family wedding woes...

littlecat29

So, step mum today says that she has decided it is best and in everyones interest that she doesn't attend my wedding with my dad as she cant be in the same room as my brother.
Brother and dad haven't spoken for 6 months or so following an almighty fall out which has now resulted in brother getting things off his chest in a letter to my dad but decided to also insult my step mum and her family and when i say insult them im actually being very kind!
I dont get involved in their fall out as there's 2 sides to every story and i personally think they are both at fault although i feel very saddened by the fall out.
Deep down i have had concerns about how the day would pan out knowing abt this feud... but i still want my step mum there, she has never done me any harm and im gutted that she has made this decision just because of my brother.
Then later today, gran phones and asks if her son (my uncle) can come to my 'small, intimate close family wedding' so i said no, he doesnt fit into close family remit and i havent seen him for 10 years since my mums funeral. She rings off in a right strop with me saying she may not be able to make it now herself...
Then the phone rings again and its my brother who rants at me abt not inviting 'uncle' and it would make gran happy etc, he said i should forget the past (uncle and mum didn't speak for over 10 years and only made up just before her death) and family is family. This from the man who hasnt spoken to his own father in 6 months!!.
I tried explaining that we were having a small close family wedding and it was our decision not to expand invites to a wider circle of which he does know this fact and hasnt had a problem before knowing full well who was on the guest list.

Phone call from brother resulted in a full scale argument and im now sat here in tears that this has happened...

thanks for listening

little cat

mummymandy

you poor thing! my heart goes out to you in this predicament.
My sister was in the same boat, she ran off to get married and didn't invite anyone.
Could you take your dad and stepmother out for a nice meal, and then your brother on a different day close to the wedding so they all feel part of your special day?
could your stepmother help you choose your dress?
I would rather have dad and stepmother there than brother,
otherwise brother will have to promise to keep the peace.
Best of luck xxx

skylight

((hugs))

Family eh?


I have nothing to say really; no easy answers to it all. My Mum and grandparents nearly didn't attend my wedding as I didn't want stepdad there as he was a drunk. I had to give in; but give him his dues, he realised how close things had come to no-one going and it was his fault, so he managed to dry out for a few days and was able to keep it together on the day.


It is your day. Thats what everyone says, isn't it? But one of the biggest reasons for fall-outs.

Any chance of seeing your Nan face to face in a few days time? Perhaps she lives far away and your uncle was going to give her a lft? Bear in mind that your Uncle is her son (I assume?) so therefore she will have more of an alliance with him so you'll have to tread carefully. But I feel that your wedding shouldn't be the time nor place for family reconciliations.

I can understand your stepmums POV. Being a SM myself, its difficult. The love is there but the blood isn't. Perhaps she feels its her way to try to keep the peace. Perhaps your Dad needs to step in too and hold out an olive branch??

And wrote down what you want to say to your brother. Carefully over a few days so you can get the sentiment right and either tell him or send it to him. Its not his place to be shoving his nose in! Either be a brother and back you up or back off.

See. And here's me who said I had nothing to say!!

littlecat29

its just so difficult, i want the people we love who we're closest too to be there and its terrible that stepmum feels she cant be there. I havent told my brother abt her decision as he will twist it into instead of her being thoughtful about our day and not wanting to cause any stress to my brother he'll turn it in to that her and my dad are trying to make him look like the bad guy..
apart from that before i had chance to tell him earlier on the phone he was too busy hanging up on me for not inviting uncle..

McKneff

Perhaps brother may not now come so it paves the way for dad and sm, not ideal but ................

Its a shame that families feud like this when innocent people stuck in the middle are the ones who do the suffering.

Tell your brother nothing he doesnt need to know and he doesnt deserve to know

nearlyrich

If they can't all behave like adults for your special day it's very sad.. I hope they all grow up and realise it's not all about them.

littlecat29

Thank you all for your kind replies - yes it is our day and i always thought it was a priviledge to be invited to a wedding and not a request let alone an assumption..
gran lives north, uncle lives south and we're in the middle so i dont think its abt gran getting a lift, she was originally going to be staying at my brothers house for the night before and night of the wedding.

i felt like saying to brother that when he gets married himself he can invite who he likes but thought better of it.
Families eh???!

jenhug

I think i'd sit down, and write them all the same letter. Tell them what each one has said and done, and how this is now affecting you. If I were one of them i'd be feeling bl**dy ashamed of myself. If that doesn't help, then go and get married with the few that are prepared to put you first. xx

Rose1960

I understand completely - my dad has refused to come to my wedding just because i wanted to drive part of the journey to the church with my step dad and pick him up after and my grandad is not coming also as he can't face my mum due to a family secret that came out at a recent gathering. After a lot of tears I'm past it now, and at the end of the day their the ones that are gonna miss out!

Hope your ok and don't let it get to you!

trinity_enigma

God this reminds me of my family! I really feel for you- its so hard to be stuck in the middle!

Two days after we got engaged my Dad came round to our house without my stepmother because he wanted to talk to us without her there as she(!) might find it upsetting. Basically he and SM thought that if my mum was involved in the wedding then SM wouldn't be (and implied neither would my dad). My mum has been quite ill most of my life and lives in a care home and suffers with MS and also a type of dementia and my dad has alway really been both of my parents iyswim? And so there was no competition when it came down to it, but I would really have liked to have decided about mum myself with my OH and not have my hand forced.

Then the other day I was talking about guest list with dad and mentioned I was unsure of whether to invite aunts and uncles from mums side of the family as haven't seen them in years- his response was that I have quite limited nos for venue I really want and that answered the question. In the next sentence I suggested inviting SM's daughter and grandchild (in the spirit of trying to keep her happy and weddings being family affairs and all that- always trying to please me!) who I have never met!!! And apparently thats a lovely idea. Grrrrr!!!!

Sorry seemed to have hijacked your thread for my own venting. What I really meant to say is that you can't please everybody and it really comes down to what you want- to have all the people you want there or to avoid arguments (I personally avoid arguments whenever I can). Not sure how long it is until your wedding but you may have time to get this all sorted out- good luck!!

Debbiecatal

I feel for you - my brother hasn't spoken to my sister for 12 years and Catherine hasn't seen him since she was a child as he estranged himself from the family, even though I never fell out with him I hardly ever heard from him and he didn't visit our parents often, in fact only once in the last 18 months although my dad was very ill.

Catherine said he was not going to be invited to her wedding, which was fine by me as I never saw him anyway. Unfortunately my father died 3 weeks ago, and my brother and sister made up and now he is trying to be friends with us all again.

Catherine is still adamant he will not come to her wedding as she says he hasn't seen her since she was about 10 and only ever shouted at her when he did speak to her (my brother is not good with kids). My mum and sister have now gone on at me that it is a shame he will not be invited. I have told them it is nothing to do with me, it is Catherine's wedding and her day, but they have made me feel really awkward. They want me to raise it with Catherine, but I keep saying it is nothing to do with me. If they feel they want him there, they can raise it - but should I ask her if she will change her mind to keep the peace - I don't know!

So I know exactly how you feel and how difficult these things can be. All I can say is have your wedding, your way and ask people to respect the fact that it is YOUR wedding, no one else's.

Good luck

Debbie