In a quandry and need some helpful advice

RainbowChild_2

Hi as the title says I am in a bit of a puddle.....This may turn into a long ramble so I apologise in advance and thanks for reading

10 years ago I divorced the Father of my kids after he beat me several times and moved back to my home town. Despite being a single Mum I was able to turn my life around and get back to work. I was teaching and moved into a council house in 2004 I went on to buy it in my sole name in 2005. I met my partner in 2006 who was going through a divorce and bankruptcy, I did all the paperwork for him. He moved 300 miles to come and live with us. I started to get into huge debts at the rate of £1k a month :eek: as he wasn't working but enjoyed drinking and smoking. He always cleaned the house while I was at work and has decorated etc. In 5 years of being together he has worked for approx..11months.

I have bipolar disorder and had a major breakdown 2 years ago following a family trauma...this resulted in me having to give up work and I have not yet fully recovered. He was more than happy being my carer and claiming income support BUT I'm not and want to get back to work. He doesn't have any patience for my wayward teenagers although he isn't fundamentally bad. Because I am getting better I want to regain my independence and he doesn't like it...I left at Easter but returned a couple of days later as the message wasn't getting through......I wish I had stuck to my guns....We had words about my DD this morning so I asked him to leave once again and he just laughed, went to the shop and returned with flowers...he hates his own company but I need some space.

The debt has now reached £20k I have a possession order on the house but have an arrangement in place......

I don't know if I should try to keep the house and set up a plan to try and pay the debts - my mortgage is only £380pm OR sell the house, pay off the debts and private rent with a clean slate??????

Also, I have told him that I NEED to be on my own to recover but he says things like you'll be dead in a month without me, he controls my meds (I made 5 suicide attempts when I first had the breakdown) and I can't remember the last time I went anywhere without him...he grumbles when we go to see my Dad who has Parkinsons Disease and Cancer.

He says he has nowhere to go but I think it's time his meal ticket was withdrawn.....

What would you advise and how???

BitterAndTwisted

Ask him to leave and give him a deadline. If he doesn't go just pack his bags and change the locks.

abacus73

I cant help but think you would be better off without him. It honestly sounds to me like you were doing really well for yourself till he came into your life. Since then he seems intent on dragging you down with him. 1K per month is an awful lot of debt to have gotten into.

I have no personal experience of bi-polar but is it necessary for him to control your meds. That sounds risky to me. He seems to have his interests at heart way ahead of yours.

I would try and see if you can hold onto the house and work out a payment plan to pay off the debt. Speak with CAB or go onto the Debt free part of this forum. There are lots of very knowledgeable people on there who could offer invaluable advice and support.

barbiedoll

You say that a "family trauma" preceded your breakdown but you sound traumatised now, simply because of OH and his problems.

Are you able to control your meds yourself? You sound very capable, you have coped on your own before, you have bought your own property and you have tackled your debts despite them being caused by him.

Don't be bullied or charmed by this loser, you know what to do. Get rid of him and start again. If you can possibly keep your house then do so, if the stress of paying bills and debts becomes too much then sell it. But it's definitely time his meal-ticket was withdrawn, (I love that phrase)

Good luck!

RainbowChild_2

Thanks for your replies and helping me realise that I know what I have to do......I will try and keep the house and work on a plan to get him to leave in the meantime

rachel6188

good luck hun. stay strong x

evansmummy

If you feel you need him out of your life you're half way there. He is using your illness as a reason to stay put and you need to make it clear to him you need to be on your own.
Good luck!

shy-but-need-help

I have BP too- what we as people living with BP is support, not just a person living in our house but support and he doesn't sound like he's done that in a long time.

You are very clearly going through a stage where you would cope without him- if you're genuinely worried about your meds could you ask one of your teens to help with reminders (or being charged with seeking help if you begin to refuse meds? My oldest is 13 and will remind me casually to take them if she thinks DH has forgot to remind me, she is also aware of who to phone if necessary to get me help)

He sounds like he's trying to hold you back from recovery.