What to do ?

needhelpbadly

I have been with OH through thick and thin for 20 years and the bloke is a grafter he has always worked hard all his life . We have a son who is 18 and off to uni in sept.
In 2007 my dad left me is bungalow and 30k , hubs is a builder and we totally refurbed it .
Now hubs is a bit stupid were people are concerned he wont have it that a majority of people are users and it has shown to be true by the people he employed who did eff all and pretended to be his friends.
Subsequently since 2007 I have remortgage twice (he started another little business as well was put in my name ) to get him out of the !!!!! . I told him to get rid of the idiots but he wouldnt listen and it caused rows .
He then made a clean slate got rid of them and got another friend in who after a year did the same thing, we have now anthor 70 k debt through loans and credit cards . plus the 100k remortgage.
He is starting yet another business as the building is non existant at the mo and is just about paying the bills.
We row constantly as he is just burying his head in the sand . He wont take any advice from the accountant , glosses over stuff with everyone and says we are better off than most.
We have no savings I dont work as I am partailly sighted and my eyes are getting worse.
He has shut me off completley and the only way I can get through to him is buy rowing which I so dont want to do . I told him to leave sat as he is always not here , he is up the workshop silly hours and is terrible at managing time , too busy helping out others than being with his family.
He will talk breifly with his son , never seeking him out. He wanted son to work with him but son has his head screwed on and sees his dad making one mistake after another.
I feel my stomach torn out and so unhappy . I feel I want to walk away as he is just on a downhill spiral and wont listen.
I have 4 dogs that I love dearly and to be honest Im only staying for their sake as I wont be able to rent with that amount of animals and the fact I have no job , no money and was told by debt line all his debts are mine.
I have no family and no firends who I can trust . Im so lonely.
Sorry for spelling mistakes , what can I do ?

make_me_wise

This is obviously causing you alot of anxiety and stress.

The way I see it is that you are with a decent bloke who would do anything for anyone and likes to see the best in people, somewhat naively at times. They are his good traits.

Then there is the other side of the coin with him in that he doesn't have alot (if any) financial savvy. It can be damm exhausting and demoralising being the partner of a person like this. In some ways almost like you live with a child who leaves you to be responsible for financially getting through, whilst they carry on oblivious to your worries.

I can see how you feel trapped which would add to your irritation with him and question whether you still want to be with him. If your relationship is good in every other way but financially then it is worth keeping. Somehow you need to make him see the light over all this and address the debts. It can be sorted out but it is going to take the two of you to thrash it out and contact the appropriate organisations.

He is a business man. Lay it on the table to him what you both stand to lose if things carry on as they are. Most people, when faced with committing financial suicide, step back, re-evaluate and take a different approach.

Good luck OP, I hope you both work it out.

needhelpbadly

Thank you " make me wise " for your reply . I did lay it on the table a few weeks back and that was the start of all the agro.
He just wont listen ..... and shutting me out and shutting down on our relationship isnt helping (he comes from a cold unemotional family ) . I do love him very much , but there comes a time when I think " what about me , im indoors all day on my own cant drive anymore only the dogs as company .. and he is out to ten oclock , hiding down his yard telling me he has stuff to do , to get on the web , sell etc and it s all time wasting , instead of adressing what needs to be done in the real terms of his business.

BitterAndTwisted

Four years ago you owned a property outright and had £30k cash in the bank. Now you have £170k in debts and he's not worried? Perhaps the threat of homelessness and bankruptcy might concentrate his mind. He's either on another planet or he's mentally unwell.

needhelpbadly

You know something Bitter , I have been thinking that as well . He had a break down in 2000 and drank heavily and had an affair with a so called friend of mine.
He said I need to go to the docs as he thinks im depressed as I keep on crying all the time .

BitterAndTwisted

He's previously had an affair with a so-called friend. He's away from home in his "workshop" silly hours. And money is going through your fingers like water.

Take any steps necessary to prevent him from spending another penny of money you haven't got!

CH27

I'd see a Solicitor & look to protect your own interests.

needhelpbadly

I have spoke to the debt line and as he has been paying the mortgage he has as they say " an interest in the property " so the debtors would chase us both if he became Bankrupt .
He wont sell and clear everything as he said he got into the mess and he needs to get out of it .
He isnt having an affair im sure as I know where the money has gone .
I feel unloyal about going to see a solicitor as untill recentley we were so close .
Thankyou all for your opinions they may not be want I want to here lol but I need to think this through seriously and your suggestions are a much needed breath of fresh air. x

CH27

What is your son's opinion on the whole situation?

needhelpbadly

He is very upset and thinks his dad is an idiot to be honest . He loves him as a son loves his dad but he thinks he needs to take stock. He cant wait till he goes to uni to be honest .