'Don't be afraid to ask for wedding cash instead of gifts' blog discussion

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  • edited 27 April 2011 at 11:44AM
    Torry_QuineTorry_Quine Forumite
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    edited 27 April 2011 at 11:44AM
    so a voucher is ok in some circumstances but cash never? it's an interesting distinction. i see them as the same!

    it's good that you don't need guidelines - from the position of the couple getting 'thoughtful' gifts from lots of different people that they felt were appropriate, i can see a list as a sensible/practical option!

    The distinction is that I would only use the option of a voucher if I wasn't attending so had to post it. Cash is obviously not suitable for posting.

    Stuart_W wrote: »
    Approaches to marriage are personal. Approaches to finance are personal. There will never be agreement!

    My wife and I are soon to reach our 10th wedding anniversary. We were 23 and 24 when we got married.
    We had not, and would not, live together before getting married. We concentrated our time beforehand in preparing for a marriage, not a wedding.
    QUOTE]

    This is one of the problems all the focus is on the weddind itself and not the marriage which should be the priority.
    Errata wrote: »
    It seems to me that those guests who don't know what gift to buy the happy couple don't actually know them very well, so I wonder why they would accept an invitation to celebrate their marriage.
    Requesting cash turns the whole thing into a monetary transaction: you can come to our wedding if you pay the entrance fee.

    It just feels very impersonal to give money doesn't it.
    luxor4t wrote: »
    Martin reminded us of the function of wedding gifts: " Wedding gifts aren’t just a pleasant way of wishing a new couple a great life together, historically they’re there as a form of social banking and before you decide what to ask for on the big day – it’s worth understanding the function this ‘ceremonial gift exchange’ performs."

    I must move in unusual circles as most of the weddings I have attended are young couples setting up their first home together. My wedding gift will help them to set up their first home.

    .


    Have to disagree that wedding gifts are a form of social banking. :eek:
    To me it is about helping a couple start their life together.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
  • shellsuitshellsuit Forumite
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    Ouch!

    I would be fraid of asking for cash. Very afraid. Afraid that people would think I was a cheeky rude money grabber!

    We got married last October and didn't ask for anything. No gift list, no sickly poems requesting this and that. If people asked us ourselves what we wanted we said that we didn't want anything apart from themselves on the day.

    We got mostly cash (plus some M&S and Next gift cards and a few gifts) but I would never have dreamed of asking for anything.

    As if it's not expensive enough for guests to attend a wedding in the first place, it's deemed to be 'OK' to have a begging bowl out too is it?

    That's how I see it.

    You don't tell people what to buy you for your birthday or Christmas, so why change when it comes to weddings?

    It was our day, our party and they were our guests who weren't obliged to do anything other than turn up and have a good time.
    Tank fly boss walk jam nitty gritty...
  • edited 27 April 2011 at 11:51AM
    [Deleted User][Deleted User] Forumite
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    edited 27 April 2011 at 11:51AM
    So over £100 if you are a couple? :eek: :eek: :eek:

    Perhaps some of you can afford that. I certainly can't.

    Yes, that would be a minimum for a couple, i'd probably double that if they're family.

    But.. it's not asked for, ever. It's just the norm.
  • edited 27 April 2011 at 8:27PM
    *KT**KT* Forumite
    251 Posts
    edited 27 April 2011 at 8:27PM
    bylromarha wrote: »
    First marriage, young couple, okay, not a problem. We gave a large contribution to a great mate who got wed a few years back as they literally had nothing.

    A couple who've been living together for a few years, have set up home, have had some nice holidays, got most up to date gadgets. No way would I give them cash. If they want cash, then do without the gadgets and save it yourself.


    I find this comment really difficult. How can any one of us completely judge the situation of another? You have no way to know if either couple has money stashed in the bank or not really. You have no clue how they will spend any cash given either. Who are we to judge?!

    Personally, where I know the couple (or one half) well then I try to find something quirky and inexpensive that they will like. I really don't have a lot of money to give.

    Also, who came up with the £50-60 norm!! That's just insane. Count me into the club that loves her bf and would much rather run away and get married in private, and then perhaps have an unofficial party when we came back, only telling people what we'd done when they arrived. That way nobody would feel that kind of pressure hopefully. And anyway, chances of getting both of my parents and both of his parents all in the same room at the same time are slim regardless, but that's another issue entirely!
    Can we pretend that aeroplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, cause I could really use a wish right now...
  • GraciePGracieP Forumite
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    *KT* wrote: »
    Also, who came up with the £50-60 norm!!

    That's nothing, up until a few years ago the equivalent of £200-250 was the norm from a couple in Ireland. The thinking was apparently that it was costing the couple £70-80 per head so you had to give them that each to cover their cost for you plus a bit extra as a gift. Even now about £100-180 from a couple is normal.
    :eek:
  • heather38heather38 Forumite
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    we went to a wedding recently that asked for cash gifts. now i know for a fact that this wedding cost over £30,000 and asking me to help pay for it is rude and presumptious. we gave them gift vouchers in the end.
    weddings are expensive enough for guests, i would feel that i had to give more as cash than i would have spent on an actual gift.
  • MrsE_2MrsE_2
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    heather38 wrote: »
    i would feel that i had to give more as cash than i would have spent on an actual gift.

    And there lies the problem.

    I've read so many times on here that someone got something that should cost X, but they got it for a quarter of the price & its a great gift for so & so. They are delighted because it "looks like" they have spent more than they have.

    I find that attitude really odd.

    If I had £10 for a gift for my daughter (for instance), I would much rather buy her one item of make-up in a brand she uses than buy a cheap cosmetic set she won't.
    The same for me, I would much rather someone spent £10 on something I would actually use, than £10 on something that has a RRP of £40 but they got for £10, but I won't use.

    Why try to deceive or obscure how much you have spent, why worry about it?

    If there was an anonymous wishing well to drop monetary gifts into would people feel happy about giving cash?
  • heather38heather38 Forumite
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    MrsE- we had a traditional gift list for our wedding, we were just starting out and our list was full of gifts from £5 upto £150. Our friends were in much the same position as us, young and just starting out in their 1st homes. i would rather they gave us a £5 photo frame than say £20 in cash, it's not so much obscuring how much you have spent more the 'value' you as the giver place on the item iyswim.
  • MrsE wrote: »
    If there was an anonymous wishing well to drop monetary gifts into would people feel happy about giving cash?

    No its still rude in whatever way you butter it up. Its like when the couple state its for a honeymoon?! The only people I would ever think about giving cash to is very close family (siblings) anyone else gets a gift. If they ask for cash they get nothing but a card :D
  • Torry_QuineTorry_Quine Forumite
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    No its still rude in whatever way you butter it up. Its like when the couple state its for a honeymoon?! The only people I would ever think about giving cash to is very close family (siblings) anyone else gets a gift. If they ask for cash they get nothing but a card :D

    Part of the pleasure of a wedding is the selecting of the right present, giving money just doesn't have the same personal connection. if you can't afford to spend much it can be very awkward but a present can be any price.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
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