Is it worth it?

Pumpkin_pie_6

Firstly huge thanks for all the comments. Sometimes it's hard to actually see what is going on when you are caught up in it. So it's been really useful to see things from other points of view.

We've had a hard few months in the family and facing up to the debts has been tough. Me and him are at different stages in our journey and when I get a thought in my head, I run with it as I am not patient.

After a day of doing nothing but thinking about which way to turn there is one thing I can say for sure, this hasn't occurred just because of the debts and him spending money its a trust issue and without trust a relationship is not going to be happy. And this is my problem and not his, he may have instigated the initial mistrust to surface, but I have to let it go and move forward, and if that is something I can't do then for both our sakes and that of the children then we would have to go our seperate ways.

[Deleted User]

As you have figured out pumpkin pie, this is all probably made worse because of underlying resentment and trust issues due to the fact he cheated.
Maybe you could try Relate and see if you can work out your issues as every relationship has its own problems and it's worth trying to save the one you're in if you love him.

Mrs_Trouble

I really can understand how you are feeling. I feel responsible for the debts that me and my Husband have and it has been a very difficult time as we get on the DFW journey. I feel that money is behind every argument and I too feel worthless and as if I should be grateful to him for being with me - when I tell him this he says he never means to make me feel like this. I wonder whether I am too obsessive about money now and too defensive.

It is a hard journey but I would hope it is one worth pursuing as I would hate money to separate us.

Good luck ss

ashaput

May be it is time for you and your husband to sit down and talk about it. You can try to make kind of written agreement (?) about how you two will spend the money. Try to make a list of things you need and have to buy each month, and you two have to stick on it. But I could see that money is not the only major problem in your family now. I don't mean to being rude, but seems like there is no trust and honesty in your family (I don't mean to judge your family with this).
Big hug for you pumpkin :grouphug:

laisbojar83

I didnt want to read and run..

I am sorry for your situation, marriage IS a complicated thing and with the rush of busy life and worries about money it seems to make everything far worse.

As others have said, dont give up DFW route but try a different approach.

You together made the decisions, He shouldnt blame you and you shouldnt blame yourself either.

I hope you both can figure this out and move on.

Good Luck Pumpkin Pie x Hugs x

L x

Mowgli87

So... you blew up and had a massive argument that has led you to rethink your relationship... because he didnt tell you that he bought a packet of crisp?
What did you want him to do? Report to you the second he got in from work that he has spent 40p? I appreciate there are underlying issues... but seriously, priorities. Not telling you he spent 40p is NOT grounds for divorce OR being deceiptful/hiding things from you!!!

Its great youre trying to live the DFW, but i think you need to take it just a little less seriously otherwise you will be debt free and alone if youre going to consider leaving your hubby over things so trivial!

Apolgies if I offend you... but I really felt someone needed to be honest rather than continue to fuel the drama!!

stqueen

Mowgli87 wrote: »

So... you blew up and had a massive argument that has led you to rethink your relationship... because he didnt tell you that he bought a packet of crisp?
What did you want him to do? Report to you the second he got in from work that he has spent 40p? I appreciate there are underlying issues... but seriously, priorities. Not telling you he spent 40p is NOT grounds for divorce OR being deceiptful/hiding things from you!!!

Its great youre trying to live the DFW, but i think you need to take it just a little less seriously otherwise you will be debt free and alone if youre going to consider leaving your hubby over things so trivial!

Apolgies if I offend you... but I really felt someone needed to be honest rather than continue to fuel the drama!!

I think Pumpkin Pie has already stated there are underlying issues in their relationship that led to this particular falling out, rather than it actually being over a bag of crisps! As with most arguments, the 'cause' is not the real cause - there is something bigger behind it.

Having said that, it is a very difficult shift to make when setting out on the DFW journey - going from spend, spend, spend to looking after every penny (particularly when you havent fully had your LBM, which is sounds as if your DH hasn't yet had!). I admire your tenacity, and don't give up - believe others when it is said that there is no greater feeling than being debt free.

Good luck with whatever you decide OP

xx

skintandscared_2

I think that the issues are definitely more than just about spending a couple of quid on crisps. As you yourself admitted, you overspent on unnecessary things for the house because you wanted it to look nice but you didn't really need them. If I were your husband I'd be thinking "if she can spend money on all that stuff, what's wrong with spending £2 on crisps?" Your issues about him spending AREN'T about him spending... Sounds like it's more to do with him not doing what you want, the way you want, and keeping something secret - which only reminds you what happened all those years ago.

Have you had an honest chat with him about what is worrying you? Maybe Relate is the way to go, to deal with the cheating thing that you clearly haven't dealt with thoroughly enough yet in your own mind. It's a huge betrayal, but he clearly regrets it or surely he would have left when it happened? I really hope you can find a way to get through this and be happy again.