Wedding jitters?

marywooyeah

Hi I wanted to see if anyone else on here was having the same thing and how you coped with it, sorry for the long post.
Basically I've just finished the second year of my full time law degree, I have a three year old, I'm on the law society committee at uni, do 99% of the housework and until feb was working 4 shifts a week alongside all of this and doing my uni work and planning the wedding single handledy (it was OH's idea to get married, it's never really mattered to me)
I was really struggling, but I have had some results back two high 2;1s and a first so am pleased, waiting for the others.
Needless to say I was looking forward to finishing my exams, but now I have I find myself weighing more than I thought (even though I was careful with food, the sheer inactivity of sitting down studying has obviously affected this) and left to clean the house all day. I mean all day, every time I finish a load of washing more needs doing, ironing, putting washing away, general tidying, hoovering dusting cooking washing kitchen/bathroom mopping the floors you get the idea. I feel overwhelmed with it, I have trouble waking up in the mornings cos I'm so tired, and today I realised that I dont want to wake up, cos when I do it means I have to clean.

My son is home from nursery more so it's harder to do it with him around. I've joined a gym and have been going for just under 3 mile walks a night and dieting but am still very overweight. The thought of having to walk down an aisle in a dress with 100 people staring at me fills me with dread, as does the thought of having photos taken. I worry I will spend the whole day feeling uncomfortable and stressed and self concious. I'm not very pretty facially either so think it will show on my face too.
I have people coming who I really don't want there, but despite putting across reasons why OH insisted they had to come or it would cause tensions. I have asked OH to help with housework so many times, even when I have been crying and begging him he says he works full time and pays the rent and CT (I pay all the bills, inc food) and why should he have to come home and do housework. Theres been times where he's actually laughed at me while I've been crying, cos its always stuff that I ask him so many times eg please put your shoes away, please dont leave clothes on the floor etc yet every single day without fail he does both, so it's not like he doesnt know the effect it has on me.

I feel like he doesnt respect me because of this, yet he assures me he does and "will make more of an effort" but he never changes. I love him dearly and know he is the right person for me, but am scared that being married means that my life will always be reduced to cleaning up after everyone day in day out, it's like groundhog day and I can't stand it. It will get harder again once I go on placement in september. to be honest I am just dreading the wedding, and I've asked him several times if we can cancel but he says its too late and I shouldnt have said yes if I didnt want to, so feel quite confused and unsure if this is just wedding jitters or something more.

Hadley1

Hey sweetie,

Deep breath. You are a marvel and should be so proud of what you have achieved. :T

I don't understand how your OH thinks laughing at you is respectful. Surely a fundamental part of any marriage is sharing and give and take. He needs to listen to and understand your point of view.

In terms of doing something about your weight - I think many of us on this forum are in the same boat. There is are threads on here about weight loss which offer great advice tips and day to day encouragement!

Also if you need help and support there are such wonderful people on here - who can offer you all sorts of info, advice or even just listen when you need to take some time to rant. :rotfl:

trinity_enigma

Im sorry to say this but I think it is something far more. Obviously there is more to your relationship than you have written here but from what you've written it does not sound like he respects you very much if at all.

You really need to think about why you are with your OH. You have not shown any reasons here and I am worried that from what you have written whether it is down to your low self esteem. I would advise you to speak to some one who knows more about your life and relationship such as a friend or your mum who will be able to help more and also sit down and speak to your OH as you cannot entire your marriage so unhappy. It may also be worth speaking to your GP as you seem to be showing some signs of depression (but I am not qualified to diagnose in the slightest and as I have said there is far more to you than you have written). I'm very sorry if this is not what you want to hear.

Dekazer

Hallo! My goodness you do a great deal don't you?! Working and studying at the same time is hard enough, let alone with a 3 year old too! My student digs were always a tip too, so I'm amazed that you find time for cleaning too

You do have a very busy life, and it's fair that you hope for support - both practical and emotional - from your fiance. My partner and I both work full time, long hours, and we both have to come home and do our share of the housework. It's normal that most full time workers have to do so, and it's completely fair. After all, child care is work. If you were at home alone I might think differently, but when your child's at home too you can't be expected to do all the housework to your normal standard.

Having said that, your post suggests that you and your fiance have gone past the point of talking about this issue. It is a diffcult topic to raise, but have you considered talking it through with a professional? if you're having a church ceremony, your pre-wedding classes with the minister might be a good starting point. Otherwise Relate are really excellent (my step-mother's a Relate counsellor, and she's certainly full of great advice!). There's no shame in a quick relationship MOT before the big day.

I do hope you find your way through this. If it's any consolation, your post could have been written by my friend 10 years ago. To the letter! She and her husband weathered the storm and are now genuinely happy and content in their marriage. They've had hard times (studying with a child and working, plus money worries...) but their relationship was the stronger for surviving them. Best of luck, and keep your chin up. This forum and others (e.g. Mumsnet) can be a good place to let off steam and get ideas, and talking to your fiance will get you through.

Take care,

Deks xx

marywooyeah

Thankyou for your replies. Tbh I think I am depressed, I really struggled through this academic year but was determined to do well so am pleased its paid off.
I agree with the lady who said the laughing is not respectful. I've told him this several times, and each time we sit and have a serious talk I say "actions speak louder than words. Your actions of contionously doing things such as leaving your shoes out (which you have to walk past the shoe cupboard to dump on the dining room floor) say to me that you don't respect me, that its ok to do that because mary will come and pick it up".
He responds well, apologises but then the same thing happens. Its not just the shoes (just one example of many), I realise that may seem petty but I trip over them a lot, and its the fact I've been asking him for years not to do many things but he still does which frustrates me. He laughs when I cry over things like that because I become so infuriated that I am literally screaming and crying begging him to share some of the weight, I guess it must seem funny to see someone that worked up over housework.

I am with him because we genuinely have a solid love. When I met him I was basically suicidal, my ex had bullied me into a termination and it had destroyed me. It took me a long time to tell my OH about it because I thought he wouldnt want to be with me because of it, but he has been so supportive and sat with me everytime I cried over my baby and encouraged me to go to counselling. When we get on its brilliant, we have such a laugh and the sex is still great after 4 and a half years (sorry if TMI!) and he is a wonderful father. The only things we ever argue about are housework and money, although he was recently promoted so money is ok now. Its just this one issue really which is making me frightened of marriage, I dont want to look back on my life and feel that I spent half my life cleaning everyone else's mess! I'm scared of the actual wedding, I don't like being fussed over and I know all day people will be taking pictures and I feel I might have to paint on a smile IYSWIM. I do have low self esteem but I think it's justified, its not like I'm a size 8 and complaining that I'm fat (like some of my friends are who drive me mad with it!)

I know everyone gets nervous and thats why I'm so worried, because I actually feel depressed about the wedding. Are you two married? did you go through something similar if so?
I appreciate your responses, thankyou x

RainbowDrops

Considering how much you have on your plate & how low you are feeling, might it be a good idea to suggest to your ex that you postpone the wedding until your mentally & ohysically fitter?

A wedding shouldn't be a worry; there are stresses involved, but that should be about the Wedmin, not about what you're marrying into.

marywooyeah

hi i've asked him if we can cancel or postpone but its too late now as the wedding is so close, I think thats part of why I am so depressed about it. I love him so much, and its supposed to be a happy day, so why do I feel so sad.
We are having pre marriage appts with the vicar, and I said that marriage was never something which meant much to me but I want to show commitment to him, not sure whether to bring up the "i don't feel very respected" issue with the vicar though.
To the poster who suggested it, thankyou but I dont have any family around me and I didnt grow up with my mum so we aren't close at all, I have most of my family coming but because we all live in different parts of the country we don't see each other very much.

Mrsanders

Awww bless you, I really feel for you! It sounds like you are extremely overworked with everything, I was also about to say it sounds like postponing maybe a good idea.

It sounds like h2b is supportive of you by how you descibe how he's been there for you in the past, I think you really need to sit down and go through everything you have said on here and make him realise how you're feeling because to be honest he sounds a little bit like my hubby and if I complain about something like housework it's my "Hormone's!" but I always know deep down he is always there for me.

As far as cleaning goes, just leave it! Try not to stress out about it so much and if he doesn't tidy up after himself leave it there until he does! In the build up to our wedding I was getting very worked up, wanting everything done and could feel myself getting really stressed out until I finally said to myself, you know what? I'm just gonna leave it and chill out a bit!

Also I am a very nervous person and hate being the centre of attention, pictures taken etc. and I was sooooo worried about walking down the aisle with everyone looking at me up until we went to our rehearsal the evening before, and at that point I felt strangely calm and that was exactly how I felt on the day! I just focused on my other half and I was fine.

Sorry for rambling on! Hope I may have helped a little bit, just try to take things a bit slow

trinity_enigma

I'm glad your OH is generally supportive. Perhaps he just needs to be taught a lesson- instead of tidying away all his shoes etc just pick then up and dump them in a black bag so they are out of the way when your tidying. That way he can see how much you are having to tidy up for him. To him he probably just sees it as the one thing you happen to be complaining about. When you change the bed sheets don't change his pillowcase, when you do the washing up don't put away the things he has used. After a few days he will realise that you arent just talking about a quick 10 minute tidy every day and that there is a lot more to your day than he thinks.

It might be nice for you to go out for the day (and maybe a night) one weekend and leave him to look after the little one and cook and clean and just see what it looks like when you get back

marywooyeah

trinity_enigma wrote: »

I'm glad your OH is generally supportive. Perhaps he just needs to be taught a lesson- instead of tidying away all his shoes etc just pick then up and dump them in a black bag so they are out of the way when your tidying. That way he can see how much you are having to tidy up for him. To him he probably just sees it as the one thing you happen to be complaining about. When you change the bed sheets don't change his pillowcase, when you do the washing up don't put away the things he has used. After a few days he will realise that you arent just talking about a quick 10 minute tidy every day and that there is a lot more to your day than he thinks.

It might be nice for you to go out for the day (and maybe a night) one weekend and leave him to look after the little one and cook and clean and just see what it looks like when you get back

thankyou, yes he is generally supportive, he's a great man, but he is just a bit slack with housework as he works full time. I did once throw his shoes at him - didn't go down too well!
I tried leaving his ironing, everytime I put washng away I put his ironing in a seperate tub, and he ironed one shirt each morning for work! leaving the ironing board up all week! I just do a load in one go and hang them up so there's loads done and the board can go away.
I did once go to a 4hr shift, so was gone for about 5hrs in total and came back to find the place like a bomb had gone off, and he admitted it was hard to do with our son around, so he understands this but doesn't understand why I find the whole house such a chore, he has more of a "it'll get done when it's done" kind of view.

to the above poster, thats how I feel about the aisle bit, it's a good suggestion to just focus on him, I was worried I'd be staring at the floor! don't think I could manage grinning like a cheshire cat at everyone! the rehearsal is on th 14th, but half the wedding party can't come so not sure how that will pan out!

LEJC

Whens your wedding Mary?
Everything seems to be getting on top of you and its time you took a step back and had a break.
Can you get someone to look after your children whilst you and your OH sit down and have a talk about everthing thats clearly bothering you both.
You need to explain your feelings to him and in turn he needs to explain his to you
You both need to agree a division of chores and wedding planning to ensure you both have the day you want

Your friends and family wont judge your weight as an issue...they love you for way and who you are so please dont think that you are any less a person because of any weight you think you may have put on...

Planning a wedding can be the most enjoyable time...but it can also be the worst too so if things are not going to plan at the moment take a step back and return to it when you feel ready.
You clearly have achieved good results in your exams so be proud of yourself...why not go out and treat yourself to something as a reward....you deserve it...it doesn't need to be a big reward but take some time to choose something that will make you feel special.
Things will get better...but you probably do need to communicate your feelings to your OH and hopefully that will help to redress things...
Best of luck...with whatever you decide