Are you a young widow or widower?

Outpost

I'm 28. I lost my partner Jayne to cancer on New Year's Eve. It's so hard I can't describe it, I doubt anyone can really understand unless they've actually experienced it. The feeling of pointlessness of carrying on but knowing that you have to. The feeling of losing something so perfect. I've lost my best friend and soul mate.

People keep saying it'll get better, and she wouldn't want you to be miserable and you'll find someone else but it's all just words from people who don't and can't comprehend losing the person you love so much, watching them get worse and worse and eventually watch them take their last breath in a hospice. Everyone else's lives just carry on.

Even her sisters lives, although I completely understand that they've lost her as well, have stayed more or less the same day to day. Of course they miss her, but they have their own families and routines to keep them occupied. I'm not saying my grief is worse but I have nothing now other than my job. Friends have drifted away because I wasn't around at all during all her treatment because I had to concentrate solely on her.

Just want to talk to her so much tonight somehow.

whitewing

I am sorry for your loss, Outpost. My friend's husband died unexpectedly 3 years ago and it does seem weird how quickly the rest of the world moves on. I think of my friend dail but don't always say so. Sometimes I am scared of dragging her back into deep grief. I am sure your friends would be pleased to hear from you again. It may be slightly different than the friendship you had before.

mum2one

I've not been in the position, but I would suggest that when you feel you need to talk to your partner, maybe do it as a letter, then pop it safe in a box, do this each time.
Sometimes other people don't know how to handle grief, and they may step back and then know what to say, and then they feel the time has elasped, its all to easy.
maybe you could contact one of your friends, as I'm sure there be fully understanding, and I'm sure they'd be wanting to take the first step, but do not know what or how to say. x

bargainbetty

So talk to her. Tell her how much you miss her, how much you want to have her there with you, to shout at the telly or share a bag of peanuts. Talk to her picture, look out of the window, sit in her favourite chair or hug a pillow, but talk to her.

I lost my dad to cancer, and it is the most hideous, hateful disease that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. I watched my mum shatter into pieces at the moment he died in her arms, and it took a long, long time before she really smiled again, much less laughed or even thought about creating a life without him. She has given up pretty much everything to care for him, and many friends did drift away, but the ones that truly mattered came back. It took time, and she had to reach out to them in some cases, but most of them just didn't have a clue how to deal with her grief. The raw, hollow howling in my chest destroyed any sense of joy I had for longer than I believed possible, so I cannot begin to imagine what she felt.

Now, my mum has a rich, fulfilling life. She holidays with friends and vists long-distant family, while trying to learn languages and then finding another holiday to practice them on. Her 70th birthday was spent by a palm-tree lined pool in Las Vegas! She had lost her partner of 45 years. She always said that in all that time she had never once thought of divorce. Murder often, but never divorce. I am in awe of her strength.

Give your self the time to grieve. Losing someone so young is so very harsh, but time will gradually erode the memories of the sickness and bring back the happier times. You will laugh again, you will smile again, you may even love again one day, but don't think for a second you aren't allowed to cry along the way. Start slow, call an old friend tomorrow, or send an email inviting a mate out for a beer. You might find that night out tough, why should you be enjoying a social life when your partner can't etc, but each time will get a little easier.

If the warm wishes of a stranger mean anything right now, please know you have mine.

whitewing

And my friend did used to talk out loud to her husband (at home). And that included giving him a good telling off when he deserved it too. He went out for walks with her. I know it sounds crazy but it wasn't. What she needed to do to grieve changed and she did whatever felt appropriate at the time. And she joined a bereavement group online, but found that hard sometimes because most people were so much older. She talked a lot. She considered having counselling but felt she didn't need it. I do think you are right though that your struggles will be different than her sisters' grief, and in certain ways it will be a lot harder for you. There is so much on a daily basis to miss, and so much future that will be different for you now. My friend felt very much that he husband was still 'around', although she isn't religious and that gives her some peace.

Tygermoth

bargainbetty - I have no words. Awesome post.

thorsoak

Outpost - it doesn't matter whether you're a young widow/widower or an older one - when there is love and passion in a marriage, then it hurts the same way. I lost my OH in January, after nearly 48 years of marriage/50 years relationship. And it still bloody hurts!

I do talk to him daily - I moan, I ask what he would do - thing is - he doesn't respond physically - but in my heart, I do know his response. Bargainbetty's mum has the same philosphy as we had, and I am trying to go along the same road - its not easy - but I'm taking slow but sure steps.

Maybe it is easier for a woman, because no-one "notices" if I am upset, and tears come into my eyes - that doesn't happen quite so often now - but I do get overwhelmed from time to time still - as I was when I was walking the dogs along a path I take regularly and passed a bench that I've also passed regularly - and all of a sudden, I remembered sitting there with OH watching a lifeboat exercise - and the floodgates opened! Its like being hit in the back of the knees by the dog - you don't expect it and it knocks you for six!

When my sister was 29, her first husband died with MS and she says her experiences were much the same. People were still going about their lives, just as they are for me now when I'm in my 60s. You want to shout "how can you act as if nothing's happened?" - but life does go on and I suppose that the best, most loving thing we can do for our partners is to make the most of a bad job and get up, slap on the make-up (figuratively for you ) slap on a smile and get out there. And sometimes, I find that I am smiling - really - and feel - just a little bit - happy and normal again.

((hugs))

make_me_wise

I am so sorry for everyones loss on this thread. I haven't lost a partner but I did loose someone I was incredibly close to when I was in my early 20s. He was taken very suddenly so there was no chance to say goodbye. I can really relate to and empathise with the wish to chat to the one you've lost. I use to go to a place where we spent alot of time and had so many happy memories of him. Made me feel near him. Its a painfull journey you are on now and I am sending a huge cyber hug to help you through it.

Jellybaby

Hi, I too know how you feel. I posted a thread on here a few weeks ago as I lost my beloved OH of 27 years on 6 April. I'm 47. I got fabulous advice and kindness. It's all baby steps - literally. My situation is slightly different as I have two teenagers who I have to get up for every day, they keep me busy and we grieve together. I talk to my husband every day and I know the first time the boys heard me doing it they thought I had gone nuts but I explained it makes me feel better, helps me make decisions and when responsibility is weighing heavily on my shoulders I can have a good old moan at him.

My husband died of cancer and he was positive and dignified throughout and displayed a strength I never imagined. I feel the least I can do is make our lives the very best they can be, and display some of that strength for our boys. One day at a time is my new mantra...

pinkfizz77

I was 26 when my husband died, his death was sudden and it was devastating to me. I don't think it really matters what age you are widowed really, but I did feel 'cheated' to be widowed so young and after only just over three years of marriage and six years together. My daughter was only seven at the time too (not his biologically but he took her on as his own when she was 2)
It is incredibly hard, but I promise you it won't always be so tough!! It is now 8 years since he passed but I still think about him all the time (and I still talk to him). I admit that my daughter gave me a reason to keep going and something to focus on but I also knew he would want me to be happy. I still get upset at times but for the most part I smile when I think about him and remember the good more than the bad.
I found it helpful to write to him and saved the letters until I felt it was the right time to let them go. Talk to her (though might be best to do this in private, I got some really funny look doing it in public!) The best advice I can give you is to let yourself grieve. It will take time and a lot of tears but you will reach a stage where you can think of her and smile at the life you had together rather than crying for the loss. Accept that you will feel a whole host of emotions, and that it is ok to feel them!
You will move on at some point, you will build a new life but that does not mean you will forget her or that she is not part of that life. The time you spent together is part of you now and always will be.
Don't be afraid to ask for support if you feel you need it, sometimes just a cuppa and a chat is all you need to feel a bit brighter.

You will come through this a stronger person. Thinking of you x

decogecko

Apologies, I've not read the whole thread. I lost my partner to cancer in March last year, he died 10 weeks after diagnosis.

I had just turned 29 when he passed and we'd been together for 2 years 10 months, living together for most of that time.

I have found it hard being young and dealing with it - my friends where/are getting married or having babies and there's me going to his funeral. My short-term memory was non-existant, but I have now moved and feel like I'm starting a new chapter of my life. I don't view things in the same way anymore, I'm not as fearful, I get on with things rather than put them off. I now know I am strong and can get through anything.

Give yourself time - don't be hard on yourself, grief is an individual thing. I still 'talk' to him - i find it helps. I also now know that love is eternal and I still 'feel' like I recieve his love, even though he isn't physically here.

((((hugs))))