DFW effects on family

judi24

Hi all
I have been viewing andoccasionally posting on this site fora few months now and havetaken on baord many of the tips offered by the expert DFW's, but in recent weeks things just seem to be getting out of control again!

I don't mind if no-one responds to this. I just think I need to gather my thoughts in an attempt to regain my focus.

I live with my OH and 4 children aged between 2 and 15. My OH and I both work full time. I have recently completed a masters degree and statred a new job with a better pay and an even better pay when I start on night shift in Feb.

Our combined debt in August was just over £21000 mostly on CC's.
Now we owe £1550 all on 0% at present.

My OH and I are both serious spendaholics and love to go mad a Christmas (often on CC's). This year I set us a budget for everyone's gifts and have really struggled to stick to this, especially with the kids.

I have been very focussed with getting debt free. My OH proclaims to support me but takes little or no responsibility for our finanaces.

I am worried taht I am putting too much pressure on my family in order to get debt free. My 13 yo daughter told me she was supposed to have material for a DT project last week but didn't want to ask cos of the money.

I am really struggling with balancing the feeling that the children are only young once and I am not doing things with them cos of the money with the desire to be debt free.

My house is like a war zone at the moment - everyone seems to be ateach other. I part I balme myself cos i work full time and my new job is about an hour away. Butatthe same time I think if we could get debtfree quickly I could potentially reduce my hours a bit and get a better work/life balance.

Does anyone else ever feel like this?


Sorry I'll stop whinging now!

tinkerbell212

Judi, I don't think there is anything wrong with your children realising what your situation is. Just because you have to be clever with money doesn't mean your children miss out. My mum had to raise 6 children on her own after my dad died. We never had the big gifts the other kids in school had and knew better then to ask for Nike trainers, we would get the equivalent of Primark. But looking back, I had a happy youth, we did a lot of things together as a family and I always appreciated all my mum did for us. Yeah, at the time, I would have possibly liked the newest of the newest, but that just wasn't the way it was. I'm not emotionally scarred by it and even better, once I will have kids I want them to have the same values as I have. Regarding your daughter, maybe you could tell her that in the future you will sit down with her and you can discuss together whether you can get something or not. I think you are teaching your children a very valuable lesson in life, probably one for which they will never have to go to a website like this one!!

sheryldoc

Just have a family meeting.. make them feel involved.. sumtimes kids feel left out and thats y they get annoied.. bcoz they dnt understand.. explain that once you clear your debt.. with your new job.. the future will be better for everyone.

Make a wee list of what is acceptable ie, stuff required for school, new shoes if your feet have grown 3 sizes (not b4 :P)..

if they dnt have already give them set amount of pocket money each week.. lil more if they help you out around house so its earned.. this in turn teaches them the value of money.. hopefully meaning they dnt end up in same state we all are in future..

End of day you and ur OH are the Bosses.. and you have to do what YOU fell is best... but always nice to included everyone else and make them aware of whats happening and why..x

haha soz if im rambling..x

georgiasmum

Op, I really understand your dilemma. I am debt free now but struggled for a long time and often said no....

Now I am trying to live by the same debt free principles and feel like I'm still saying no! My daughter is 7 and I want her to understand about money but I don't want her to fall into the 'we must be poor mentality' because she seems to assume this if I say no, or, not now or its too expensive.

Your daughter is older so sit her down and explain what you and your husband are trying to achieve. Tell her that school supplies are important and you will do your best to provide them (with enough notice- of course) but explain to her that what you are doing is for everyone's long term happiness and peace of mind.

Kids cope better than we give them credit for so have a chat to her! Best of luck with it all. PS LOTS of people feel like you do - especially me!!!!!!!!

gravitytolls

Gosh well done you.

I like Sheryl's idea of ahving a family meeting. Then you can basically tell them what you've told us, and reassure them all, that essential requirements should always be mentioned, and frivolity saved for Bdays and Christmas.

Once again, I'm dead impressed, you should be very proud of yourselves for ridding so much debt fromyour shoulders.

Smashing

Definitely talk to them and get everyone involved - perhaps explaining the different types of spending (needs vs wants) and where you are wanting to cut down.
Also as them what their worries are - it's amazing what conclusions they can come to. Are they worried about losing the house? Not having enough food? Make it an open discussion and an ongoing family project in terms of the little things - switching off lights, walking instead of driving etc.

raq

My little one came home the other day and said she wanted to go bowling with the dance class she's with and we just couldn't do it. Although I will be honest I didn't want her to go anyway. Just seems whenever dance class or comes out of school there is always letters asking for money. It makes me so depressed. Thankfully though she doesn't go off in a sulk and hopefully realises she can't have everything.

nearlyrich

I was brought up in a big family, my dad worked three jobs but there was never enough for luxuries just necessities and we sometimes had to wait for things we needed if someone else needed it more. I didn't bother giving my mum letters for school trips because there was no way they could afford it and I knew she thought we were missing out.

I don't think we did miss anything important, there are 6 of us, we all care about each other and look after each other, none of us has turned out to be materialistic although we all have decent jobs we have tried to bring our children up to value money and not just get everything they want.

I wouldn't worry too much about them scrapping either, I had my last fight with my sister the day before I moved out of the family home aged 22, she was 20.:o

Brassic

Aww, nearlyRich, that is really lovely about you not giving the school trip letters to your folks.

Op - don't worry, I feel exactly the same. As long as you *do* lots of stuff with them, i.e spend time with them, whether it's going on walks, playing games, or just sitting and doing their homework with them, you'll be fine. My elder 2 children (8 and 6) are very involved with the moneysaving side of things, and always keep a weather eye out for a bargain now adays! lol!

You'll all be fine - and well done for doing so well on your debt (and your Masters!) just keep focused on that DFD!

do_it_today!

I dont have any children yet and agree with op's about getting the kids involved and somehow creating abit of a team spirit about the whole thing and interacting together. maybe sitting down and discussing the whole game plan... the fact that if you work ft now and achieve ur aims very soon you wont have to work ft so much in the future. Encourage your children to still present needs and situations for consideration - there maybe just another way of finding the solution without involving or as much money as first thought. as an example last night I was thinking I need to buy/acquire some shears to cut brambles and barb wire down in my garden but dont want to buy full price shears - wilkinsons/lidls arent stocking garden tools at the mo - (out of season) So I asked myself where else how could I get some? so I sent an email last night out on freecycle website - as people often request as well as offer things on there for free.
Charity shops maybe or a boot fair - I'll let you know how I get on

Im trying get back into my signature so I can add

Where there is a will there is a way there is a way and I will find it

themaccas

Hi Judi, your post really struck a chord with me. Me and DH are also serious spendaholics and like to give our children everything we can. However this year has seen a complete change in our spending and it has helped getting our kids involoved right from the start. We have 3 and their gifts have been a lot cheaper this year and DH and I went from having a budget of £30 each this xmas to £10 and now it will probably be £0! However it is not easy and I appreciate how difficult it is. DH and I discuss money far more than we ever did before, look at how we can budget for future costs and I SHOW HIM the spreadsheets so he knows how much S**t we are in financially, we still owe a hefty amount even though we've paid off nearly £20K this year. That always brings him back to earth as all he often sees is that the debt is going down so we must have more money to spend - wrong!!!

You'll get there but it is not easy when you feel you have little support. I work 28 hours a week and have a long journey to get to work and wish I could reduce my hours. However I see that in the long term I will and that is what keeps me going. Well done for finishing your masters, I am trying to complete my BSc and will next May 07. It's tough trying to study, look after the family, work and keep on top of the debt, isn't it.
hugs