No Friends and Fed Up!

joanne0620

Don't really know what I am looking for from this, support, advice or just to get it all of my chest!

I'm married, approaching 40 with a nearly 5 year old DS who starts school in September and up to the end of March this year have worked full time from the age of 16 (apart from 6 months Mat Leave).

At the end of March I was unexpectedly and very quickly made redundant from my job. At this point we obviously removed DS from full time child care and arranged for him just to attend for his free 15 hours per week.

DH is quite happy for me to be at home, he earns enough to support us and likes coming home to a clean house, shirts ironed and dinner on the table as when I was working I just got through my days by the skin of my teeth!

But I am so unhappy its unreal, I love spending extra time with DS, but I literally have no friends, and can go from 7.30am to 5.30pm without speaking to another adult at all.

I am painfully shy and have zero confidence and really struggle in social situations, and have no idea how to go about making some friends.

My Mum says that she was in a similar position to me but when I started school she just chatted to Mums at the school gates and it all sort of grew from there so maybe things will be better when DS starts school.

DH is no help really, he has his work and hobby and just doesn't understand how I feel, he's made a few remarks lately, quite nasty really, about my having no friends.

I have looked at courses and classes and things but the thought of walking into a room full of strangers frightens me to death!

Sorry for the long self indulgent post, think I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself this morning!

jeffgeorge

HI Joanne,

I could have wrote that post!! I think most of us mums feel like that at times!

What do you like doing? Could you join a gym? Zumba? Net mums is supposed to be good? there is a meet a mum board.

Is there an underlying reason to your anxiety or are you shy? Its ok to be shy.

I am pretty confident but I think I look unapproachable as no mums at school talk to me but My life can get jam packed so its fine!

WHere do you live? Maybe suggest a MSE picnic with kids, some top people on here?

Mrs JG

RedBern

There's quite a few weeks between now and September before you start meeting other mums at the school gates!

However, the weather is nicer, how about taking your son to the local park and see if you can meet other mums there? You don't have to approach anyone - just smile and look confident (even though you're not) and say hello! You'll find lots of others in a similar situation.

In the 15 hours that your little one is in childcare, why not look for something like volunteering locally? Or if you do find a class you want to attend - get there early - mega early in fact so that you're not the one walking into a packed room (that's what I used to do!) Don't have zero confidence. Two friends of mine used to joke (when in situations they were uneasy or uncomfortable with 'we're mature women with a lot to offer'! It always made them smile and seemed to diffuse any panic!! Try it as a mantra!;)

go_cat

Do you have a soft play area these are great places to meet mums as you have children in common as a starting point.

there are a lot of mums who feel like you do so you are not alone.

Have you looked for a little part time job to keep you busy especially when your son goes to school

jackieblack

I understand how you are feeling. Totally. I went through something very similar when my DD was younger. To go from full-time working to suddenly being at home all day every day is a major lifestyle change and it will take some time to get used to, especially if all your friendships were connected to your working life.
Being at home with a child can feel very isolating but if you feel that way it is important to make the effort to get out of the house and to places where there will be other parents. I understand that may seem daunting but some of those other parents will feel exactly the same as you and be in those places for exactly the same reasons.

One thing I found hard was that each day seemed to stretch endlessly ahead and I found having some structure and splitting the day up helped me enormously.
My DD used to go to nursery in the mornings so I used to try and get all the housework & shopping done then, leaving the afternoons for trips to the park/playground/beachsoft play centre etc, anywhere where other parents/children will be, I found the other mums were good at spotting a new face and were welcoming and friendly.

Be assured that you are not alone, lots of parents go through this.

make_me_wise

Your life has really turned round in the last few months hasn't it. Going from working full time, which as you say you had done for years except for your maternity leave, to suddenly loosing your job and being isolated. That is enough to knock anyones confidence.

Things should improve when your son starts school. My sil found lots of other mums to talk to and gradually got to know people. She had to be confidant enough to suggest they come back for coffee and this broke the ice. Some work part time and others are sahm. She has a nice support network now. Hope it will work that way for you too.

Have you thought about volunteering? Schools are normally very pleased to have someone come in and help in the classrooms, or to read with the little kids. I was reading on the employment part of this forum that one of the posters had volunteered at a school and done her training through an agency and then been offered a fab job, child friendly hours and term time only.

I thought the recommendation of joining a gym or zumba classes was good. If you are feeling down then a bit of exercise can do wonders. My local gym has a nice social calendar and I have made some good friends there too.

Hope things look better for you soon OP

Plans_all_plans

Hi, you should find what activities your local children's centre runs (particularly with another half term coming up) and book onto as many sessions as you can during the holidays. Start talking to other mums there, find out where they go with their kids and you will get ideas where to go yourself. Contact your local councils 'Family Information Service' - they'll send you a list of playgroups in your area - so start going to these too.

Also, I'd recommend something like Zumba or Aqua-aerobics to get you out. Our local leisure centres here have classes on throughout the day like "legs, bums and tums" and other sessions. They even have a creche facility. Might be worth looking into.

Once your son starts school it should get a bit easier. You could try to get involved with the PTA or governors or something. If you don't want to commit to anything, then talking at the school gates will do the trick and eventually you'll be able to go for coffee with other mums who you're friendly with. As your son makes friends, you will too!

As you are off work during the day, I'd recommend volunteering. You can commit as little or as much time as you want: http://www.do-it.org.uk/ you should get to meet people through volunteering.

I moved house (300 miles away from family and friends) when my DD was 2 and I knew no-one. It took a year for me to properly make friends. It wont happen overnight, but you have to persevere!