CSA- OH struggling

Bloomin_Freezing2

I meant to add in about the 5.00 weekly, as my husbnad was on JSA he was only getting 100 per week, and we have 2 children to feed and bills that needed to be paid, so unless the csa were going to get their fingers out and take it, it needed to be spent elsewhere!!

Spring_Time

It seems like the mum has been pretty naughty! Taking money off him for this that and the other thing whilst he was also paying CSA? Is she on benefits? Surely she should be accountable to the CSA to for doing that, especially if she is on benefits?

If I was you and I know this is a toughie but I would suggest to him he stops the monthly mobile bill paying, the school trip he has most likely paid already...( our big one this year was £200 to! Bah! lol) music lessons and other bits and keeps his payments strictly on CSA terms. Its absolute carp for the daughter But he NEEDS the mum on side in this and if her supply of cash/help dries up she may be more inclined to help. Of course if he is not paying csa now then he should support his daughter in other ways but I don't think he should be doing both. Also make sure the CSA knows with the help of the mum how often his daughter stays with her dad at his house. I am so vocal against non paying dads and "new" step mums or dads who resent that there are other children to pay for as someone very close to me has gone through this but in this instance it does not seem to be the case. I wish you lots of luck.

Spring_Time

Bloomin_Freezing2 wrote: »

I meant to add in about the 5.00 weekly, as my husbnad was on JSA he was only getting 100 per week, and we have 2 children to feed and bills that needed to be paid, so unless the csa were going to get their fingers out and take it, it needed to be spent elsewhere!!

So instead of taking 2 secs to pop it in a pot or similar you guys took that childs money and spent it elsewhere? Nice.

So you DID have the £400 they came chasing for...but you spent it. So now he has to pay it and I hope he does! Your 2 children are no more important then his other children and he should of taken steps even with just a fiver to make sure he paid their dues. Sorry, no sympathy,

duchy

Sounds like he needs to look very carefully at how much he is paying and what he can afford. If he is paying support through the CSA then there is no legal obligation to pay his ex anything else for the child's regualr bills -so perhaps he should stop until the arrears matter is sorted out. Not to say he can't buy her the odd gift but if he's paying out so much he can't afford to clear the arrears as well-well the arrears need to take priority. He may WANT to buy her new clothes etc but if he can't afford it and it's to the detriment of his other children -he needs to stop until the situation is back under control.

Once it is sorted perhaps you both need to sit down and work out what he can afford to spend on the non resident child as extra to the CSA payments-TBH it sounds like he's paying guilt money as he feels bad he doesn't live with her and trying to make up in other ways so doesn't want to say no to whatever she wants.

londoner1998

duchy wrote: »

-TBH it sounds like he's paying guilt money as he feels bad he doesn't live with her and trying to make up in other ways so doesn't want to say no to whatever she wants.

Duchy, you nailed it. He never has not contributed. BUt the relationship with the mum has been strained, to put it in a diplomatic way. He does feel guilty he is not seeing her more (espcially now that she is older and spends time with friends, etc) and has gone out of his way to get her a mobile phone, the music lessons, the lot... I warned him in the past this was not sustainable and I agree, he needs to understand he can only pay what he can afford.

He is stuck with the mobile phone becaseu she was very naughty last month and he confiscated it... but can't get out of the contract, so there it is, money wasted. The gym, ditto- spent the last copel of weekend with mummy, so didn't go. That he can cancel.
The problem is hat his ex is not supportive of him and has milked him for all she could... and uses the child against him-she got the mobile phone confiscated for shouting at him' you have no money, I am richer than you are and I do what I want'. And the ex texts often saying 'I need more money' (just this morning I saw a text... he said 'i have already paid you, what else do you want??')

He is being driven around the bent. But I will try and talk to him and see if i can get him to take control and get this mess sorted. He struggles with this as he feels powerless- but I know he has done nothing wrong, if anything, being too good and accomodating to the ex (just to avoid an earful).

Thanks all for the good advice- I suffer seeing him so upset

RAS

londoner1998 wrote: »

I think he is under a lot of pressure becasue his ex keeps asking for money for this , that and the other. I agree that ignoring the problem won't go away.

He has to stop paying these extras; be very direct and say, I have £400 arrears with the CSa, so there are no more extras until that is paid up

londoner1998 wrote: »

RE: expenses- the latest schol trip was £200. The mobile phone he pays for monthly, and does the gym (to which she has stopped going). Also the DS , the music lessons and clothes- lots of clothes.

Well he is stupid then; he needs to pay off his CSA arrears, and stop paying the extras, because they will eventaully take 40 percent of his income to pay the arrears/

londoner1998 wrote: »

I am going to suggest to him he speaks to his ex reagrding an agreement to bypass the CSA (although I doubt she will be cooperative)- I also think having impartial advice and get someone to mediate might help. But the most important thing is that he checks what he really owes (it sounds like a lot to me) and getsit in writing he is happy to negotiate a monthly amount that is doable for him. He can't pay what he doesn't have.

The problem is that he has got the money; just he is wasting it paying for clothes and phones instead of sorting out the CSA.

Do note that even if he went to a informal agreement tomorrow, the CSa will still be on his back regarding the arrears. They will not go away.