Daughter Dialema

*zippy*

Judi we had the same situation last year, we lent the money, not loads though and bought her food to pack make sure she didn't go hungry. Her wages went in while she was away so she paid us back on her return. This year we made sure she knew we wouldn't be able to do it again and she did save up enough to have a good time.

poppasmurf_bewdley

It doesn't sound as though the daughter is very good with money if she's spending all hers in the pubs, etc.

By lending her the money, will you be helping her to get into the same situation you've found yourself in most of your life - ie in debt.

Personally, I wouldn't lend her the money, but at the end of the day you will make up your own mind despite what anybody on here says.

January20

My dd has been "lucky" that she has had friends with money, friends who have always been generous in lending her money. Consequently, I'm finding it extremely difficult to teach her to save up for what she wants/ needs, because when she couln't get the money from me, she went to them. Basically, as others have said before, her friends have taught her that she can just be bailed out when she needs something. And no, I cannot talk to them about it because they won't listen. Nor will they listen to their own parents! Once a bad habit has been learned it's difficult to get rid of it so don't lend her the money. You wouldn't be doing her any favours, especially as she is going to university and will have to learn to budget and manage all those juicy offers from bank ie overdraft facilities, credit cards etc.

atush

If she got a job nwo before the holiday and saved the money for the trip I might be inlcined to give a smll loan.

But in essence I am with the others, she had the money and she spent it- her problem. No big bail outs. How will she manage at Uni?

My son finally has a job int he summer holidays from Uni. He jsut finished y2. I gave him money for food but cut it back. Next year he is in a more expensive house (last one was awful) so I said he had to pay for his food next year ( I will pay rent). He had money for the first 2 years 'fun money' as he had a child savings acct with 2K in it as I made him put b'day and xmas money in it year after year. Plus maybe a 500 quid inheritance. And he eaked it out but it only lasted 2 years lol. He wasn't motivated last year but he finally saw his 2K dwindle to 4.47p so it motivated him quick smart. I also amde him pay his own rental dpeosits so he had to leave his room in good condition owr he wound't get HIS money back.

I give him 5-10 quid a week til his job starts a week monday and thats it- and he has to cut the lawn, do the DW, drive his bros to school etc. He has to work for that cash. And he doens't mind doing it.

So until he earns something, he can only go out for a few hours once a week lol. 5-10 quid doesn't last long ;-) He has to do free stuff with them like play tennis at the local park, go round each other's houses and things.

Basically, he doesn't moan. He knows he has to work for what he wants if he wants something. Becasue I didn't spoil him and let him spend his money when younger and I don't pay for him to have a holiday now (like some of his mates are doing). And he will start his working life knowing how to budget and live within his means.

judi24

Thanks for all your replies - she does work and has worked most days since she finished school - her issue is that pay does not come in til the end of July when she needs it now - we have agreed that i lend her some money with the agreement that it is paid back at the end of the month when she gets paid. I really don't know how to help her manage her money - we have talked about what happens when she goes to uni - I suggested she gives me some of her loan to put away for holidays etc and she lives on her wages week to week - she seems to be ok with this but even then it is not helping her understand how to budget - I think what I need to do is sit with her and go through what she has to pay, how much she has to pay it with and how much is left to save for holidays etc (a simple SOA)
She goes away tomorrow and I really don't know if I have done the right thing! Not sure I will ever know!!! I suppose that's parenthood!

starnac

judi24 wrote: »

I really don't know how to help her manage her money -

The lesson for her to learn now before she goes to uni is to budget. There are plenty of tools for you to use to teach her and for her to use to actually do her budget. But you need to make sure that she knows how much will be coming in and how much will be going out and on what.

This will also be a good exercise for you now you are debt free

Hermia

RobertoMoir wrote: »

I have to agree with Memory Girl - her holiday her problem.

I agree. I funded my gap year and university. My parents gave me some spending money for my gap year as a good bye present, but I never asked them for it. I genuinely don't understand why older teens now expect their parents to pay for everything and the parents agree! I personally wouldn't give her money for the holiday as I can't see how it helps matters. She will still think she can do what she wants and someone will bail her out. Maybe she needs to actually really face what her lifestyle choices have led her to (being on holiday with no money for fun). It is a difficult one because you do need to teach her how to budget, but that can lead to her just allowing someone else to manage her money.

MoneyMax

Memory_Girl wrote: »

OK - I'm probably going to get shot down in flames, but in my mind. Her holiday, Her problem.

Maybe she should consider a "working" holiday instead. Its possible to work your way around the world if you are not too fussy what you do - picking broccoli, cleaning loos, mucking out.

But if she "expects" you to fund her spending I would be for saying "no can do" - your Dad pays me £11 per month for you (after years of a battle), IF he continues to do so in the future how about I pass THAT on to you??

The its a sit down and do an SOA with her - and a pronto rummage through HER possessions to get stuff on Ebay. She has known about it for a year and has chosen to spend her money elsewhere - therefore not your problem.

Your job now is to set the better example - and that doesn't mean getting into debt on non-essentials but to regard this as a huge learning moment for your daughter for the future. If she doesn't manage to go on the holiday she will ALWAYS remember that it was HER bad financial planning if you phrase it right.

If you pay for her - she will learn that its OK to spend all your money partying cos Mum will bail me out ........ which attitude do you want her to have when she's 30??

Toughie though - hope you can survive the fall-out

MG

Good idea!! Get her to sell some of her posessions, she will feel good about getting the money together her self!

Pollycat

judi24 wrote: »

I have worked hard to provide for my family and maybe tried too hard to give them the things they wanted - getting into debt as I wen't along. Now I have a good job that I have worked hard to get that means life is reasonably comfortable now my debts are gone.

My dialema is that my 18 year old daughter has planned to go on holiday for a year now and goes this week - but she has not saved any spending money - she spend every weekend at the pub or goes to town (not cheap) she works part time and is planning on going to uni in sept. But she now has no money for spends.

Do I help her out and lend her some money? or do I teach her a lesson and let her get on with it - hoping she realises she needs to manage her money better?

I think this is the key point.

This holiday is imminent and the daughter hasn't got any spending money.

I think the OP (sorry judi24) is partly to blame as she didn't address this issue as soon as the holiday was booked.

If it had been me, I'd have told the daughter very clearly a year ago that any spending money for the holiday would have to come from her earnings.

The OP hasn't said that she did this and if she didn't, it's a bit late now for her to not help.

But, as I said in my earlier reply, I'd lend her the money but be very clear that is is only a loan and insist on agreeing repayments to start when she gets back.
And be very clear that she needs to start to be more sensible with her money in the future.

January20

judi24 wrote: »

Thanks for all your replies - she does work and has worked most days since she finished school - her issue is that pay does not come in til the end of July when she needs it now - we have agreed that i lend her some money with the agreement that it is paid back at the end of the month when she gets paid. I really don't know how to help her manage her money - we have talked about what happens when she goes to uni - I suggested she gives me some of her loan to put away for holidays etc and she lives on her wages week to week - she seems to be ok with this but even then it is not helping her understand how to budget - I think what I need to do is sit with her and go through what she has to pay, how much she has to pay it with and how much is left to save for holidays etc (a simple SOA)
She goes away tomorrow and I really don't know if I have done the right thing! Not sure I will ever know!!! I suppose that's parenthood!

I feel your pain! it's so difficult. I wish my daughter would learn from my financial mistakes (and her father's monumental ones!) and I tried to do things so differently from my parents (who hid any kind of financial issue from me and my siblings) but I've now realised that at 18 she is an adult, I have done my best, I have tried to teach her and there is nothing more I can do. Like you I don't know what to do to help her manage her money any more. Perhaps it's true that you have to learn from your mistakes.

I've looked at my dd's students finances and it's really not very much to live on once accommodation is paid for :eek: very scary. She will try and get a job but still...

Judi, all you can do is what you think is the best for you and your dd. With your decision, you are teaching her that when you borrow money you have to give it back. Not a bad lesson in the end.