Looking for my dad

make_me_wise

DebtHater wrote: »

Things are pretty tough at the moment, I'm not on talking terms with my mother and I am not really happy in myself. I suppose I was just hoping to find someone who would be apart of my life. But then again, it was him that run away so maybe that says it all.

I am glad that you said it before I did. It was what I was thinking whilst reading your post. I can really understand the desire to find your dad. How much help he would be to you now and how willing to offer support is questionable.

I dont like to speak ill of someone I dont know but he walked away from you once, didn't try to maintain any level of contact or want to be there for you. Not the type of person Id be turning to in an hour of need. It could cause you more harm than good.

abacus73

Just wanted to send a big ((((hug)))). Its really tough when you are going through a hard time and want people to turn to. I do agree with other posters who have said that as much as you may need to see him, contacting your dad right now may not be a great idea. That must be a very sad thing to hear as like you have mentioned all your friends say about turning to their dads.

However you decide to proceed with this OP I wish you luck with it and I hope you get the outcome you are hoping for.

Grassy_Knollington

make_me_wise wrote: »

I dont like to speak ill of someone I dont know but he walked away from you once, didn't try to maintain any level of contact or want to be there for you. Not the type of person Id be turning to in an hour of need. It could cause you more harm than good.

If your dad is anything like me, he would be over the moon to hear from you. There may be a 1000 reasons why he never contacted you. I found out the money was kept, the cards ditched only recently.

Not a day goes by where I don’t think of my two girls. I last saw them in 1994 when I was granted an hours visit by the court. (I walked 14 miles that day between my ex-home and train stations (7 miles each way). Then a couple more hours back to Plymouth and my ship.

I spent 20k in court fees and I never saw them again. I am not going in to the why’s and wherefores because it would all sound like sour grapes.

The law of the land allowed an adulterer to take everything I had worked for away from me. She took the lot, including the children.

Their Nan, Aunties, Uncles and I never forgot them, and sent cards / gifts every year without fail on their Birthdays & Christmas. (I’m still doing it now, and my eldest is 24 years old)! I have never received a thank you, but I do believe my mum and sister have now and again.

So yes, I do hope you find your dad, and he too kept you close. Good luck.

zaksmum

When my daughter in law found her dad after he left her as a baby, he stole money from her before he disappeared again.

She's never bothered since.

Mrs_P_Pincher

Good advice from everyone about being very careful here, but if you are determined to give this a go, PM me the full name and DOB and I will see what I can find out for you.

Mrs P P

make_me_wise

Grassy Knollington - your post really made me think. I am going to see things in a far less black and white way, re dads and the contact they have with their kids, from now on. As your story shows there are all kind of reasons why contact doesn't take place over a number of years. OP I hope when you find your dad he will be one of the good guys.

DebtHater

Mrs_P_Pincher wrote: »

Good advice from everyone about being very careful here, but if you are determined to give this a go, PM me the full name and DOB and I will see what I can find out for you.

Mrs P P

I have PM'ed you

Thankyou everyone for the kind words. I was hoping someone might be able to recommend where else I could look? I have done the obvious things, social networks, google, etc and havent really found alot.

3v3

DebtHater wrote: »

People I know are always saying how they can rely on their dad and I have never been able to say things like that. I just want to have a relationship with my dad.

Things are pretty tough at the moment, I'm not on talking terms with my mother and I am not really happy in myself. I suppose I was just hoping to find someone who would be apart of my life. But then again, it was him that run away so maybe that says it all.

Ok, the people you know, who are always saying how they can rely on their Dad ... are their Dad's seperated from their Mothers? How long ago was it that they saw their fathers? You can't compare with others perceptions and experiences, unless they bare a resemblance to your own circumstances.

In addition to the frank post by Grassy Knollington (offering you a point of view from "the other side" of the situation), I would like to add this: I'm guessing you were very young when you lost contact with your father? So, the only perception you have of your parents relationship would be from the point of view of your Mum? The same woman who you now find yourself estranged from? The point I'm making is, there are two sides to every story: your Mum's, and your Dad's Now, your mother could have been telling you the truth - he ran away/wasn't interested/didn't care/whatever. Or, perhaps, her emotions at that time interpreted events with a sense of bias? I don't know either way.

What I *do* know is this: whether you grow up without a father because he is "absent" through choice (Hobson's or otherwise), or absent through death (as mine was), I truly understand the yearning for the "Dad who can be relied upon". But, as a mature person, with a smidgen of life experience to draw upon, I know we can sometimes fall in love with the *potential*; or, put another way, the fairy tale image we create for ourselves of this wonderful person who will save and protect us from all of lifes miseries and misfortunes. And that can be far removed from the reality.

Do consider how you would feel to discover him, he's delighted but he has another family, maybe another daughter (?). Would you envy the time she shared having him around while she grew up, when you did not? Would you forever be making comparisons between her life and yours? Maybe your father went on to make something wonderful with his life; maybe his own life went sour and he became less than you hope for? No one knows for certain (and maybe only finding him will give you the answers) but that is why I urge you to really think hard about how much you expect from finding him and can you actually cope if a) it's not as wonderful as you'd hoped for; b) he totally rejects you; c) it all begins great/wonderful/fantastic ... but, then degenerates into a further seperation/break down in the relationship?

Maybe, just maybe, of the people you contacted on FB, one of them *is* your father. Maybe, its a shock for him and *he* doesn't know what to do for the best? Or, maybe, one of them is him and he doesn't want to open up old wounds?

There are just so many variables here, but your primary responsibility ... is to yourself! You are vulnerable right now and I just feel that you need to be in a position of strength, confidence, with a strong sense of self-worth when you undertake something as big as this. If it all goes very well - woohoo! - that would be amazingly fantastic; but, if it doesn't go well ... that could be tragic!

Do it when you are strong Do it when you can handle *all* the possible outcomes! Never do it because you crave what other people have in their relationships, coupled with your current personal troubles.

Above all, remember this: if you should find him (despite the potential pitfalls) and if it shouldn't quite meet the dream you have ... don't beat yourself up over it

patchwork_cat

After 192.com, ancestry.co.uk may have some info, too. Facebook is a good one to try too.