Advice - Anyone not seen a parent since they were a child?

BaileyB

Hi looking for a little help and advice of you wonderful people

My mum and dad split when i was around 5 years old. Now i moved away when i was 9 years old (but only 30 miles away).

Now my mum was hit by my dad (dont know the whole story, and dont want to ask my mum incase it brings back things). But i know that i havent seen my real dad since i was 9 years old. I have seen him once since then when i was out with my Brother (about 8 yrs ago). Now my brother has seen him a few times since (now as my Brother lives in london and i think he did have a few money problems years ago i think thats why he contacted my real dad. But not really sure, and not really close with my Brother as he lives in London. (I live 300 miles away)

My Mum has never stopped me going to see my Dad or writing to him if i wish. Now my mum remarried when i was 11 and been brought up by her and my step dad since. (Also have a half brother and sister now). I now have a fiancee' and live in my own home, and no kids (am 27 btw)

But ever since i've moved away he (my real dad) has always sent me a birthday and christmas card every year(now my birthday and xmas are 3 weeks apart) and also sends me money in each card.

Now over the last few years been thinking about sending him a letter to say thank you for the christmas/birthday card etc. But i'm not ready to see him yet and i know that my mum's side of the family would not like him showing up at my wedding etc (that will not happen anyway).

So has anyone here contacted their mum/dad after such a long time. I know that me and my brother are his only children and dont know much more. But maybe he is a diffrent man now i dont know?

Sorry if none of this makes sence, just typing as it pops in my head

EthelBloggs

I've not seen/heard from my dad since I was 8 years old. I've heard thru the grapevine that he actually lives about 3 miles from me but I've never made contact with him.. not sure I'd actually want to.

So no advice but lots of empathy *hugs*

Noctu

I'd say it's worth finding out.

I didn't know my dad existed (well, that he was still alive) until I was 11 - we got in contact and so began a turbulent relationship. We fell out many times with periods of no contact, and we eventually severed contact around 5 years ago (I'm 20 now).

I tried to contact him around 3 years ago but he fobbed me off - made out that he was interested, then never returned any of my calls and eventually had his number disconnected. It was hurtful for a while but my life is better without him.

However my experience is different in that I have never received a xmas/birthday card from him (apart from when we were talking).

I know it sounds cold and horrible but if you do decide to meet up with him again, don't put your heart into it until you're sure things have a good chance of working out.

Just my 2p.
Good luck!
Rach

brindles01

It's amazing how parents can dismiss their offspring so blithely. I have no contact with either of my parents (through no fault of my own, and I can put my hand on heart/bible for that) and with kids of my own I could never see the day when I would want to cut them out of my life. I do think of them on a regular basis but I am not so sure of their thoughts towards me. My whole family mother, father and 2 sisters are in complete dysfunction and I really, really don't understand how it has arrived at this. It does grieve me but I get on with my own life knowing that there is 'something' missing. I think Mr Kennedy you have to go with you own instincts on this one and only you will know when the time is right, if ever.

conradmum

My mum severed contact with my dad when I was about 13, but we'd only really had intermittent contact from when I was about 5. He managed to find my brother and I when I was about 28. It was a real shock at the time because I hadn't known if he was alive or dead. Quite a pleasant shock, though, in the sense that I knew he cared.
I managed to see him a couple of times in the next few years (he lived in another country) and we wrote to each other. Then he died.
I would say contact your father. You only have one and it's interesting to get to know them as a person. I could see that I'd inherited some of my characteristics from my dad. We could never be close as we hadn't had the opportunity to build a relationship as a child, but I don't regret establishing contact again. No matter what happens, you will at least have tried. If you don't, you'll probably regret it. It may upset your mother and her family but you're an adult now and they can't reasonably expect you to live your life to please them.

MegS

I didn't see my biological Dad for 20 years, he gave me up for adoption when my mum remarried. I decided to track him down and met up with him. He was with the same woman as when I was 4. He was all over me, saying he wished I had stayed in touch etc etc. Him and my stepmonster (I blame her for most of what happened next) didn't lose an opportunity of telling me how awful my mum was and what a cow she was, now bearing in mind my mum had cancer at the time and throughout the years had never said a bad word against my biological Dad just that they had married too young and she got pregnant and married for the wrong reasons I thought they had a cheek. They kept telling me how my mum destroyed my Dad when she left etc etc without even mentioning that he was shagging everything that moved (not that my Mum told me this, it was her sisters and my nan, I later read her diaries when she died). I feel very bitter that he was saying all of this stuff when he was hardly perfect himself. My mum later died and still the stepmonster was calling her all the names under the sun. I got so sick of it I never got back in touch (made easier because I lived about 300 miles away). The moral of the story I think is that don't expect too much. If it works out well then enjoy it and be happy but don't expect too much of a fairy tale. My mum never condemned me for getting in touch but just said I had to find out for myself. Proved one thing to me though - I hated my stepmonster when I was 4 when I last saw her and hated her even more for being such a !!!!! when I was 24, shows what good first judgment I have lol. If your dad has always sent birthday and christmas cards then surely that proves he still cares or he wouldn't have bothered?

BaileyB

Thanks for the advice so far.

Yes if he did'nt cared or think about me then he would stop sending me cards. He used to write a note aswell, but that has stopped over the last few years.

I know my mum would not mind, but i know there will never be a proper realtionship there or am i looking for one.

Just as i'm older and wiser now think that if i was in that postion then it would be very hard to keep sending cards.

It's the domestic violence bit that i'm more worried about as i know he never hit me (not that i can remember). Also he was a idiot when my mum left him, threw all her things on the street.

But that was 15+ years ago maybe he regrets those things now.

lorientgirl

My mum and dad split up when i was very young. My mum was a bitbitterabout this and did not encourage any contact but I did meet him at my sister's wedding and kept in contact in a haphazard sort of way. I know that when I saw him before he died he regretted that we hadn't been closer and was glad to be able to make his peace with me. I was glad for that too.
Your Dad shouldn't have done what he did but he may regret it now and made an effort to remember the important dates. He can never make up for not being there for the little things or for what he did to your mum but you may be able to have a reasonable relationship and you will always be able to say that you made the effort and did it on your terms. Just don't blame yourself if it doesn't work out . Good luck

Doozergirl

My father hit my mum and I haven't seen him since I was four. I made contact with my grandmother when I was 17 and he telephoned me. That experience was a disappointment, to say the least!

But I'm glad I did it because otherwise I just wouldn't know so, for you, I think it's worth making contact, but just take it slowly.

I was completely overwhelmed when I visited my grandmother as she invited the entire extended family which was just mindblowingly overwhelming at the time. I couldn't really cope with it.

melaniec_2

My Dad left when I was four and apart from a few visits initally I didn't see him untill I was nearly 17.

Having a relationship in these circumstances hasn't been easy but we are now very close.

As you Dad has been sending you Christmas and Birthday card/money for a number of years it might be nice to send a thank you note and just say I'm sure I'm ready for any more yet. May be you could have a relationship by letter for a while to test the water.

When I was in school one of my dreams was to meet my Dad now I help run his business.

Good luck