to find it odd but I was the odd one out in thinking that way.

I do however find it very strange that the girls are not allowed to talk of their mum it may well be painful for the father to discuss but the girls will want to talk about where they came from and have contact with people who can also provide links to their mum. I don't know what to suggest reall other than a very vague conversation with his father maybe to see how he sees the situation but I wouldn't say anything directly or you may well be accused of sticking your nose in where it's not wanted I can understand his need to change the house and clear most of her things out retaining a few for the girls but not the cutting her out of his life all together like she didn't exist.

FWIW Op I think that having them and being part of their lives as you are will be invaluable to the girls I'm assuming they are allowed to discuss her at your house I wouldn't stop this they will need to talk about her somewhere and if your happy to then share your memories with them too, I would tread very carefully with the dad you don't want it to turn on you as he may well flounce off and not let you see them again if he feels threatened/ criticised by what you say.

Well done on being so supportive though not everyone would be so

xx

clearingout

plenty of separated and divorced parents don't speak with their children for longer than 5 days at a time and they do OK. Take it as a complement that he trusts you with his children and was able to take some time off and relax.

The other stuff - taking mum and her family out of the children's lives - is more worrying but I'm not sure you're going to be able to tackle it without him taking some serious offence. They're his children,at the end of the day,and he'll bring them up as he sees fit. You risk alienating him altogether and being removed from the children's lives. Supporting the children to tackle their dad about what's going on is perhaps a better way of dealing with things?

Person_one

Are there any organisations or charities in your area that provide bereavement counselling or similar OP? I might consider approaching them, chatting to somebody about the situation with the girls and seeing what they suggest about approaching the dad. He's probably storing up some serious emotional issues for those poor girls by not allowing them to grieve properly.

Here's a guide from Cruse: http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/Children.html

RAS

dissy

What is your desired outcome? and is that realistically achieveable?

I suspect that you would like him to include the girls' mother's family in their lives and to talk about their mother? It does not sound likely that he will do this any time soon, new girlfriend or not.

If you challenge his parenting, the chances are you will also be removed from their lives.

It may be better to keep quiet but to give the girls the occasional space to talk about their mum if they want to. Do you have pictures of her, yourselves together, their parents together?

Or maybe share stories about their mum when you first knew her?

dissy

Thank you for the link. He was having counselling when he meet new g/f. The children have been able to access this support also.
It works out he was to busy buying an engagement ring to phone the girls or me.
From what the girls have said they just feel they are in the way.
I think myself though I am becoming the 3rd wheel in his relationship and it is getting harder holding my tongue.
I think its time to tell him to get someone else to look after the girls and just leave them all to it.
Thanks for all your replies.

CH27

dissy wrote: »

Thank you for the link. He was having counselling when he meet new g/f. The children have been able to access this support also.
It works out he was to busy buying an engagement ring to phone the girls or me.
From what the girls have said they just feel they are in the way.
I think myself though I am becoming the 3rd wheel in his relationship and it is getting harder holding my tongue.
I think its time to tell him to get someone else to look after the girls and just leave them all to it.
Thanks for all your replies.

I think you will regret doing that.
Make the girls your primary focus & give them some stability & emotional support.

dissy

I really am in a catch 22 with it.
If I support the girls and try and tell him how they feel, I know he will stop any contact.
When they come to me they just tell me how bad things are different rules everyday. His eldest daughter left home 4 months ago he has not contacted her since she is only 16.
All the girls were comming to me to meet up on a fortnightly basis, but he said she was a bad influence on the younger 2 so that has now stopped. I just don't know what else I can do.
Anyone who goes against him gets wiped out of there lives. As they are not allowed to see there mums parents, I let them come and see them this weekend I know if he finds out he will stop them comming here.
So I do feel anything I do is wrong either for him or the children.

CH27

Are you in touch with the older daughter?