How to deal with someone like this

Broken_hearted

I take my nephew to playgroup, he is a normal 20 month old toddler. Learning how to share, interact and play with other children. He is watched all the time and enjoys attending. There is another mother their who sits on her backside and yells, never watches her children and is always causing trouble. She has constantly picked on parents of children she decieds she doesn't like.
She tried it last year with my son and got told to go jump. Ok what she said please don't laugh was my son was trying to have sex with her daughter. They were three years old. Other kids she has branded as violent bullies, slow and out of control.
Well I decided to take my nephew to HER playgroup as my sister changed her work days and couldn't get to the normal one. Which sadly she also goes to. As soon as I arrived her mouth was out of control. Its near christmas I was a greedy ...... only coming for the christmas party (I don't even have him on the day of the party). So I ignor it as its her normal behavior. Anyway the day goes fine, the other parents are great. He's happy playing with other kids, the end of the session comes. I'm putting on little ones coat chatting to one of the helpers when her baby (about 15 months old) falls from the top of a piece of gym equiptment she should never have been on. Poor little thing is screaming her lungs out. I look around and her mam is just sitting there. So I leave my nephew (who follows me), go over untangle the poor little thing and try to settle her. Eventualy she prizes her butt off the chair and comes over to take the child. As she walks away I can hear her cursing my nephew. It made my blood boil but I said nothing.
So life goes on as normal, I tell my sister who agrees this woman is not a nice person and she should watch her children. Next thing I know she has sent a letter in complaining that her child is covered in bruises (falling onto a solid wood floor tends to do that), but that it was my fault as my nephew pushed her as I wasn't bothering to watch him.
I feel I should write a letter back, stating the truth and saying that she should watch her kids. My sister was in tears and doesn't want me taking him to playgroup any more. She feels she is being questioned as a parent, that people think her child is out of control.

Little_Miss_Winner

Hi,

WHo exactly has she written a letter in to? The organisers of the playgroup?

steve_cov

Isn't there a playgroup leader who is responsible for the running of these sessions?

Children have accidents and fall out all the time, then they make up and are best friends again. The parents, however, continue to treat each other with suspicion and anger.

Any written complaint should be handled by the playgroup leader who can explain that parents/guardians share some responsibility for the conduct of the children at the playgroup.

You will not help this mother if you throw back an accusation about her parenting skills. She will probably become defensive, thereby putting her own child (and other children) at risk. Leave it to the organisers to deal with the complaint in the most appropriate way. That is, after all, what they are paid to do.

inkie

I would write down wehat happened, and also mention the other inappropriate things that she says /does - she needs banning by the sound of it - she's a menace.

Nicki

As you were talking to one of the helpers, and putting your nephew's coat on at the time the accident happened, you have a witness that your nephew wasn't involved. I would not therefore worry about this.

This woman's behaviour does sound unacceptable, but could there be reasons behind it of which you are unaware -eg is she suffering from PND or another severe mental health condition of which the organisers of the group are aware, and therefore make allowances for her? It is easy to brand other parents as bad parents if you feel they don't do things as well as you do, but they may be coping to the best of their ability in very difficult situations, and need support and tolerance, rather than meeting their hostility with hostility back.

Carmina_Piranha_3

my babe is 16 months old so is at the stage where it's him being injured by other kids rather than the other way around - but these things happen and even if your nephew had pushed another toddler it wouldn't mean he's a naughty child or that your sister isn't a good mum. they're still babies at that age and don't understand about taking turns etc. so even the violent tots can calm down later on.

i'm sure lots of parents know your nephew wasn't to blame though. these incidents happen frequently at one of our groups because it's a long room and the toddlers can get out of mum's eyesight really quickly.

not sure why this woman has complained - if she'd been playing with her daughter at the time it wouldn't have happened!

it would have been better for the helper to go over to the hurt baby instead of you - then you won't get accused of anything. next time just signal to one of the helpers that an unattended baby is hurt.

Mics_chick

Nicki wrote:

This woman's behaviour does sound unacceptable, but could there be reasons behind it of which you are unaware -eg is she suffering from PND or another severe mental health condition of which the organisers of the group are aware, and therefore make allowances for her? It is easy to brand other parents as bad parents if you feel they don't do things as well as you do, but they may be coping to the best of their ability in very difficult situations, and need support and tolerance, rather than meeting their hostility with hostility back.

I understand what you're saying here Nicki especially as I've been suffering PND for nearly 2yrs now but I've been to a few playgroups and in my experience the organisers are usually too scared to say anything to anyone in case the parent doesn't come back/makes a complaint/gets verbally or physically abusive.

The only one I still go to is run by older ladies (50+) who will step in and discipline a child that is getting a bit too boisterous if the parent isn't taking any notice or not effectively disciplining their child. This only involves saying something firmly to the child and leading them back to their parent to sort them out. Sometimes they never come back again but that's because they can't handle someone pointing out what they should notice/be able to deal with themselves.

Acc72

Do nurseries have accident books ?

I know that there will be genuine accidents evry day, but I would have thought that an accident that resulted in such bruising should be recorded in writing.

If this is not the case, should this be introduced ?

Are there enough qualified people to watch the children ?

I also didn't realise that people took their children and stayed there - don't parents have to leave ? - surely it could get overcrowded, and some parents may interfere in the smooth running of the nursery.

Mrs_pbradley936

I do not have as nicer a nature as you because I would be saying that had she been keeping and eye on her own child she would be in a position to see exactly what happened and that you had to console her child because she was busy elsewhere. Had she been fully aware she would have seen that her child fell from and was not pushed from equipment the child should not even have been on. Where was she when the child was attempting to climb the equipment? Why was the child not stopped at the bottom? Oh yes, Mother was too busy and was neglecting her own child.

Carmina_Piranha_3

acc72 we got to playgroups where the parent stays but there are the ones where you don't stay, also called playgroups. i suppose really i ought to call the ones we go to a mother and toddler group. but as far as i'm aware they don't have accident books - the parents are responsible for their own children and the helpers might not be trained in childcare, just volunteers at the church that runs the group.

rio

Are we talking playgroups or a mother and toddler group? If it is M&T group then the parent is responsible for their child's safety at all times, and I would definately mention it to one of the leaders. I help run a group and we have a notice up at all times stating that we are not in charge of the children, the parent or adult who brought them are. If this woman is causing problems for you, she will do it to others and upset the group and doubtless people will leave. I should also ask about an accident book, we have to enter accidents in the accident book for the church hall that we use, so they may well have to do the same thing.