Friendship

nellynotsure

Hello,
Having lurked for a while wondered if some of you would give your view on this please. I used to go out fairly regularly with a friend and her sisters, although I sometimes had to miss because of lack of money. Last july it was one of her sister's 40th and they went away for the weekend -I was going but it turned out to be too expensive and so I had to back out. I explained and said I was sorry - another friend also backed out for the same reason. Nothing had been booked so no one lost out moneywise. We went out as normal amonth or so later. The next time we were supposed to be going I txt my friend a few hours before to find out time we were meeting and it had been cancelled. Rightly or wrongly I got the feeling had i not txt she wouldn't have let me know. I txt her a couple of times after to arrange a night out and she said she was ill. The next night out I was on hols so missed it. When I got back i txt her - just general chit -chat - how are you etc. a couple of times and she didn't reply. I bumped into her out shopping weeks later and asked why she hadn't returned my txt, she said her hubby had her phone as his was broken - thing is could have sworn i'd seen her talking on the phone just before I said hello. This was in November and I'v had no contact since until today when she txt to say she's going out sat and i'm welcome to join her. I'm not overwhelmed with mates and would welcome a night out but I have overlooked her lying before and am wondering why now after 6 months has she decided to contact me. What would you do I'm too old for silly games and though i once thought she was a close friend - feel she obviously didn't feel the same. i don't want to feel upset again if she lets me down in the same way as before.

whitewing

Go out on Sat with her and have a great time.

In my experience, I sometimes have lulls in texting/visiting etc as we are both busy. Usually we pick up where we'd left off. Enjoy the friendship but take it as it comes.

msb5262

Hello OP,

Sorry if this sounds obvious but have you thought about ringing her or popping round and talking to her?

MsB

concerned43

I think you are over thinking this situation -probably because you do not have many friends. I have a few friends,some I see more than others but we could go a year without contact and I would think nothing of it. If I were you I would not cut off my nose to spite my face and accept her invitation and get out and meet new friends - night classes, sports clubs,book clubs etc
that way you won't be needy!

nellynotsure

thankyou
whitewing- its not the lack of txting as such its the lies about not returning my txt. I had begun to feel that I never knew when she was telling the truth.

msb- she works shifts and that was why i usually txted rather than rang cos i didn't want to wake her. also her hubby can be a bit funny -grumpy- and so she doesn't like people calling unanounced.

concerned43- i hope i'm not needy i often didn't see her for weeks on end and didn't think anything of it - again it the lies that worry me - why not be honest about things. Maybe I am reading too much into things. At the time we lost touch I was helping my son who was on antidepressents following his relationship breakdown and could have done with her support. Perhaps my idea of a friend is an outdated one these days as everyone seems to place little importance in being there for one another.

Plans_all_plans

Yeah you're reading too much into things. I tell white lies to friends every now and again: maybe she feels bad for not being in contact, but saying "I thought you kept flaking out on us, so haven't been in touch as much" is harsher than saying "I lost my phone."

I don't think it's about not placing high importance on being there for you as a friend: if she didn't know your issues with your son, she wouldn't know you needed support.

I also have different "types" of friend: some I go out with on nights out, some I'd tell my darkest secrets to, some I'd not trust with too much personal info etc. Maybe your friend is the same.

Threebabes

I think everyone deserves one chance, and if this it the first time shes ever gone on like this, I would go out. If its happened before in the past I would give it a miss.

nellynotsure

as i explained i thought we were close and it wasn't just lull in txting it was her ignoring txts and from my point of view it looked like she no longer wanted to be friends. Even if i haven't seen some one for a while i still return a txt isn't that curtoeus unless you don't want the contact. Am still not sure - she knew i was having a bad time and she wasn't there for me- i'm not sure i could take up where left off as i feel hurt by the way she's been with me. Obviously i'm in the minority feeling like this so the problem is mine. I just don't see friendship in the way others do obviusly:(

CH27

I'd go on saturday & judge the situation form there.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

whitewing

Oh, don't get me wrong, I would have been hurt too. But you don't need to decide what to do about that until after you've met up with your friend again. Don't make seeing her conditional on an apology. Just see what happens, and if you don't want to meet up again after then you have at least tried.

Pee

Sometimes I don't return texts and don't know what to say. It doesn't mean I don't like the person, the last time I did this it was because I was having a hard time and couldn't face up to socialising and I really like the girl concerned, just I knew she would be able to tell that things were bad and that this would make me start crying... Now I know it would be much better to have rung her at home and maybe gone round to see her or told her over the phone what was up, I might have cried, but not in the restaurant and she's a good friend, she would have understood and made me feel better and the socialising would have done me good, but I couldn't bring myself to do that.
Sometimes I've avoided friends because I've been busy and needed what few free evenings I had to myself/ spend some time with my boyfriend. You say he can be a bit grumpy, maybe this is connected, not that he doesn't like you, but maybe he feels she should be prioritising him?
Whilst I haven't lied, I've allowed a cold to mean I could call for about a week, a lost phone that was replaced stopped me calling or texting for a month... these are not lies but they are excuses.