Daughter Dialema

judi24

I know it's not exactly a question about debt but as this is my 'home' forum I thought it was a good place to start.
I have been in debt all my adult life - I got a store card at 18 and the rest is history - I am finally debt free this month courtesy of a surprise payment from my ex husband via the CSA - they have obviously threatened him with action for his arrears (he went 12 years without paying!) finally got £1590.80 this month (works out at £11 a month for the time he didn't pay! but better than nothing!)

I have worked hard to provide for my family and maybe tried too hard to give them the things they wanted - getting into debt as I wen't along. Now I have a good job that I have worked hard to get that means life is reasonably comfortable now my debts are gone.

My dialema is that my 18 year old daughter has planned to go on holiday for a year now and goes this week - but she has not saved any spending money - she spend every weekend at the pub or goes to town (not cheap) she works part time and is planning on going to uni in sept. But she now has no money for spends.

Do I help her out and lend her some money? or do I teach her a lesson and let her get on with it - hoping she realises she needs to manage her money better?

Obviously she hasn't had the best teacher but I don't want her to fall into the trap of borrowing money to fund her lifestyle.

Any advice would be appreciated - I don't want to bail her out so she thinks she can get away with not planning ahead and saving but I would feel so guilty knowing she either couldn't have a good time on holiday or borrowed money from somewhere else - i don't want her to end up like me!!!!

(just to top it all her dad told her he couldn't help cos he'd payed me! forgot to tell her he hadn't paid anything for 12 years!)

KxMx

If she is old enough to arrange her own holiday (and has known about it for a year!) then that includes spending money. She will learn nothing if you bail her out!! The best lesson you can teach her is to show her the consequences of her inaction.

ashaput

Is that mean she's going to use your money for her holiday? A year for holiday is a long time, and during that time spending the money is a waste. I mean she has no savings at all. If I were you I will lend her the money, not giving her away. If you lend the money she will be responsible to pay it off, and then she will learn it is not good at all to have a debt. Just my thought.

Seanymph

Is she abroad or in England?

If she was abroad I would put money into an account and say it was 'emergency money' and 'to be paid back with interest if she touched it'.

if she was in England I'd let her run out and walk home.

Pollycat

Has she asked you specifically (i.e in so many words) to help her out?

Or has she just hinted?

What will she do if she can't get the spending money together?
If she has booked with other girls and can't go because of no spends, it may have a knock-on effect on them as they might have to pay more for under-occupancy.

Have you said anything to her during the year the holiday has been booked about saving money for it?

If it were me, I think I'd lend her the money but be very clear that is is only a loan and insist on agreeing repayments to start when she gets back.
And be very clear that she needs to start to be more sensible with her money in the future.
I wouldn't let her off easily.

How does she think she's going to manage at Uni?

Memory_Girl

OK - I'm probably going to get shot down in flames, but in my mind. Her holiday, Her problem.

Maybe she should consider a "working" holiday instead. Its possible to work your way around the world if you are not too fussy what you do - picking broccoli, cleaning loos, mucking out.

But if she "expects" you to fund her spending I would be for saying "no can do" - your Dad pays me £11 per month for you (after years of a battle), IF he continues to do so in the future how about I pass THAT on to you??

The its a sit down and do an SOA with her - and a pronto rummage through HER possessions to get stuff on Ebay. She has known about it for a year and has chosen to spend her money elsewhere - therefore not your problem.

Your job now is to set the better example - and that doesn't mean getting into debt on non-essentials but to regard this as a huge learning moment for your daughter for the future. If she doesn't manage to go on the holiday she will ALWAYS remember that it was HER bad financial planning if you phrase it right.

If you pay for her - she will learn that its OK to spend all your money partying cos Mum will bail me out ........ which attitude do you want her to have when she's 30??

Toughie though - hope you can survive the fall-out

MG

BeautyandtheBeast_3

Hi i agree with MG to a degree - I would ask her how much she wants to take away with her - for arguments sake £300, tell her that i she raises £150 in ebay sales or p/t job in bar or agency work between now and the holiday you will LEND her the other £150. then allow her to pay you back £20 per week etc.

RobertoMoir

I have to agree with Memory Girl - her holiday her problem.

If you pay for it, either before or after the event, then you're teaching her that she can get into debt and someone will bail her out. She needs to learn how to take responsibility for her money herself in order to help avoid falling into the trap you fell into.

I'd have a bit more sympathy with her if she'd saved most of the money and worked hard to do so, and just needed a bit of help with the remainder, but it sounds like she's blown her money and expecting it to all be ok somehow by magic. And the world doesn't work like that.

Besides, after being in debt so long yourself, if you're going to treat anyone with any free money you now have, it won't do any harm to give yourself a little treat before anyone else!

DarnIt_3

She knew about the holiday...she has been planning it for a long time no doubt! Yet she still allowed herself to spend money at the weekends.
Do you have money to go clubbing? To go drinking and buy yourself the latest clothes you want?

I would have to tell her to get a grip and not lend her the money! If it was for household bills and she was in dire need, yes I would always help my children if they were responsible. But from your post it is clear your daughter have been frivilous with her finances. She needs to learn the hard way!

abby1234519

No,

Do not bail her out.
Its what got me into debt, being bailed out made it worse

beadgirl87

Good luck with the arrangement for the holiday. Maybe do a proper loan and charge her small interest repayments, point out if she had saved in advance, she wouldn't have to pay interest on it. I see this as a sort of practise for her and you. You say she is starting uni in sept, maybe now is a time to have a big talk with her about money. She has been earning money for a while and wasted it a bit over the year. What is her reaction going to be when she turns up at uni and gets £1000 put into her account and all the temptation of cheap nights out at uni.
Are you going to be able to resist lending her money when she can't afford rent or food as it was spent on nights out.
I saved up before uni, but managed to blow my savings very quickly as I was getting used to the freedom and having to pay my way all of a sudden. I worked every summer to pay it back though.
Anyway I'm just suggesting that by having a word with her about saving and spending hopefully she will be ok at uni. It is east to get sucked in and waste it all, she will get her loan payment and have an overdraft of up to £2000 more money than she has had access too.
However, uni may also do her good and realising that the has to make the money last may be the trigger she needs to start budgeting.
I hope she enjoys the holiday and makes the most of her time at uni, it is hard work but worth it!