Mediation

Renee

Can any one advise me

My daughter and her husband are going through a divorce, a very nasty one.
My son in law sees the children a couple of times a week, the boys are 2 and nearly 6. When he sees the eldest he's always saying nasty things about his mummy, 'ie slag, mummy hates me, mummy made me go and live somewhere else' I'ts getting to where Kieran now blames her for sending his daddy away.
She's asked for mediation via her solicitor to his solicitor but he's saying he wont go.

Any advice please

Sarahsaver

This is terrible. He is abusing these kids minds. Your daughter must stop contact or have it supervised only, asap in my opinion. These children will never be kids again, their mum has the power to make things right for them. If the ex wont go to mediation then theres no point. If he wants to see the kids he will have to go to court. Your daughter is the parent with care. She has no obligation to let them see him
If I come over with strong opinions its because I went to see a mediator and the mediator said there was no point in fact i would be placing myself in danger bcos of the violence of the ex. Talk to the health visitor and the older boy's teacher about the kids, get their point of view and get them on side.
Good luck.

Prudent

Mediation is a voluntary process and its sucees is often dependent of the commitment of both parties both to the process and finding a solution.

I would reinforce what Sarah says in that it may not be the right route for your daughter. Mediation is far less successful where there is a high level of hostility.

The traditional route of the solicitor might be more successful in this case. She needs to decide if contact is benefical to the children. It sounds like he is using contact as a means to vent his own anger rather than to provide love and stabilty for the children.

jockettuk

my daughter went through something similar when her dad and me split up she was just 5 at the time , i got all the why did you make my dad go, we split up amicably but she didnt understand all that .. i spoke to the school and to her doctor who all had a little chat with her abt marriage breakdowns and as it was coming from another adult rather than her mum or dad she seemed to listen.. and except what happened.. she now talks abt when mum and dad were together but then thats part of her past and i just answer her questions as honeslty as i can...

tell the ex what he is doing is unexceptable he probably wont listen so put it in writing tell him how the children are when they come back from his and explain you are having a unhappy child who will one day make up his mind not to go to daddys because its upsetting both child and daddy.. Tell him if you have to you will go to court for supervised visits .. explain that although both parents have split you dont want to split up the father child relationship but his actions might do that for himself.. seems like he needs a knock on the head so to speak to wake up to the reality to it all..

Renee

Thanks for all your advice
Does she have to go via her solicitor re supervised visits. This would show what sort of father he's been as when he takes the elder one out they go shopping at Asda and then to the pub for a meal. He's never been a 'father', ie taking them to the park or swimming or bowling so to the elder boy this is the norm. He also has a drink problem so my daughter has stopped overnight saturdays.
She's trying very hard but it's been difficult. She's had abusive phone calls and the police have warned him re threats but he keeps saying he wont do anything any more then when he's had a few drinks in the evening it starts again.

Renee

Thank you so much Prudent.

My daughter isn't on the net so next time she comes over I will get her to read what you've said.
It does help to know that there are people on the site willing to help and give advice
Thanks

Pollen

Your daughter should ensure she protects children and herself as emotional abuse such as this is extremely damaging. I agree mediation will not work if he is hostile and perhaps the only route is through the family courts. Help her to bring up this situation (which is not of her making, it is his behaviour) with relevant adults, ie school teachers, nursery workers and health visitors which will enable them to support the children appropriately.

I would hope that his behaviour does not escalate, but often with levels of hostility directed towards the other parent then this may happen. Your daughter needs to ensure she gets proper support. Womens Aid is a good start to seek advise for a non-molestation order. Additionallly police departments have domestic violence units which undertake work in relation to partner abuse, emotionally and physically. If he continues and there is evidence he can be cautioned and arrested under the Harrassment Act. Relationship breakdown is painful, however there is support out there and both you and your daughter need to make sure she is not isolated.