Relate?

MrsBryan_2

Sorry if this has been done to death but couldn't find anything from searching through the forum.

My brother and his wife are going through a rough patch at the moment. A big rough patch. So much so, he called me at work today in such a state, I was round there within 20 minutes. Spent all afternoon talking to him, and although I'm very much aware that my SIL is being very selfish and after the things he told me, I want to kill her, my brother wants to make things work.
He mentioned going to Relate, and I just thought I'd ask all you lovely people if anyone has been and/or how much it costs? Can they get referred by GP? Does is really help?

Any advice will be appreciated.
J x

McKneff

There is always two sides to a story.

MY advice is to take it all with a pinch of salt.

meritaten

Hun, be very careful here. your bro is in a bad place and has obviously poured out his heart to you - but you only have HIS version! be very careful about what you say about SIL - if they reconcile then anything awful or hurtful you have said about her will be in the mind of your bro and he may well tell her. try not to bad mouth her and dont confront her and give her a peice of your mind. asking her version of events may be beneficial though.

clearingout

The ex and I tried Relate - he's a counsellor himself - it will only work if both parties want it to and are capable of a good level of honesty and healthy respect for the other person. I think often, by the time it gets to thinking about needing a counsellor, things have gone 'too far'. My ex, amusingly given his profession, lied through his teeth at the two sessions we attended so it was pretty pointless. I didn't continue with him but did so a few more sessions alone - I did get quite a lot out of it at the time. It is worth noting you don't have to go as a couple.

It does cost - but will depend on the branch as to the exact cost. They also often run with waiting lists. You don't need a GP referral - simply phone them and go from there. If the waiting list is very long, considering a local counsellor with some reputation (ask about) and experience is probably as good as you'll get anyway.

MrsBryan_2

McKneff, she has been my SIL and friend for 20 years, I heard her side of the story last week when she called me. I wish she had never told me what she did, because she didn't hold back, was completely truthful about what she has done, how she feels about my brother and their marriage and I was gobsmacked. Now my brother has told me more about what she has admitted to him and what he has found out and I'm disgusted. She's moving out to 'think about things'. If she decides she wants to make a go of things then my brother is willing to give things a try because they have built a life together for 20 years and have 2 children. I never, in a million years, thought he'd put up with this sort of thing but he loves her. Which is why I think Relate can help them, and why I want advice about that.

MrsBryan_2

We went away a couple of months ago for my hen weekend, and I found out something that had happened while we were away so the first thing I wanted to do is phone her as I was so angry! But my brother begged me not to while they try to work things out. I obviously feel awful for my brother and the kids, but I am also very angry because we're very close and certain things have happened under my nose. If they work things out, I'll have a quiet word in her ear and then forget about it but I also want her to know how upset I am with how she's behaving.
Thanks for the advice, clearingout, I didn't realise you could go alone. I do think they'd both be up for it, if she decides that's what she wants.

McKneff

You say you are disgusted, but youre idea of disgusting and other peoples are so different.

Is he disgusted, is it that she is playing away or stealing money from him, you havent given any clue.

Personally, I wouldnt 'have a word in her ear' listen to them both and just be there for them.

She could just as easily turn and say 'mind your own bluddy business' they could get back together and she could
be putting down rules for him not to see you anymore, so I would just keep your own counsell.

Hope things turn out okay for them.

meritaten

hun - this is difficult for you. You havent said what has happened, but in YOUR mind what she has done is really awful. But, your bro is willing to try to save the marraige - so perhaps, HE doesnt think like you do - or knows the reasons behind it and hasnt told you!
I really think that you should take a step back. they have both spoken to you and you want to help. BUT, this is between the two of them now - you can point them in the direction of Relate or just leave them to work it out. You were there for your brother when he needed you - you can let him know you will always be there - but to my mind its up to your brother and sister-in-law how this plays out. and all you can do is to be there if it goes wrong. hopefully it wont! but please do watch what you say - in my experience sticking up for a family member in these situations can backfire badly if you are too, lets say, vociferous in your condemnation of their partner!

MrsBryan_2

Thanks, I hope things turn out ok too.
Without going into too much detail, just because I didn't want this thread to be about that, I think most people would be digusted by her behaviour, I am gutted for him.
My SIL and I are close, she would never tell my brother to not speak to me, we're not that sort of family. Neither would she tell me to mind my own business, she was the one who called me to tell me what she had been up to as she wanted to own up to her behaviour, be honest and try to make things work.
That was 3 weeks ago, and things have happened since then which makes me wonder that might not be the case now, unfortunately. Relate may help, it may not but it's worth a try.

MrsBryan_2

Thanks meritaten, that's very good advice, and advice I will take! I will try and keep out of it and just be there for him. I'm a very loyal person anyway (I think most people are) and will fight for any one of my family. SIL is like family also, I've known her since I was 8 so she's like a sister to me. Which is making it harder.
He wants to make it work because they have built a life together and have 2 children. Then on the other hand, he gets very angry and feels like a doormat. He is scared of being on his own in a bedsit somewhere and not seeing the kids. Thats what is making him want to work things out the most I think. Plus he loves her and I know she loves him, she's just having a midlife crisis of some sort.
J x

BlueC

Relate may help if both sides want to work things out. If only one side wants to work things out then going to Relate will be awful for all concerned, especially so for the one who wants to work things out.