Any advice for sick husband who's lost licence, getting depressed?

Bexm

Hello!

I am a serial lurker here but have made very few posts. I can see you all offer some good advice though so I'm wondering if you have any advice for me and my husband?

My husband is unwell, and has been off work for 6 months, he is getting a bit better at the moment, but the nature of his illness means he will have no warning when it will come back.

He can be fine one day and then can't get out of bed the next.

He used to be very independent and likes to look after the family.
He has been feeling useless as he's not been able to work and bring any money in which has got him down and recently due to the illness his doctor has told him he cannot drive and needs to surrender his licence back to the DVLA.

He was coping ok until the point he was told this.. even though he had not been driving because of being unwell, being told he's actually not allowed to drive, especially as he is now starting to feel better has made him feel really down.

He was due to go back to his job part time at some point but as now he can't drive he can't get there and it's too far out of the way for me to drop him off on my way to work.

We live in a small town where the public transport is quite bad and very few jobs so ideally you need to be able to drive both to get around and to get to work.

So I am looking for any advice you may have that may help him either get around, or feel better about himself?
I am getting worried about him getting depressed so I am trying to find ways to help him somehow?!

Thanks

Bex

Emmzi

can he do some internet working at home on his good days? have a look at the lionbridge/ up your income threads, sounds like he is getting to where he wants to be able to do something "useful" when he is up to it?

Pee

I really feel for him. I live in a similiar sort of place and can sort of imagine how I would feel if it were me. (I can imagine how awful this would be for the first five minutes of knowing, but not the frustration that would inevitably follow.)

It's a completely different situation but my boyfriend was very quiet with building work and financially reliant on me for a little while, which goes against his principles and he was finding it very tough - there was an element of depression and he didn't have an illness, had lots of understanding friends, many who were also self employed builders and couldn't find work and who might have ideas about working away etc.

What did help was getting him involved in the housework, suggesting food that I would like to eat, helping him a bit with recipes and then being very appreciative of the finished result, which was the easy bit!

Also there were some practical odd jobs that needed doing.

This might not work with your OH, but I think if he has responsibility for something he can do that might help him maintain self respect. (Maybe online shopping, preparing a budget, sorting payment of the bills - it's hard to know the right things without knowing him)

Bexm

Emmzi wrote: »

can he do some internet working at home on his good days? have a look at the lionbridge/ up your income threads, sounds like he is getting to where he wants to be able to do something "useful" when he is up to it?

Hi Emmzi!

Thank's for the advice, I shall suggest this to him.

Bexm

Pee wrote: »

I really feel for him. I live in a similiar sort of place and can sort of imagine how I would feel if it were me. (I can imagine how awful this would be for the first five minutes of knowing, but not the frustration that would inevitably follow.)

It's a completely different situation but my boyfriend was very quiet with building work and financially reliant on me for a little while, which goes against his principles and he was finding it very tough - there was an element of depression and he didn't have an illness, had lots of understanding friends, many who were also self employed builders and couldn't find work and who might have ideas about working away etc.

What did help was getting him involved in the housework, suggesting food that I would like to eat, helping him a bit with recipes and then being very appreciative of the finished result, which was the easy bit!

Also there were some practical odd jobs that needed doing.

This might not work with your OH, but I think if he has responsibility for something he can do that might help him maintain self respect. (Maybe online shopping, preparing a budget, sorting payment of the bills - it's hard to know the right things without knowing him)

Pee, My husband feel's exactly like that.. hates the fact he is depending on me! It goes against his principles too!

We are actually in the middle of doing up our house so he has been doing bits and bobs when he feels ok.. but it's not making him feel much better! We've been doing up the house slightly longer than he's been off sick (no relationship tho) so he's kind of ha enough of the house!
Being stuck around the house and not being able to go anywhere without relying on someone is getting to him the most I think.

Bex

Pee

And a bike wouldn't be an option? (It wouldn't around us, because of the hills, let alone whether it would be an option with his illness.) Does he have any friends that you could suggest something to? If money isn't a big issue, maybe they could take him for a lunchtime pint somewhere? Have a word with the council as we do have some disability buses around us that you can ring and book rides with - maybe into town to the library? What about a motorised scooter?

Do you think the DVLA were right to revoke the license? maybe something you could discuss with the doctor, as it would be possible to appeal.

Remember to notice and praise the work on the house and maybe mention to friends how well it is comng on - provided all this is true!

Bexm

Pee wrote: »

And a bike wouldn't be an option? (It wouldn't around us, because of the hills, let alone whether it would be an option with his illness.) Does he have any friends that you could suggest something to? If money isn't a big issue, maybe they could take him for a lunchtime pint somewhere? Have a word with the council as we do have some disability buses around us that you can ring and book rides with - maybe into town to the library? What about a motorised scooter?

Do you think the DVLA were right to revoke the license? maybe something you could discuss with the doctor, as it would be possible to appeal.

Remember to notice and praise the work on the house and maybe mention to friends how well it is comng on - provided all this is true!

I'm not sure they were right to take his licence..
I understand why the doctor said they should but the illness is very difficult to understand unless you've witnessed the effects (and noone but me and a friend have.. he hides himself a way) It's a very rare illness and he's not got A typical symptoms so I'm not sure if the doctor understands what we are trying to explain even though he's been diagnosed him! We're hoping the medication he's been given will start working.

As for friends neither of us have many and noone who would take him to the pub (of which he's actually in walking distance of.. which is worrying in its self!)

But a Motorised Bike.. himm now this could be a good idea.. don't need a licence for that do you! Also will get hold of the council and see if they have any thing like you suggested.

thanks pee!

Mupette

I have MS, and i had to inform dvla.

i though i would be ok as my consultant checked me over and said he would support me, he filled the forms in wrong and i was devastated to get a letter saying no more driving.. a bit of digging my consultant apologist and contact dvla for me, i got my license back but needs checking every 3 years..

a week and a half with no allowed to drive was torture, it was the only form of transport i could cope with.

Pee

Would you feel able to talk to the doctor or to a consultant about the driving?

Hmm, if I was him, stuck at home within walking distance of a pub I know where I would be spending my time and it wouldn't do me any good. (Going for one pint is good, hard to resist the third or the fourth when not driving and no chance that you could be that day...)

The bikes with an electric motor are really good, although quite expensive.

rachbc

my FIL had to give up his licence on medical grounds and bezzed about on a electric bike for a couple of years - its really helped him feel independant.

Could he claim DLA with mobility element to enable him to pay for occassional taxi trips out and about?

Oldernotwiser

Has your husband considering doing some kind of studying? There are a range of courses available by distance learning from the Open University downwards and some funding available to help those on a low income.

Returning to study has pulled me out of depression a couple of times.