Weddings and children

SHEILA54

Hi

My son is getting married this year and my daughter is upset because his neice, age 6 , has not been asked to be a bridesmaid.
He has asked his nephew, age 10, to be an usher but she feels that it is unfair and will not allow one to be part of the ceremony without the other. He was very close to both children until he settled down with his fiance and spent 3 or 4 days a week seeing them.

There have been problems between my future daughter in law and my daughter over the past year and my daughter in law wants their child, aged 13 months, to be the bridesmaid and the child in the limelight. She is also having a friend and her brother, both adults, as her attendants.

Has anyone any ideas as to a job for my grandaughter that might equate to the usher? I suggested that she might give out buttonholes but my daughter is not happy with that. It would need to be part of the ceremony as that is the most important part.

It all seems a bit silly but my grandaughter was told by my son in the past that when he got married she would be a bridemaid and it is continuing the bad feeling.

Many Thanks

irishjohn

Cannot advise you on the wedding and a possible job but if you can get all the adults to sit down and discuss the whole situation as to how they get on and interact I would strongly recommend it. I lived abroad - away from all my family for most of my working life - I am the middle child and retired back home a few years back to be closer to and to help my elderly mum who has been unwell. My brother and sister both live within a 2 mile adsius of mum, but have not spoken to each other for nearly a decade now.

Mum has been in hospital now for 5 weeks and apart from trying to be there to keep her spirits up, my main job has been co-ordinating my siblings to manage the visiting process. Unfortunately both siblings and families turned up within 5 minutes of each other yesterday afternoon in spite of my planning. The one who was not expected said she didn't remember agreeing to visit in the evening and subsequently left giving me the cold shoulder.

If you don't have a 3rd child who will arbitrate between your son and daughter you must do what you can to nip a potential cold war in the bud. It may mean you speaking frankly to them all and making them all see sense. Hope you succeed !!

2gorgeousgirls

Weddings always have the potential for rows and mine was no different. I had an aunt who wanted her grand-daughters to be bridemaids even though I had made it clear when we got engaged that my sister and neice would be my only attendants. She died recently without speaking to me for 16 years!

Personally, I think that all decisions relating to the wedding should be made by the couple to be married. Everyone else should respect their decisions. Of course your daughter would like her child to be bridesmaid, after all what little girl doesn't want to dress up. However, I think she has to respect the fact that it is her brother's wedding and really she has no say in any of the decisions.

If your daughter insists that her daughter must be included or her son cannot take part then she could be causing trouble between her future sister-in-law and herself which could have repercussions for many, many years. It's amazing how these things can get out of hand.

I think it would be very unfair of her to refuse to allow her son to be an usher just because her daughter has not been invited to be a bridesmaid. The suggestion about giving out the flowers is lovely. Of maybe she could give out the order of service.

SHEILA54

irishjohn wrote: »

Cannot advise you on the wedding and a possible job but if you can get all the adults to sit down and discuss the whole situation as to how they get on and interact I would strongly recommend it. I lived abroad - away from all my family for most of my working life - I am the middle child and retired back home a few years back to be closer to and to help my elderly mum who has been unwell. My brother and sister both live within a 2 mile adsius of mum, but have not spoken to each other for nearly a decade now.

Mum has been in hospital now for 5 weeks and apart from trying to be there to keep her spirits up, my main job has been co-ordinating my siblings to manage the visiting process. Unfortunately both siblings and families turned up within 5 minutes of each other yesterday afternoon in spite of my planning. The one who was not expected said she didn't remember agreeing to visit in the evening and subsequently left giving me the cold shoulder.

If you don't have a 3rd child who will arbitrate between your son and daughter you must do what you can to nip a potential cold war in the bud. It may mean you speaking frankly to them all and making them all see sense. Hope you succeed !!

I have tried to sort their situation out but cannot reach any satisfactory conclusion. It all started last March when the baby was born. My future daughter in law sent my son over to say that my daughter could not come to the house unless she apologised for holding the baby for too long and that my grandchildren were also banned because they didn't say hello to her. I know this is true because they all live with me and I was there!!

My son and daughter were very close before this but it caused huge upset and bad feeling which escalated, on both sides, over the past year.

My daughter and daughter in law can now be in the same room at family gatherings and exchange polite conversation but that is as far as it goes.

I have tried, believe me, but cannot make headway and now this has just caused more problems. I also do not have any other children and my ex husband doesn't like confrontation and tries to work in the background.

It also doesn't help that my son hardly ever has time to come over to see me or her as he is always too busy, despite living in our pockets two years ago before he met her. He is 35 years old and works long hours but this doesn't help either.

lizalloareds

Sorry to hear of all the worry this is causing you, as others have said can they not all still down and discuss the matter, I think that as your son promised his niece that she would be bridesmaid then he should be man enough to sort it out

hugs Liz

irishjohn

Sorry to hear that Sheila, families can be such a pain! As you have identified that its your daughter in law who is doing the manipulating, maybe the best thing is to talk to your daughter and help her to be a bigger person than your daughter in law will ever be. She can make the wedding special enough for her daughter - special outfit, maybe some flowers in her hair, etc etc. Your grandaughter is young and will not be adversely affected by your son's broken promise. I bite my tongue with my brother and sister and remain gracious with both, my internal thoughts and feelings I keep to myself and see it as their loss rather than mine as I think they miss out far more than I do.

Good luck with it all but above all don't let them spoil things for you.

PootleFlump_3

These situations are always difficult but I guess the bottom line is that its your son and his partners wedding, not your daughters so she should respect what they want to do no matter how much she disagrees with it. I also dont think that the 6 year old will think much of it unless your daughter speaks about it in front of her or makes a big deal of it when the little one is around. You could easily get round it by telling her that she gets to give them a horseshoe or something after the wedding - she wont know any different. Its terrible that you are feeling stuck in the middle but I really think that your daughter needs to stop meddling in something that is none of her business (although i would also say that it sounds like your future daughter in law needs to grow up!) Try not to worry too much. What will be will be. x

Stephb1986_2

Weddings always cause friction and at the end of the day it's the couples decision who plays a part in their day. Would your daughter allow their daughter to be a bridesmaid at her wedding if the boot was on the other foot?

I have had problems with my future sister in law but we've had to get over them for the sake of my fiance (her brother) and we've just set our date, she has 2 girls and 1 boy and I have a niece but I have asked her two girls to be my bridesmaids and I will find a job for her son. Because thats the right thing to do and otherwise I know I'd be called all the names under the sun so it's not really worth it.

But you can't force your son's fiancee to include your daughters children if they aren't "friendly" she might think it's too much hassle if they can hardly be civil to one another imagine all them dress fittings, shoe shopping etc etc it just isn't happening is it really? She just wants to keep the peace and distance herself from your family. IF I had a choice I'd do the same but hey ho!

If you really want to insist that this child has a part in your sons day then maybe have a word with him and tell him how upset the little one is? It might work but it might not. It's more about what the bride wants and not the groom.

Good Luck

Steph xx

cherydee

SHEILA54 wrote: »

Hi


Has anyone any ideas as to a job for my grandaughter that might equate to the usher? I suggested that she might give out buttonholes but my daughter is not happy with that. It would need to be part of the ceremony as that is the most important part.

Many Thanks

Don't know if they still do it nowadays at weddings...but could your grandaughter not have her photograph taken giving the bride a lucky horseshoe. I did that twice when I was small...mind you, first time was over 50 yrs ago.

Stephb1986_2

I've not stopped thinking about this. I think that your future daughter in law is a bit out of order you can't take arguments out on kids no matter what. If I was your daughter then I would turn round and say well either it's both or we're not coming simple as. I would be livid if this was my brother and my children. I'm 100% sure that my mum would back me too.

Why don't you get on the phone to your son and tell him he best sort this so this little girl is a bridesmaid, I have a niece thats 6 already and she is very intelligent and would know that she was supposed to be bridesmaid.

It's not fair on the kiddie, your soon to be daughter in law should be the bigger person and include this little one before she not only, 1, makes you think less of her, 2, your daughter think she's a complete and utter cow, 3, the rest of your sons family think she's a b!tch and, 4, shows herself up to be what she really is.

Steph xx

susancs

What an awful situation for you to be caught up in, during what could be a lovely family event, except for the friction between your soon to be daughter in law and your daughter.

Your future daughter in law sounds like she is an insecure type of person, if she was upset about young children forgetting to say hello to her, worried that your grandaughter may steal the limelight from her child or instead of being delighted that your daughter loved her neice so much she wanted to cuddle her for a while, was upset by this. I know her assertive manner might not make this obvious but her behaviour seems to indicate this. Although hard for your daughter I think she should accept the decisions in regard to the wedding. Your daughter obviously loves her brother a lot more than she dislikes his wife to be judging by the fact she is civil to her at family events and at the end of the day would not want anything she did to cause stress, upset and hurt for her brother-which I think not allowing her son to be a page boy would. It is usually the brides decision with regard to bridesmaids and the bride has the right to choose those she feels closest to, to be beside her at the altar on her big day. My daughter was a similar age when my brother got married and was not chosen as a bridesmaid, whilst the brides neices were and it was not an issue, as we accepted it was their day and they should have it just as they wanted. I also felt that whilst it is an honor to be asked to be a bridesmaid, no-one should feel they are entitled to that role. I appreciate at one time your son might have mentioned in the past that his neice would be a bridesmaid if he got married and this seems to be the basis for the ill feeling , but I agree with previous posters that unless your daughter has made a lot of this, it is doubtful a 6 year old would be really upset by not being a bridesmaid in my experience (I work with young children, as well as having two daughters). If your daughter took her child out and bought her a lovely special dress with accessories from somewhere like Next, Monsoon Moonson etc and explained that it will be her Uncle and Aunt's special day, but she will look pretty watching them with you all in the Church, plus in the photos she will be distracted from the bridesmaid idea. Your daughter could also downplay the bridesmaid role, if she has been discussing her feelings in front of her child, by pointing out the negatives such as having to sit on her own up the front away from you all, holding the brides flowers, standing around for ages quietly, having to help look after a bored toddler during the service etc.

In my opinion you should avoid trying to get the bride and groom to allocate a job for your grandaughter, as although your intentions are to make the peace, it could blow up in your face. I would let your son and his bride to be arrange their own wedding as they want and only offer advice etc if they ask for it. You could also say to your daughter that although you appreciate her disappointment, on reflection, you have considered that it is her brothers day and you all have to respect and accept any reasonable decisions the couple make for their special day, if she wants him to be happy.