"Friends" sorry its long

poppyscorner

Will try to keep as short as poss as I would like opinions please

I am part of a group of three friends I'm going to refer to them as "Lisa" and "Sharon" throughout my posts to try not to confuse things.

Lisa I met 8 years ago when I moved near her we spoke but weren't close until about 5 years ago when we became inseperable following that I got divorced from my exH had another son and then eventually went off to university to do my nurse training.

I went to school with Sharon although she was a year older than me and we weren't close then she has kind of came into and went out of my life numerous times but has remained pretty solidly involved for the last three years now.

In feb 2 years ago I met my current partner its fair to say that initially we probably weren't a particularly good match he is a fantastic bloke but he was very immature when we first got together he had lived by himself and basically just was a party animal, he was mouthy when he had had a drink etc and this went on for a few weeks when I then said that I needed to be with a man not a child and he either learns his limit and not exceed it or we were over ! He sorted himself out and we have basically had a good relationship from then on he lives with me and my kids now in our house and has done for a while, OH is very private person and not as much of a social person as I am he can handle small occassions but he behaves very shy and introverted when in a larger group setting,

I completed my nurse training in march this year and was placed in an area to work that I knew nothing about and with an awful team who did not accept me and continually put me down I became very depressed very quickly OH didn't really know how to handle it and I have hidden myself away from everyone for a little while trying to muddle my way through I suppose eventually I have been moved and almost two weeks ago I started again in a new job I am thrilled about it its still not particularly the field I want to work in but I am happy enough enjoying the experience and am now working with a great team. As a direct result my mental health is improving day by day and for the last few days I have felt like me again happy and bubbly and sorting things out.

The weekend just gone me and OH had a row it as pretty bad at the time but the next day we sorted things out talked about how it had happenned and how we felt.

"Friends" were not involved in the row nor did I discuss with them I saw it as private but did ask my sister if she would look after the children the next day if the row got serious as I was due at work

Fast forward to yesterday and Lisa and Sharon (who havent seen me at all for the past two weeks but have been seeing each other to talk about me ...... I'm not paranoid they told me this yesterday !) came to my house I was upstairs cleaning my bathroom and they both charged up effectively pinned me in my bathroom and started discussing me and how I was feeling they blame my recent depressive episode on my OH and neither of them like him they do not think we should be planning to get married and nor should we consider moving house ( which we have talked about recently) At first I was very defensive told them all of the above was not really their concern and if they had bothered to actually see me instead of having meetings about me then they may have seen how much my mood has improved Sharon compared my OH to an abusive ex that she has at which point I exploded shouted very loudly and swore at her she left at that point in tears.

Lisa unknown to me had stayed behind I told her that I felt like I am the youngest in our group of friends and the only couple not to be married noone in our group of friends has ever given my OH a chance he isn't great at socialising but he is a great man and he is a fantastic step father to my kids he makes me happier than I have ever been in my life however because of his immaturity when we first got together everyone has an opinion and this opinion causes them to scrutinise us at every opportunity I told them both that in no uncertain terms I love my OH I will spend the rest of my life with him and if they cant accept that then I will simply move on.

Today I spoke to my sister who said that Sharon had rang her and asked if she had heard from me to which my sister had told her about the weekend and sharon had said that I can't believe they have rowed again I do not think she should marry him I don't think she wants to but is going ahead with it because she will look stupid if she pulls out!!

Lisa and Sharon briefly turned up here again today I have not discussed it further as I am trying to remain composed I am still very angry with them but also feel very very hurt they have all of these opinions that they choose to share with everyone else nobody in my family share there concerns they all love OH dearly and treat him like a son / brother. I just don't know what to say or do next I feel gutted and don't really need this right now I'm trying to get back on my feet and I think I am because despite everything I am generally happy today and feeling good.

Any advice to offer would be greatly appreciated I believe them when they say they do love me and care about me but they are bang out of order and I can't just carry on regardless. I did apologise for shouting yesterday and Lisa apologised for putting me in that situation in the first place but Sharon has not and still thinks she is right regardless of what I say.

KiKi

Try and see this from their point of view.

They're good friends of yours, and have known you a long time. You get together with your OH, who is shy and retiring in front of them, and doesn't like particularly want to hang out with them or see them socially. You become depressed, and in your words, have hidden yourself away from your friends and everyone you know. Your friends, knowing your OH isn't handling it or being helpful, link these things together.

I don't think they've come up with some unreasonable assumptions - wrong ones, but not necessarily unreasonable.

Of course, the adult thing would have been to sit down and talk to you calmly about it, asking you if you're happy, how your OH treats you. But as your friends, they talk about you (and don't deny that you've never talked about another friend with someone - we all do it. It doesn't mean they were b*tching about you, just talking), probably convinced themselves there was something wrong, and leapt in feet first.

You, understandably, react and swear at them. They leave, THEN find out that you had a massive row with your OH at the weekend - and planned to leave your children with your sister! This, and the blow up from you the day before, just corroborates what they suspected...you're too scared to leave your kids with your OH because there's something bad going on!


What to do? Invite them out and sit down and have a calm, grown-up discussion. Don't make assumptions or accusations. Say you understand why they might think what they do, but explain how things really are. It's possible they won't believe you. It's possible that they have a point. But hopefully you can all apologise and act like adults and move on. The fact that Lisa apologised (as did you) is great - but it still all requires explaining, otherwise it might sit as a suspicion in their minds. And don't forget, that their opinions - like yours - will be coloured by their own experiences, or what they've seen friends go through before. They may react more strongly to some things, which then cause a reaction in you. But they're doing it out of love. If they won't back down and support you, then you need to make a call on that friendship, but I wouldn't give up after one row and one conversation - I'd persist for a bit.

Pain in the neck as it's been for you, you obviously have friends who love you and will defend you to the hilt - and that's a great position to be in!

KiKi

poppyscorner

KiKi wrote: »

Try and see this from their point of view.

They're good friends of yours, and have known you a long time. You get together with your OH, who is shy and retiring in front of them, and doesn't like particularly want to hang out with them or see them socially. You become depressed, and in your words, have hidden yourself away from your friends and everyone you know. Your friends, knowing your OH isn't handling it or being helpful, link these things together.

I don't think they've come up with some unreasonable assumptions - wrong ones, but not necessarily unreasonable.

Of course, the adult thing would have been to sit down and talk to you calmly about it, asking you if you're happy, how your OH treats you. But as your friends, they talk about you (and don't deny that you've never talked about another friend with someone - we all do it. It doesn't mean they were b*tching about you, just talking), probably convinced themselves there was something wrong, and leapt in feet first.

You, understandably, react and swear at them. They leave, THEN find out that you had a massive row with your OH at the weekend - and planned to leave your children with your sister! This, and the blow up from you the day before, just corroborates what they suspected...you're too scared to leave your kids with your OH because there's something bad going on!


What to do? Invite them out and sit down and have a calm, grown-up discussion. Don't make assumptions or accusations. Say you understand why they might think what they do, but explain how things really are. It's possible they won't believe you. It's possible that they have a point. But hopefully you can all apologise and act like adults and move on. The fact that Lisa apologised (as did you) is great - but it still all requires explaining, otherwise it might sit as a suspicion in their minds.

Pain in the neck as it's been for you, you obviously have friends who love you and will defend you to the hilt - and that's a great position to be in!

KiKi

Hi Kiki

Thanks for your reply just to clarify thougfh I have been with OH just over two years my spell of depression has been very recent and lastly roughly 6 weeks before I have started to return to my normal self they still talk about things that have happenned with my OH from 2 years ago and I think that is a bit unfair.

OH is exactly as I describe him but he has made an effort to get to know my friends and he does socialise with us he just feels a bit awkward about it at times and particularly so when we are aware that we are being watched by my friends who remark after wards about how we exchange looks and what we say to each other.

They knew about the row before coming to see me yesterday it was shouted at me by sharon in the middle of everything this is the only thing they have which they could possibly interpret as me being unhappy because of OH I wasn't scared to leave the kids I just thought due to the intensity of the row that we may require some cooling off space.

I do love my friends we have been through alot together and I would like for us to remain friends too but I also have a relationship with my OH that is incredibly positive and I don't want to feel forced to chose between them which is how I feel right now I just don't know why we have to be scrutinised nobody else is and there are newer relationships than ours that have never been subjected to the scrutiny that mine is.

KiKi

poppyscorner wrote: »

they still talk about things that have happenned with my OH from 2 years ago and I think that is a bit unfair.

Then you need to tell them that - as unemotionally as possible without accusing or being angry with them.

Remember that we all hold onto things that we see from a long time ago. I know I remember things that happened with friends from years ago, but of course they've probably changed over time...but it can be hard to see that, especially if those people are hurting people you love! They're coming from a perspective of love and protecting you, so they just need to be set right in a kind and understanding way. This is particularly true for Sharon whose view is most likely skewed by her own awful experience. I'm sure it was horrid for you to have her compare an abuser to your OH, but maybe she's seen signs that she's misinterpreting, and projecting her own experience in that - and genuinely believes she's helping you.

You may have to be the one demonstrating grace and understanding first - tough as it may be! But better that than losing a friendship, especially if it can be sorted out.

OH is exactly as I describe him but he has made an effort to get to know my friends and he does socialise with us he just feels a bit awkward about it at times and particularly so when we are aware that we are being watched by my friends who remark after wards about how we exchange looks and what we say to each other.

They're obviously seeing something - even if that something is misinterpreted. Take it as a compliment that they're still looking out for you after whatever it was that they remember from 2 years ago - and that they love you enough to care!

They knew about the row before coming to see me yesterday it was shouted at me by sharon in the middle of everything this is the only thing they have which they could possibly interpret as me being unhappy because of OH I wasn't scared to leave the kids I just thought due to the intensity of the row that we may require some cooling off space.

I can completely understand why you called your sister - but if they knew about the row before they came over, then their concerns are perhaps even more understandable. They've watched you hide away over the last few weeks, they know stuff about your OH that they don't like, they know he's a bit awkward, then they hear you've had a massive row - all coloured by Sharon's own experience of what it's like to be in an abusive relationship. 2+2 = 5 and all that.

I know that it must be a pain in the neck for you to negotiate, and I agree it's not fair that they continue to bring things up that he's done wrong.

I'd still be angry, and I'd want to have a go, and I'd want an apology, too! But being neutral here, if you approach it from a perspective of understanding their concern, and wanting to reconcile and accepting how their experiences have affected them, too, then I'm sure you can work it out.

Tell them that you understand their concern and really appreciate it - but the scrutiny and accusations need to stop. And tell them that if anything like abuse ever happened, they would be the first people to know because you know they love and care for you. Then grab a diet coke and a kitkat (or whatever makes you all happy) and have a girls' evening out.

KiKi

poppyscorner

Aww thanks Kiki,

I have spent all day mulling over the whole thing ranting and raving to myself as you do lol but have still come up with nothing but anger about it until I've sat and read what you just wrote.

It is difficult trying to see someone elses POV when you are mad with them but you have helped me to do that so genuinely thank you :T:T

I will speak to them both I do love them very much but I will talk about how I feel too, I doubt Sharon will ever apologise its not her style Lisa though I think was horrified at what happenned yesterday as was I, I never ever lose it unless I am really really threatened it is so rare it was the first time Sharon had ever witnessed it and I don't think she took it too well which is why I had to apologise to her really I never ever speak to people like that and although I feel justified in some aspects of what I said shouting and swearing at her I immediately regretted.

lostinrates

poppyscorner wrote: »

very hurt they have all of these opinions that they choose to share with everyone else nobody in my family share there concerns they all love OH dearly and treat him like a son / brother. .

Then how did they get information from your sister? I raise this not to make your sister out to be ''as bad as them'' but to show their love for you is ''as good as hers''. They all care.

Its very, very hard when you worry about a close girlfriend and her state of mind/men. I'll be honest and admit I avoid meeting with a very dear friend of mine ATM because I can't stand her boyfriend. She says she's happier than she's been for years, and I must respect that but I can't help but notice signs that make me doubt it. Perhaps your friends are concerned as I am, fondness for friends often makes us over analyse and over cautious.

Steel_2

Personally I would want these two to butt out of my private life and mind their own business.

Who you marry is your affair.

Their job is to love and support you whether the decisions you make are good or bad.

The fact that they jumped to the assumption that your recent depressive episode was about your relationship and then ganged up on you instead of sitting you down quietly and calmly and finding out the reason suggests that they are not as good a friends as they think they are.

And your sister needs to keep her lips zipped too.

My sister shared some pretty dark times about her marriage with me a couple of years ago but regardless of how often our mother and her friends asked, I kept schtum and said nothing. My job was to love and support, not tell everyone her business.

My best friend was in a dreadful relationship, but I never stormed the gates and forced her hand. I listened. I offered advice when needed. And when needed I shut up. It ended badly. I was there for her. She's older and wiser. But never once did I shout the odds or force her into a corner.

I would inclined to build the friendship with Lisa again, but cool it with Sharon. I suspect she has probably had too big a hand in winding this situation up to fever pitch based on her previous abusive relationship. She's got people involved who may not have got involved otherwise and whipped up sentiment against your OH. Unless she accepts your are happy with your other half and cuts out the busybodying there really isn't a future in a friendship.