Is it worth it?

Pumpkin_pie_6

Firstly I have been around for the last few weeks under a different user name, but as my hubby knows it and does sometimes read my posts I've had to take on a new user name so that things don't get worse.

As background, our debts came about as a result of me giving up work to do a renovation. It took longer than planned and cost more than planned. We had put some money into fixed accounts after selling our previous house and this was meant to be for an extension. But several expensive holidays and unexpected costs meant that this money and a lot more was spent and we are now heavily in debt. I am now looking for a job and once I do I know we will be able to make huge inroads into the debt, but for now we have to watch every penny and this is where the problem is.

I know he blames me for the mess we are in as it has taken longer to sort the house out and therefore I have been out of work for longer than planned, but he only admits this in the middle of arguements and the rest of the time he says its not a problem. Also I have bought lots of new things for the house that we didn't need, but after living in dust and mess for some long I wanted the place to look nice. But the main waste of money were the holidays, which we both agreed on.

So this morning we have a blazing row because he spent money yesterday when it was meant to be a NSD. A stupid argument and I probably did over react, but I am trying so hard to save money that it really got to me. Then when I asked him if he had his lunch he said he was planning on buying lunch today. Has he not listened to any of the conversations we have had about money and the big hole we are in. :mad:

Last night we had talked twice about not spending money getting some wine as it was a NSD and he didn't mention his spending until I asked for some money that I knew he had as I was shopping today and wanted to use cash. He knew it was a NSD yesterday as we had spoken about it first thing. But I am to blame for forcing NSDs on him and if I want him to do it I have to discuss it so that he is on board as well. Yes I agree with this, but at the weekend I asked him if he wanted to sit down to discuss things so we could make these plans and he said no. So I make the decisions, tell him and then he won't support me in it.

I know it may sound trivial, but with me trying my hardest, it just seems like he has let me down and is hiding things from me again. I love him to bits but with all our previous problems I just can't go on like this anymore, I'm fed up with the arguments and being made to feel like I have let the family down

I thought we were strong, but everytime there is a bump in the road the weaknesses surface and we are back to square one - so do I call it a day on the DFW journey to save my marriage, accept the arguments and the feelings of being worthless or is there a way forward so I can carry on being a DFW and having a good marriage.

Sorry for rambling on so much, but I just feel so down and confused. Its probably just me over reacting, so please be as honest as you like, I probably need a good kick up the behind!

mrsb83_2

Don't call it a day - you just need to try a different approach.

I have never seen the appeal of NSDs personally. I prefer to have a detailed budget which allows me to spend what I need when I need to. I know that they work for a lot of people, but seems that your DH isn't one of them.

There are many approaches to saving money and you just need to find the right one for you.

Do you have a good budget? Have you tried using cash only? Spending diary? Frugal living challenge? Payment a day?

Don't give up!

GeorgieFTB

Pumpkin_pie wrote: »

I thought we were strong, but everytime there is a bump in the road the weaknesses surface and we are back to square one - so do I call it a day on the DFW journey to save my marriage, accept the arguments and the feelings of being worthless or is there a way forward so I can carry on being a DFW and having a good marriage.

Sorry for rambling on so much, but I just feel so down and confused. Its probably just me over reacting, so please be as honest as you like, I probably need a good kick up the behind!

I don't think its quite as simple as that, for a start at some point you will run out of credit... hopefully you will get a job before that happens...

What happens when you do get a job and want to pay off the debts and he wants a holiday?

If you are going to have a good marriage then you need to talk about this... sweeping it under the carpet and humming does not sound like a good marriage!

Good luck
Gx

rdchick

What did he spend the pennies on yesterday to break the NSD - was it something previously budgeted for?

Try to stay positive sweets - it is hard to adapt - you've had your moment of realisation - he seems to need his - it's similar to our situation only we don't share money other than bills - my debts are mine - his are his

Pumpkin_pie_6

rdchick wrote: »

What did he spend the pennies on yesterday to break the NSD - was it something previously budgeted for?

Try to stay positive sweets - it is hard to adapt - you've had your moment of realisation - he seems to need his - it's similar to our situation only we don't share money other than bills - my debts are mine - his are his

It was over a packet of crisps! Stupid I know but I buy crisps and choccy bars for him to take into work and on this one occasion we didn't have any in the house. Its not the money as such, its more that he didn't tell me about it until I asked and that if he had let me know earlier I would have done the shopping yesterday instead of today so today could have been a NSD.

Probably getting too het up on the challenges but they mean something to me. My whole life seems to be taken over with the MSE way of doing things and I check here before checking facebook these days as it is that important to me.

I guess the hiding things from me takes me back to when he cheated on me and as much as I want to believe I have forgiven him for doing it I haven't. Don't want to make any rushed decisions, but I have been where I am now on more than one occassion in the last 14 years and always accept his apology and give it another try, this time I am just not sure its what I want anymore.

Pumpkin_pie_6

GeorgieFTB wrote: »

What happens when you do get a job and want to pay off the debts and he wants a holiday?

If you are going to have a good marriage then you need to talk about this... sweeping it under the carpet and humming does not sound like a good marriage!

Good luck
Gx

We do talk about it but obviously don't actually resolve anything. Our problems are much deeper and money is now just the catalyst. Marriage guidance appeared to help, but not as much as I thought.:(

Cyril

I think its a shame to get into a major argument over a packet of crisps tbh. I know this forms part of your bigger picture but men think differently and in his eyes it prob seems ridiculous that a grown man is told he can't have a packet of crisps.

As someone else said don't have NSD's if they cause so much upset. Budget for the necessities and each have some pocket money for the week, no matter how small, and spend this on what you like.

CH27

Pumpkin_pie wrote: »

We do talk about it but obviously don't actually resolve anything. Our problems are much deeper and money is now just the catalyst. Marriage guidance appeared to help, but not as much as I thought.:(

It sounds as though you are at a crossroads.
Try to look at the whole picture & then assess which way to turn.

Pumpkin_pie_6

Cyril - you are right - it is stupid to fight over a bag of crisps and its not the money, its the hiding of the fact that he spent it and as he has hidden things in the past which were much more significant is what set me off.

Yes I am at a crossroads and I know the way to go, its just not the path I want to take

Rock_Cakes

Hugs for you Pumpkinpie :grouphug:

I can only echo what other people have said. You need to sit down and assess the situation.

Remember that we are all here for you.
xx

Nottoobadyet

I'll be honest - i don't think that not telling you he was spending less than £2 is a sackable offence. I would feel suffocated under that level of scrutiny, especially switching to that after a lifestyle of holidays.

I dont know how dire your financial straits are, but unless you are staring repossession down the nose you need to leave yourself a little wiggle room to keep yourselves sane. The NSD way, as mentioned before, isnt for everyone and you fixating on that rather than your monthly bottom line may be whats making it difficult for him.

((hugs)), Im sure you're doing your best and i hope you find a good middle ground that works for both of you.