Should I keep contact with my father?

outonalimb

Firstly, this is not my usual name on here, and secondly please forgive me for the lengthy post.

To give you some history, my mother died some 14 years ago. Within 4 months of her dying, my dad had met someone else. Whilst I was pleased he wasnt going to spend the rest of his life on his own, it was also hard to accept someone else so soon and there has often been problems with his new wife. She is quite opinionated and happy to speak her mind (not unlike myself!) but perhaps it is a little inappropriate and unappriated at a time when support is needed (she told me I should stay with my ex husband as he did not cheat, hit me or drink).

She is also quite happy telling me how to bring up my children without ever offering any practical support.

I have 2 children and the eldest often stays over and is well thought of, the youngest doesnt even get a mention.

Although I think she is behind this, untimately my dad is at fault for being so spineless but I suppose it is easier to blame her.

Anyway, it has been a hard few years, I lost my son and have struggled to get by on my own. At the time of him being ill I was pregnant and my dad said to me at 20 weeks pregnant I should terminate as he couldnt handle the situation, but I continued with the pregnancy anyway.

Roll on a couple of years and we lose my brother to suicide. I have had no real involvement with the family. My dad, his wife, her son and partner and my brothers girlfriend organised the funeral, I had seen my dad once since the funeral which was in February (he only lives less than an hour away). I havent spoken to his wife since just before the funeral when she just said a few comments too many.

Before my brother died meals were arranged for everyone but me, I wasnt invited as I have children and they thought I wouldnt be able to come along ?!

Yesterday was my youngests birthday party, and my birthday was 2 days before that. My brothers girlfriend was invited but declined as it was her birthday too but she said she would not be feeling very sociable so soon after losing my brother which I fully understood. My dad came over but had to leave early as he was going out for a meal with friends. Again understandable.

Today was my brothers birthday, the first once since he had died and his girlfriend wanted everyone together to mark the occasion. My dads wife was not there as she was nursing a hangover as I found out they had all gone out for a meal the night before. So again, not only was I not invited (understandable as I dont get on with his wife), but he spent less time with his family and also lied to me. He also did nothing for my birthday and I guess I am feeling a little hurt and angry and at the stage where I am ready to say enough is enough.

There are so many instances where I dont get invited over (I did used to get on with his wife, but the comments and being excluded made me feel I couldnt be bothered with it any more).

I am torn between walking away and telling them how I feel but am so angry at the moment that I worry I will say somethings I will regret.

Sorry, not even sure if there is a question in there anywhere, think I just needed to get it all down.

Plans_all_plans

Why not tell your dad how you feel, trying to remain calm and see how you get on? It may work and things may change for the better, but if it goes wrong and all kicks off you can walk away?

ETA: while I can see why you're cross at their behaviour, I think you should express yourself to them before totally washing your hands of them. Also, could it be that with the loss of your brother and child you could still be grieving and every slight seems heightened to you? Try to get some support for your grief, whatever you decide to do about your family, I've heard the organisation CRUSE are good.

make_me_wise

Only you know deep down if your relationship with your dad is worth holding onto. Does knowing him and having him as part of your life make you happy or does it do more harm than good?

Bloomin_Freezing2

I know exactly how you feel. I have only seen my dad twice on his own in the last 10 years. One time being my wedding day, the other when he was emigrating to australia. He spends all his time with his wife and her kids and next to nothing with me or his grandchildren (my girls). He lives an hour or so away and can manage driving down to 2 miles from me to see his parents but can't come to mine too as it's 'too much of a drag for the youngest (monster)' He never tells me he's coming so I can't even call in nan and grandads. His wife has a huge part to play in this and I look forward to the day they separate, it's bound to happen, dad's a serial cheat.

For you though you have to decide what's more hurtful to you. Having your dad let you down so often and upsetting you, or letting go and getting over that. I've often thought i'd rather never see my dad again and deal with that upset than have him start letting down my girls the way he has me so many times.

xx

BitterAndTwisted

Maybe keeping a discrete distance for a while might make things clearer in your mind. Having it all tied up with your brother's death I think is a very complicating factor and it might do you good to keep your counsel and keep your distance. Telling people exactly how you feel when you're cross and upset might force things in a direction you may not want.

coffeemonster*123

i can understand how you're feeling, somewhat similar situation to myself a few years ago
No it's not a nice feeling to feel you're out of the circle....for me it was the distance, i was never invited to family do's because they thought it would be too far to come (it would have been nice to be asked though!)
It would be a real shame to be on bad terms with your dad. Even if he is a git.
Like the other poster suggested maybe give it time, you have been through alot.
Enjoy your own family x

CH27

I think you have a lot of conflicting emotions & you need to deal with each person individually rather than lumping them together as family.
Decide which relationships are worth saving & which are not.

Godd luck.

milliemonster

I can totally relate to how you are feeling, I lost my own mum 3 years ago and she and my dad had been together for 50 yrs, within months of my mum's death my dad was searching on the internet for someone new, flitted in and out of a few disastrous relationships and then moved in with the woman over the road.

Whilst I like this woman, it has been very hard to accept my dad with someone new so soon after my mum, he has changed beyond belief and in his own words now has a new family. He has cut ties with his son (my brother), sees my sister occasionally and even though I only live 1 mile away, I see him maybe once a month for 1/2 an hour is I'm lucky.

His partner has no children of her own but has an extended family and wide circle of friends and a very active social life which he is totally absorbed in now at the expense of his own family. Whilst I am happy he is happy and is keeping busy and having an active life in his autumn years, there have been many occasions when his partner has upset me over things she has said about my own children, innapropriate remarks etc and although they have now been together almost 2 years, I have found that I have had to let him go. I realise now I lost my dad when my mum died and he doesn't really want or need us anymore. He has his new life and has little time for us and I have stopped fighting.

I have had a few fall outs with my dad since he has been with his new partner but he has made it very clear she comes first therefore I know that there is no point discussing with him how I feel as this will just make him angry.

I have considered cutting ties with him myself, but as I have 2 children who do still like to see him, this makes this difficult for me, I don't want to influence them and want them to make their own choices as they grow up, however, they are frequently hurt as they used to see him on a regular basis but now they come second also to her family and friends.

So instead, I put on a pretend act when I see them, I pretend everything is fine and put up with the hurt for an easy life, as hard as this is for me I know neither of them will be here forever, my dad is almost 72, she is 86 or 87 (but very young!) I think.

Instead I just play the 'take it or leave it' game, I don't make an effort to see them anymore or include them in our lives and just occasionally call them or call round and pretend everything is hunkydory, rather than cutting all ties and causing more hurt. I have decided it's not worth it and just to pool my energies into my own family and our future now.

One thing though, I don't blame her at all, I blame my father for being spineless and not being more assertive in wanting to be involved with his own family.

I hope you can find some peace with your situation, I completely empathise with the not being invited over to gatherings etc, we have frequently been excluded also, but collectively as a family in favour of her friends and family, rather than as individuals, it hurts like hell I understand that, but only you can decide if your relationship is worth fighting for and if you do fight if you will get the outcome you desire or if you will just push him further away, in my case, I know I have already pushed my father away so have chosen to give up the fight.

Take care of yourself xx