How to support a nephew who's started to get in trouble?

joolesw1972

One of our nephews is 12 and last week got arrested by the police with a couple of his friends for throwing stones and breaking a window, although not a serious incident, we've since found out that there have been other complaints about his behaviour and his mum has been given a 12 month probation thing to evict her if it doesn't improve? The family situation is very difficult and complicated, his dad, my partners brother started getting in trouble at the same age, went in to a Borstal(?) then in and out of prison as an adult and not in touch with any of the family, stepdad has been there since he was about 3, but split from his mum last year, has regular contact.
We've supported the decision that he's grounded and can't come out with us next week for a day out, we've given him an incentive that if he's good does what he's supposed to and gets his grounding lifted by July we'll have them to stay at ours, but what else can we do to support him and try to stop him going off the rails. We live about an hour and a half away.

Rachel021967

It sounds as though he's one angry boy who needs somebody to talk to and a different peer group. Is he getting any emotional support from the school, court or CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services)? As for peer group he could widen his social group by attending clubs - does he have a hobby or interest? Also being there for the mother through this very stressful time would be invaluable. These are a few suggestions that I can think of off the top of my head. I have very limited experience of this and hopeful somebody will be along later on to give you more experienced advice.

andygb

joolesw1972 wrote: »

One of our nephews is 12 and last week got arrested by the police with a couple of his friends for throwing stones and breaking a window, although not a serious incident,

Sorry to put a bit of a dampener on this, but it is a serious incident, particularly if you are the owner of the property concerned. He is twelve, and he has to start learning some discipline. This is not just a case of ringing doorbells and running away.

joolesw1972

Thanks for the reply, my partner suggested cadets as it would give him a focus, stepdad has looked in to it but he can't start until September, we've said we'll help with fees/uniform as they don't have much money. I'm not sure what input he is getting from school, I know there have been some issues but his mum hasn't told us about it and I'm not sure if the school would talk to us about it?
We could suggest councelling to his parents, would they ask the school about this or the GP?
Thanks Andy, we are taking it seriously, I just meant that in terms of a 'crime' it was relatively small and we want to help stop it getting any worse.

ingey.uk

Clip round the ear???
ask him does he want to end up a waste of space like his dad???
(we create our own destiny its true we dont all get the best draw of the cards when were born its how we play them)

Mupette

Cadets sounds really good.

DS started last year when he was 15 and loves it, he is with the Air Cadets.

http://www.armycadets.com/home/

http://www.raf.mod.uk/aircadets/wanttojoin/cadets.cfm

http://seacadets.ms-sc.org/

DS has been flying glyders and prop planes, he loves it, uniform is free, it is loaned to you, you need to get your own shoes and boots but if you can't afford it like me then they can find you a pair to use.

DS his bedroom is a typical teenage pit.. but his cadet uniform is always hung up and his shoes and boots shiney. He was told he had to learn to wash and iron his own kit, because if it is wrong and he say's his mum did it they would laugh at him... which spurned him on to do it properly.

DS threw a major hissy fit with me last year not long after we had moved home, and he got a bit cocky and so i took his mobile from him and the internet, he ran off to his dad's for a few days. (also was practically superglued to the pc)

Came back a bit calmer, suggested he needed to get out of the house and socialise and do something he liked, he chose air cadets, goes shooting, (controlled environment, with training within the forces bases)

DofE programme, charity work, camping, ski trip to germany this year but even sub'd i still could not afford it but rather than a tanturm he was fine about it. Subs are about £6 per month, there is marks for paying on time, chances for winning awards and scholouarships to uni..

Cadets turned my stroppy teen into a more responsible young man, he's always wanted to be a pilot, air cadets is there to help him achieve this, he has just completed 1 G.C.S.E / Diploma with them, just doing the 2nd Part (public service stuff you can do at college later, but they get to do it now)

Ok enough of singing the praises of air cadets, but perhaps your nephew would enjoy something stuctured, and it doesn't cost that much

Rachel021967

Your nephew's GP can refer him to CAMHS but he has to be present at the referral appointment. Cadets is a great idea. My daughter is a St. John's cadet. She learns first aid and they can go on duty to various events. We live in a cluster of semi-rural towns so their is no big events locally, but she did go to the theatre once and was given a guided tour of backstage afterwards.

Errata

The local Police force may have activities run by police officers in their spare time for boys who are going off the rails. They may be more appropriate for the nephew than cadets, as the focus will be on steering teenage boys away from delinquency.
As his behaviour has warranted a 12 month probation term on the tenancy it needs to be taken very seriously indeed by all those involved with him.

shy-but-need-help

I agree with Errata, I live in an area which has had a big problem with teens in the past so the local community police run several activities, it has worked here- obviously not cured all problems but does mean the kids stop seeing the police and law as "against them".

CAMHS is a good suggestion (or some areas have TAMHS- targeted mental health in schools but I do believe it's being cut in most the places it was piloted with the new government) however be prepared for the fact there can be an absolutely huge waiting list in some areas (18+ months in our town) and most areas go the route of GP, to paediatrician (involving school/school SENco) and then eventually referal to places like CAMHS. Maybe it would be an accelerated process though if violence & police involvement is an issue?