dont know what to do.... long post

elly2

Hi i have 5 kids aged between 20 and 6 and split from my partner about 4 yrs ago(my decision) and thats when my problems started, my second oldest daughter(16 now and still living at home) started to steal off me after her dad left and my oldest son(20 now) started to become dependent on drugs and drink (he has been smoking canabis since he was 15 and drinking since about 16) but he is getting worse and worse (i havent seen him sober for about 3 weeks now )
I live my life with locks on my doors and all my money locked away in safes (my dad has been and bought a safe as she has recently stole off him), a few years ago my daughter stole £220.00 off me so i got her charged and taken to court (some people will slate me for this i imagine) she did some probabtion for her crime, which was one of many counts of theftagains me.
Fast forward to last weekend a bottle of alcohol went missing from my house it was a gift to me from a friend i dont know when it went missing but know it was deffo there a week before, my son has been visiting alot lately when the little ones are at school to catch up on some sleep have a shower and something to eat etc etc, he has no-where permanant to live so is here there and everywhere (he cant live here due to an episode last year when he tried to steal some items from me to sell for drugs, i caught him and he kicked off causing damage to my house and also held a knife to his throat and told the little ones he was going to kill himself, my daughter went to school the next day(6 at the time) and confided in a teacher she was scared to come home incase he turned up again ).
I rightly or wrongly blamed my son for the missing alcohol, i know he has no money to buy drink as his money had been sanctioned and i assumed that my daughter only stole/continues to steal money off me/other family members (she steals off her sister when she gets the chance but she now locks her money in a little secure box).
I have recently been told that my daughter likes to help herself to the alcohol that is in the house (her dad told me this only last week, seems she has been bragging about it to him for months about it (he decided not to tell me this until the alcohol went missing and i blamed my son) he is still very bitter and angry that i ended the relationship, even though he has now re-married and causes endless problems (but thats another story).
Last night my son turns up at the door he was so drunk he couldn't even stand and started crying and asking me how could i believe he had stole of me and that i am his mum he would never do that to me, he slammed out of the garden after damaging my dads car he tends to lash out at possesions not people (i wouldn't let him in the house as when he is in that state he scares me:( he has never been violent towards me but i have a fear of drunk men).
Now i dont know what to believe or who to trust, cant believe i am talking about my children like this i feel i have failed as a mother and really dont know what to do next.
I know rationaly that it is a bottle of alcohol that has been stolen and that to some people it may not be a big deal but i honestly just feel that i have had enough i,ve lived like this for nearly 4 years now and dont know if i can take it for much longer.

Plans_all_plans

Have you had any support from outside organisations? Does your son admit he has a problem?

In your shoes, I'd be sorely tempted to tell my DD not to get in touch til she can act with respect and you can trust her again.

With your son, I'd try to get him some help, like through Al-Anon or somewhere like that. If he doesn't sort himself out, I'd be tempted to cut him out too.

TBH, I see your priority now lying with your younger children. I would be concerned about the harm the older 2 could be doing to them.

globetraveller

Having seen close family members going through a similar hell to yours I really feel sorry for you.There is a time you have to just stand back and let them hit rock bottom. Don't make up excuses for their behaviour and taking them back and don't feel guilty that you are taking this action.
It took my close relation a long time to be able to do this. But once rock bottom had been hit, her daughter did begin to work back up again. She is now living a life working hard, ans caring for her toddler is her main mission in life. She also told her mum recently that she hit out at her verbally ( and physically) because she knew her mum would always love her despite it all. (I still cant totally forgive her for everything she put people through- and I feel I should be able to- but I can admire what she has managed since)
Take the toughest stance you can- bar them from the house, refuse help, report them to the police if need be. But tell them you are doing this in the hope that it will help them to see what they are doing to themselves and you will be there for them when they can prove to you that they are trying to get themselves out of the mess they are in. And don't beat yourself up about this action.

elly2

Thanks for the reply in answer to your questions social services got involved when i took my daughter to court over the largest sum of money she stole as i wouldnt let her back home they basicaly said that if i wouldnt let her back i had to find her somewhere to go, she was at the time known as a thief to all the family (and still is so not many people will have her in their homes) so she went to stay with a friend of hers she eventually moved in with her father but a month later he brought her back dummped her and her possesions on the step and drove off after telling me she wouldnt give him and his girlfriend (now wife) any space/time alone and as i had caused her to behave like that by splitting up with him she was my problem and to get on with it :mad: so i took her back. At that time all she wanted was to be with her dad and tbh she still wants that now and blames me that he wont have her. At that time and still sometimes now i believe that i am to blame and it is all my fault that my children are the way they are so i deserve to be treated like this

After doing her probation ss told me once my daughter turned 16 i could just throw her out of the house !!!!!!. I'd hate for her to go down the road my son has taken so she is still at home. but the years of verbal abuse and stealing/lying have really taken every ounce of strength for me not to just let her get on with it, she used to tell me to drop dead or f off and die etc etc but i thought she had turned a corner i mean yes she will still steal if given the chance but her attitude has improved and she is at college full time now.

My son tells me there is nothing wrong with his life and has refused to let me help him, he says he will be in jail soon anyway so why bother (he is at court next week for a criminal damages charge. when he went last week to answer the charges the judge said he was in an unfit state (he was drunk and off his head on drugs). when i split with his dad he was told that he had to follow the house rules and he chose to leave, we have just started to mend our relationship (he did move back home for a while until he tried to steal of me and scare the little ones i then told him to stay away but he is my son and i hate to watch while he destroys his life so help where and when i can)
i'd hate that my daughter may have caused the fragile relationship i have with my son more harm (if she did indeed steal the alcohol and is blaming him) i just dont know who to believe anymore and my instincts about trust have all but gone i mean was he only saying that so he had the chance to stay here last night as he had no-where else to go, would he have robbed me while i slept my head is all over the place. Its a horrible place to be and is really affecting me. I feel i don't know my children and have brought this all on my self.

gizmo111

If your daughter cannot live with you, she is entitled to an assessment from social services to ascertain her need - if she is found to need housing then under the 'Southwark Ruling' they have to accomodate her under s20 of the Children Act 1989. You will have to be very clear with them that you cannot have her at home. She will most likely get some form of supported housing and an allowance which they are responsible for paying until age 18.

May2013

I really feel for you….I went through similar episodes with my children as they made their transitions into adulthood but I’m glad to say that they all came out the other side relatively unscathed and morally more intact than I could ever have hoped at the time.

DS 2 was my drinker and drug taker….a 24/7 party animal who went to the extremes. We tried to adopt a very open approach with him. I made it my duty to educate myself on the types of things he was likely to be using, how much they cost, what effects they would have on him, how addictive they were etc…I knew almost everything there was to know other than who was dealing to him. Drugs were never condoned but at the same time never a taboo. He knew that he would get an earful from me if I was ever frightened about the state he came home in and that he could expect me to track him down if he ever disappeared off the radar, don’t get me wrong I didn't need him to ring me every 5 minutes, I got to know his patterns of behaviour when he was on a bender and knew that if I hadn't seen or heard anything from him for 2/3 days it would be time to worry. It was a frightening time that lasted for about four years but eventually he just grew out of it…decided that he had other things to spend his money on and ways to spend his time. Don’t get me wrong he is still very much in the scene, going to raves, festivals etc, I have no doubt that he still indulges but drugs are no longer the centre of his world.

DS3 was the one who stole from me…it started off with the odd pound out of my purse, then notes, I took to hiding my handbag and purse and we all had locked boxes for valuables. His major fall from grace was when he took my credit card and started withdrawing cash, just small amounts each time but over a period of 4 months racking up a total of £2600!!! I didn’t notice it at the time as I was going through a period of crisis with my debt, it was running out of control and I had stopped opening my mail (too scared to see the size of the problem) so I hadn’t looked at my statement. It was only when I couldn’t find the card that it all came to light. There was lots of shouting, threats and tears initially but once the emotion was taken out of it we started to get logical…in simple terms we told him that without trust there couldn’t be a place for him in our home. The following two years were horrid, every time anything went missing DS3 got the blame, I found it really difficult to believe anything he said and had to completely rebuild the relationship I had with him. Everything was (and still is) locked away, my handbag travelled with me from room to room. I would tell him daily how much money was in my purse so that he knew I would notice if any went missing and would mentally note where everything was placed in the house so that if anything moved unexpectedly I would notice.
It was tough for him too, we all treated him differently and he felt like an outsider to the family. His confidence and self esteem took a massive hit and this manifested itself in very dark and aggressive moods that were taken out on the walls and doors in our home (there are still holes everywhere but until my debts are sorted it’s going to stay that way). The good news is that we have now got to the other side…he is now the most trustworthy and honest of all four of my children (but still a tad volatile)

So in summary my advice would be to try to remain patient, understand as best as you can why they are doing this, be confident in knowing that you have taught them all the right values and that in time they will regain a sense of right and wrong….and probably hardest of all be ready to forgive, my boys have both said that home was always a safe place…they knew that at times they would have to face the ‘wrath of Mum’ but ultimately when they hit rock bottom they had a base from which they could rebuild.

Sorry for the long post (it actually felt really good getting that off my chest...no-one in the real world knows any of that!!!)

Good luck and keep strong xx

globetraveller

May2013 wrote: »

Sorry for the long post (it actually felt really good getting that off my chest...no-one in the real world knows any of that!!!)

Good luck and keep strong xx

I think this happens frequently, when its your kids/family going through hell you don't want to offload to friends incase you are judged. But a good support network is exactly what you need when you are going through a nightmare.

May2013

globetraveller wrote: »

I think this happens frequently, when its your kids/family going through hell you don't want to offload to friends incase you are judged. But a good support network is exactly what you need when you are going through a nightmare.

So true....I only wish I knew about this site a few years ago, it's such a safe place to be able to let it all out!

Savvy_Sue

Well, it may be 'your' fault they're like this (although I doubt it), but as I said to someone I met recently who has similar problems "lots of people get a raw deal out of life, it's what you make of it that matters: no use blaming someone else for the messes YOU make!"

Al-Anon and Fam-Anon may be good sources of support for you, and maybe the younger children too.

Personally, I wouldn't allow either your son or your daughter in the house if you don't feel safe / can't trust them. Perhaps especially not your son, who feels he can come back and catch up on his sleep and take a shower when it suits him, but not that he needs to treat those around him in a non-threatening way.

property.advert

You and your ex seem to have condoned your 20 year old smoking illegal drugs and drinking under age presumably at your home over the last 5 years.

Did you not think this was unwise at best and a downright stupid way to set an example to your younger children ?

You reap what you sow but you should just ditch these two and hope you can make a better job with the remainder.